(they ultimately FAIL.)
Hi Brenda! Do you want to hear what the Conservative Party of Canada is mad about TODAY?
Hi Matt! I do want to hear that! Sure as hockey pucks I do!
Hold on, let me just stick this batch of butter tarts in the oven, then lick the mixing bowl!
I just hope that Mrs MacFarlane across the street doesn’t see me and take an incriminating picture on her iPhone! She’s just all about that Instagram feed—
OOOOOHHHHH I know, Bren! Har har har! You go for it!
OK, then, here goes!
ALLLWHALLLMLML SSSSSLURPPPPPP ALLLWHALLLMLML !
OMFG! Delicious! You know how I love all that brown sugar and melted butter and corn syrup! And greedy old me, I inhaled so fast, some of it got up my nose! Oh… OH….AAAAAAAAACHOO!
Gosh, and also a raisin! That’s a first!
Now, Matt, what’s all this bippity-boppity-boo about the CPC being mad again? Goldarnit, they are the pickiest little mofos! Give it to me, quick, before I cream my brown sugar and butter, Matt!
You just go right ahead and cream, Bren! Har har har! Well, those Conservatives, they’re mad as—and I hate to sound like I’ve abandoned my Canadian good manners or anything, but—they’re mad as FUCK, Brenda… they’re on the warpath! In fact, they’re mad as FUCKITY FUCK FUCK, if you ask me! Just— raw as old hooker holes—
OOOOOHHHH I know Matt! I know! Har har har!! Those little fuckers, right? Wow, but this sounds serious! They haven’t been FUCKITY FUCK FUCK mad and raw as old hooker holes since, oh, gosh. Wasn’t it around noon?
Har har har! Well, you know how Trudeau can’t do a goldarn thing right by them? Not even if he were to save the economy with CERB, practically eliminate child poverty, give us money back with carbon tax credits, protect our housing from foreign speculation, all while dropping his track pants, mooning the House of Commons, then spreading his cheeks and giving Pierre Poilievre and Maxime Bernier an enticing glimpse of his little pink rosebud!
But Matt, wait! Pink rosebud? You realize Maxime Bernier is absolutely not gay, right? I mean he’s just NOT GAY!
Oh, you’re right, Bren! Golly heck, my bad! You’re absolutely correct. Maxime Bernier isn’t gay! Altogether?
“He just likes to walk that way! Har har har!“
I hear you Matt! Little swisher Maxime! Har har har!
But getting back to Justin. You’ve nailed it, mailed it, Holy Grail’d it! Why, he could walk on water, establish a gender balanced cabinet, welcome thousands of refugees to be privately sponsored, protect the rights of trans people, model good Public Health compliance by getting vaccinated and wearing his mask, all the while keeping calm as a cucumber in a vat of Vaseline as conservatives rip him to shreds, pelt him with rocks and shout crude insults wherever he goes— he could do all of that with a twelve-inch DICK lollygagging out of his fly front, and they STILL would not be satisfied!
Right? So, Bren, do you think they have an agenda about how to do stuff better? Any alternatives to offer that would let people keep safe from Covid, not get evicted, pay their mortgages when they couldn’t work, distribute vaccines, negotiate free trade, subsidize child care for working families, uphold people’s right to protest without giving in to blackmail and mob rule—like, what is their platform, Bren? Jeepers, I wish you hadn’t mentioned that twelve inches of monster meat! Now I can’t even think straight! Har har har !
Seriously! Har har har! Well I think they DO have an agenda, Matt! I really DO! Their agenda is trash-talking Trudeau to their seriously low-brow suburban base of sour racists and generally resentful white people just ripe for the pickin’ by a wannabe populist like Pepe Le Pew—that’s how they distract everybody with irrelevant personal attacks and playing to people’s ignorance and fears, so no one even notices how they have no agenda! Nothing! Their day planners are empty as a Fallopian tube on a Friday with the curse!
That’s what I thought, too, Bren! They’re harnessing all that Niagara Falls of resentment and generating high-wattage stupidity like they were powering up every lizard brain conspiracy theory from Downsview to Peterborough and the Kawarthas! But then I thought it was so seriously backward in the ol’ noggin, you know, the BRAIN department, you’d think they’d be as abashed as a boychuk on his first blind date that they didn’t have an agenda and that their base didn’t even seem to care—
But jeepity creepity, Matt, you still haven’t told me—
Right! So, those conservatives are mad as ticks on a taint that Trudeau took a holiday! A holiday, in Jamaica! At holiday time if you please!
But, Matt, what’s the dealio with the angry feelio about a vacation? Even a vacation in Jamaica! Can’t a guy blow off a little steam in blackface where no one’s gonna notice, for Pete’s sake?
Damn right! Well, isn’t it obvious? Those cons hate Trudeau, all he stands for, and everything he does, without exception—they even hate his mom and dad—granted, Maggie was a bit of a, you know—
Bren! And they think he’s doing such a terrible job—that they don’t want him to have a vacation and give us all a break from his terribleness! That’s weird! I guess those conservatives are… masochists or something!
Masochists? Like in S and M? Gosh, Matt, that’s HOT!
Like, he’s such a disgrace, in their eyes, they want him to stay in Ottawa, without giving us a break, and keep on doing—
Oh no, c’mon, really?
—Really!—just keep on doing the terrible job they think he’s doing, with no let up for one second! Just do more and more of his terrible Prime Ministering that drives them crazy! Does that make sense to you? Let me try this one more time:
They think he’s the worst PM ever, so they think, instead of giving us a week or two of relief from his terrible leadership, he should just stay put and keep plugging away at his girly-man, drama-teaching, deficit-creating, QAnon’d Deep State wishy-washy dictatorship and totally incompetent attempt at being in charge of the country they don’t believe in anyway, as head of the kind of big government they want to drown in the bathtub!
I guess that must be it!
Aww, Jeez, Bren, did I get that right? My cognitive dissonance is so outta control, it’s making my head throb and I’m just as goldarn confused as a Mormon at a Mattachine Ball!
Oh, Matt. Don’t torment yourself. Trying to find the logic in what all those conservatives say and do is like—
Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m not a good, decent, wholesome Canadian girl, but
—it’s like chewin’ on your dead grandma’s titties and hopin’ for milk!
HAR HAR HAR Bren!
HAR HAR HAR Matt!
Don’t go yet!
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