So You Wanna Be—Somebody?

Just get more specific, Murgatroyd McGraw.

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All my life I’ve always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin as “Chrissy” in “The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe” (© Jane Wagner, 1986)

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It has come to my attention that a huge proportion of the adult population is dissatisfied with the crappy, inadequate personalities they were born with, and desperately seek to, as it were, upgrade their software to something with more pizza.

(Or is that “pizzazz”, I get them mixed up.)

Anyway, if you, dear reader, are indeed one of these restless specimens who forgot to be specific enough, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s your second—or third, or twelfth, or hundredth, if you’re not counting, I am sure as crabapples not counting—chance to make good at your dream, for I’ve cobbled together a few examples of alternative personalities, somebodies, in fact, who, whatever you might say about them, would never be described as inadequate.

What they’re adequate for is a different kettle of horses.

You know, and can I just say, seriously. I’m known for my uncushioned honesty, my hit-em-in-the-face frankies, which I typically deploy as soon as the person I’m being honest about has left the room. But I care enough to say this right to everyone’s face: stop being such a people pleaser! I mean it!

Learn to be assertive, for pete’s sake! Let so-called climate change know that you’re not going to put up with its lies! If someone asks you why you gained so much weight, call them a pedophile! If you resent that someone’s smarter than you, threaten them with jail! Get my drift?

I’m pumped, I dunno about you!

So, to gain insight, possibly your first, into how you might actually fare as one of those somebodies you wish you’d become, just review the multiple-choice-type questionnaires below, and answer honestly. But remember: Only one of the answers in each case will qualify you.

Just don’t get your hopes up. Or is that down? I get that mixed up, too.

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So you wanna be Pierre Poilievre?

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When I wake up, the first thought in my mind is

1. How lucky I am to have a fresh new day
2. God bless my family
3. What’s for breakfast
4. I wonder what Trudeau fucked up during the night

If I find I have some spare time, I arrange

1. An appointment with my barber
2. Some flowers
3. A date night with the missus
4. A freedom convoy

My preferred form of address is

1. Mr Poilievre.
2. Just “Pete,” I don’t stand on ceremony.
3. He, him, his
4. Twenty-four Sussex Drive

I like to stay fit by

1. Running
2. Weight-lifting
3. Calisthenics
4. Throwing rocks at a rival’s campaign bus

I knew I wanted to be a politician

1. When I got angry about poverty
2. When I read a life of Churchill
3. When Lester Pearson got the Nobel Prize
4. The day I made my entire kindergarten class cry

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So you wanna be Marjorie Taylor Greene?

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Ideally, the words that best qualify “job” for me are

1. Challenging
2. Well-paid
3. Creative
4. Right-Wing Nut

The most valuable skill for kids to learn at school is

1. Getting along with others
2. Science and Math
3. Writing a coherent essay
4. Sheltering from snipers under a desk

On a hot summer’s day, there’s nothing so refreshing as

1. A glass of lemonade
2. A dip in the pool
3. Sitting beside the air conditioner
4. A nice chilled bowl of Gazpacho police

My favorite kind of humor involves

1. Witty dialog
2. A pie fight
3. Raunchy language
4. Paul Pelosi getting bashed with a hammer

When I’m feeling restless and bored I like to

1. Focus on my work
2. Read a new book
3. Arrange lunch with friends
4. Dissolve the Republic

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So you wanna be Alice Walker?

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I find it really annoying when

1. It’s rainy and cold
2. There’s no cream for my coffee
3. I forget my keys
4. Oprah calls so much I have to block her number

Over the years, I’ve had the good fortune to

1. Become famous
2. Mentor talented young writers
3. Travel the world
4. Divorce a Jew

When I’m feeling out of sorts, I cheer myself up by

1. Counting my blessings
2. Writing in my journal
3. Marveling at nature
4. Telling vulnerable strangers they don’t exist

My favorite meal is

1. Italian
2. Vegetarian
3. Home-cooked
4. A ritual offering to our lizard overlords

It’s shocking to think that

1. I haven’t taken a day off for a while
2. Wars still happen
3. The kids are all grown up
4. People would actually fight to wear high heels for less pay.

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So you wanna be Jordan Peterson?

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When I was a child, my parents taught me always to

1. Brush my teeth regularly
2. Say my prayers at night
3. Do my homework on time
4. Ask someone’s name, then roll my eyes and call them whatever the fuck I want

My candid opinion of the Russian Federation is

1. A failing kleptocracy
2. A fount of priceless literature and music
3. An oppressed people ruled by an autocrat
4. Best detox in a medically-induced coma EVER

I love the paleo diet because

1. It’s so simple to follow
2. It’s scientifically proven
3. I keep effortlessly slim
4. I only have to take one dump a year, while the family’s out shopping

When I need to chill, I like to

1. Take the dog for a long walk
2. Watch a thriller on Netflix
3. Have a cold beer at the pub
4. Practise looking ghoulish under a spotlight

Of all my contributions to the field of psychology, I think I’m most proud of

1. Exposing the left-wing bias in universities
2. Teaching disaffected youth to be responsible
3. Getting my Jungian masterpiece published
4. Establishing the Lobster-Reich for the coming millennium

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