Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente
has dealt a shocking blow to a decades-long research effort at Harvard University by coming up with an opinion that is totally opposite to the team’s findings.
“The research said that people have an unconscious bias based on racial characteristics,” said Ms Wente while briskly drying herself after her morning shower.
“But even before I skimmed the article I had my doubts. Something about this so-called scientific, peer-reviewed liberal claptrap just didn’t jibe – like, systemic racism? C’mon guys!
“I immediately plunged into some intensive research by interviewing our mail boy – he’s a darkie by the way – so much for this myth of hiring discrimination! And just as well, I mean if that kid was out on the streets, you’d be kissing that fancy car of yours goodbye, let me tell ya!
“So the next morning I took my usual shower and came up with the opinion that this Harvard research doesn’t matter, even though it’s true! I’m just not buying it!”
Wente suddenly dropped her scholarly tone. “Hey, have you seen my new ‘Rainforest‘ showerhead from Canadian Tire?” she beamed, with obvious pride. “Even though I don’t think rainforests are anything special!
“In fact, in my opinion, we should totally stop doing anything about rainforests! You know something, that just occurred to me!”
Continued Ms Wente, “Also, it’s occurred to me that I have to do something about this rat’s nest of a hairstyle! Sheesh, will you take a look at this fiasco?”
Ms Wente explained that her shower-opinion-flashes began decades ago, during high school:
“One day, while having a shower after gym, I had this flash, and suddenly my opinion was that the whole hair stylists thing was a scam,” confided Ms Wente, “so I started cutting my own, then slapping on a little Brylcreem. But just between the two of us, it’s not working for me this morning.”
But how does Ms Wente handle the issue of credibility?
“Are you kidding?” replied Ms Wente, who seemed unfazed by the challenge. “I mean, have a gander! The hair style, the dorky eyeglasses, the saggy blouse—I look like a gunny sack full of galoshes!
“So if I say ‘I’m not buying it’, I’m backed up by this whole proto-lesbian thing. I mean, if I look as scary as this and people still don’t get that my opinions are right, well—Houston! We have a problem!”
We spoke next to Dr. Eberhard Faber, the Harvard research team leader.
“We’ve been undergoing intensive suicide intervention counseling down here,” said a barely-audible Dr Faber, his voice shaking with emotion.
“It’s just been devastating. I mean, some people have dedicated their entire lives to this work, and then, to just wake up one day and find out that Margaret isn’t buying it— ”
Dr Faber took a moment to catch his breath. “It’s like our worst nightmare. Sorry, it’s time for my anti-psychotic. I have to go.”
Following up with Ms Wente by phone, we asked if she felt any responsibility for the effects her opinions might have caused.
“Frankly, no,” Ms Wente snapped. “I’m a journalist. My only responsibility is to just get in that shower, have my flash, kit up like Gertrude Stein, and state my opinion. Let the chips fall where they may!”
She added, her voice softening, “Sassoon just refused me an appointment. They said they might be able to wrangle twenty minutes in the chair at “Just Cuts”. This is off the record, right?”
Stephen Harper is “on vacation”.
with reporting from Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy.