So You Wanna Be—Somebody?

Just get more specific, Murgatroyd McGraw. All my life I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin as "Chrissy" in "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" (© Jane Wagner, 1986) It has come to my attention that a huge proportion of … Continue reading So You Wanna Be—Somebody?

Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented

Luxuriate in elegance and start many a meal-time exchange of value by using our Whether you choose Gourmet Sticks ending with Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowls— Gourmet Sticks With Long Flat Holdy Bits And A Sharp Side— or Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs— our Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings frame your plate, … Continue reading Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented

Matt and Brenda Make a Sincere Effort to Understand the Conservative Party of Canada’s Problem with Justin Trudeau While Brenda Makes Butter Tarts

(they ultimately FAIL.) Hi Brenda! Do you want to hear what the Conservative Party of Canada is mad about TODAY? Hi Matt! I do want to hear that! Sure as hockey pucks I do! Hold on, let me just stick this batch of butter tarts in the oven, then lick the mixing bowl! I just … Continue reading Matt and Brenda Make a Sincere Effort to Understand the Conservative Party of Canada’s Problem with Justin Trudeau While Brenda Makes Butter Tarts

What The Hell Happened To — ?

a deeper dive into dave When I started this blog, eight years ago, I was thinking something like: "This is my fifteen minutes of fame! Clear the decks! Clear the tracks! You got nothin' to do but relax! And yes, Sondheim gave me permission! "I will regale everyone with my hilarious stories of my shambolic … Continue reading What The Hell Happened To — ?

Ministress of Silky Sheen

Plus: Where the fuck is Kamala Oojamacallit? CANADIAN FINANCE MINISTER, Deputy Prime Minister in a pinch, something to do with Alberta for a couple of days but it didn’t work out, Justin Trudeau's Official BFF Next to Sophie-Grégoire, and Dry-Cleaning Picker-Upper without portfolio Chrystia Freeland delivered her budget speech on April 19, 2021, after performing … Continue reading Ministress of Silky Sheen

Aubade du vieux désagréable / (Morning Song of the Horrible Old Man)

Just - desserts... I’m old, I’m bold,Unnaturally cold,I won’t behave as I’ve been told. My greasy dishes fill the sink—I’d rather dally with a twink. Parquet burnt with cigarettesWon’t get me listed in Debrett’s Kawartha ice cream by the quartIs felony, but not a tort I sleep till noon and mock your ethic:Wage slavery is … Continue reading Aubade du vieux désagréable / (Morning Song of the Horrible Old Man)

Monthly Mayhem, Again

my occasional caustic, unapologetically subjective, and very eclectic digest of all the news that gives me fits when it’s in print Let’s take stock. How is the world doing these days? It’s been on fire! Australia just couldn’t stop burning, nor could the west coast of Canada and the US, with entire towns wiped out, thousands … Continue reading Monthly Mayhem, Again

Alice Munro’s Kraft Dinner

Something's afoot. In Walleye, Quiltingsnatsch County. And Alice Munro's damn well going to tell us about it. 1. Starting With the Dream Sequence-ness. My mother, Serena Addlecrone, dreamt that she was a newly-wed again, looking out the window at the backyard of her childhood home in Walleye, Ontario—but something was wrong. She could recall that … Continue reading Alice Munro’s Kraft Dinner

Facebook Life Event # 738: Did Totally The Same Kinds of Things I’ve Done Before.

Today, I did totally the same kinds of things I've done before. Whoah, deep breaths! This one's gonna be a game-changer! I started my day with coffee and a cigarette. As you can imagine, I was so pumped, coffee was sloshing in my cup like I was Kate Winslet in the final CGI-generated moments of … Continue reading Facebook Life Event # 738: Did Totally The Same Kinds of Things I’ve Done Before.

United Corona States of America

behind every great man... The White House, just before the putsch "Hey Mel. Mel? Yeah, vhat? Mel? Is that you? I can't hear too good on this baby intercom thing. What? What was that? Jeezus. Couldn't you just, I dunno. Uber me, like, over to the Hilton? Donald. Dahlink. Is four in morning. Is it … Continue reading United Corona States of America