just off the top of my head, currently covered with a tuque
JULY 1ST IS CANADA DAY. So I took a break from my usual morning task of rendering seal blubber in my igloo to count the ways it’s great to be a Canuck. It’s not an exhaustive list.
I’m sure there’s at least eleven.
(*Note to Americans: Canada is one of those “other countries” that you first learn about at Harvard. If you need to get your bearings, just think “Up there. Snow. Mounties. Cold. Justin.” Confusion, dizziness and sobbing are normal. You’re going to be fine.)
One:
You get to say “beaver” in mixed company.
Two:
You don’t have to worry about your country’s leader messing up and embarrassing you in full view of the entire world, because Justin doesn’t really do anything, and if he does mess up at least he’s a feminist, and anyway helll-oooo?! Trudeau, OK?
Three:
The heavy ankle shackles and full-body chains of Socialism help you stay trim and meet your “Canada Moves!” fitness goals when you drag their jaw-dropping extra weight along the sidewalk day in and day out.
- BONUS: Looking for someone to play the ghost of Jacob Marley in “A Christmas Carol”? Hire a Canadian! We already have the costume!
Four:
It’s cool to have Queen Elizabeth II as our official head of state, or to be accurate, the giant, stuffed sock puppet dressed in primary colors that is used to represent Her Majesty, who actually died in 1973.
Five:
Taking the jaw-dropping VIA Rail train with the glass dome to the west coast!
During this fabulous, epic journey you pass through the State of Alberta, renowned for its jaw-dropping one-hundred-percent unemployment rate ever since the oil industry collapsed.
- BONUS: Get Andrew Scheer to pose for you in his cowboy hat, flanked by his forty-five wives dressed in modest full-length calico!
- Get the little lady to sign her uterus over the the Conservatives and receive a limited-edition baseball cap that says, “My handmaid pledged her womb will U2?”
Six:
Our annual, jaw-dropping White Heterosexual Pride Week festivities.
Top-rated parade experience this year: Faith Goldy and her sensational “Night Porter”-themed float with its celebrated Nazi Rainbow Flags. Kanada Über Alles! Droppings of the Jaw, ja?!
Seven:
We can eat delicious “poutine” in historic Québec City! (Except while wearing a niqab, currently punishable with death by guillotine.)
Eight:
Playing rollicking, traditional Canadian games, like:
- Who’s Got the Transfer Payment Resentment”
- “Canadian Celebrity: Race to Oblivion”
- “Super Frank Gehry-O”
- “Save Toronto Waterfront! Trash Toronto Waterfront”
- “Snub the Rich Asian”
- “Honey, I Lost the Indigenous Women”
and, as a nod to equality,
- “Bury that Fag in a Planter, Yo” sponsored by Mark Saunders, Chief of the Toronto Amateur Police Association.
(No prizes for the last two, just that warm glow…
…of shame.)
Nine:
I get to live in Toronto, “The City that Never Sleeps Except When it’s been Partying Too Much and Gets a Good Eight Hours so it Won’t Catch a Cold,” and the financial engine of our vast nation!
Here are some Visitor Tips! (Uh-oh: Three-Alarm Envious Warning!)
Don’t miss:
- The Great Wall of Condos. Legend has it that beyond the wall there lies a mysterious, glittering body of water called “Lake Ontario” — but don’t try and find it because you’ll be trespassing; and
- Sidewalk Labs’ “Googleopolis,” our future center of government, the office where you’ll go to pay-per-service when you want electricity or an ambulance, and headquarters of “STASI.”
Most popular this week:
- After a heart-stopping two-hour wait to witness a migrating herd of the famously shy and skittish TTC Streetcars, it’s just a quick jaunt to the University District where you can gasp at stunning “Queens Park.”
- Formerly the Ontario Legislature, this jaw-dropping piece of priceless Romanesque Revival granite architecture that we forgot to tear down is now the sumptuous private playground of Doug Ford and his entire extended family!
Ten:
It’s so woke to see the look on peoples’ faces when you say, “Eh?”
As in, “They should have put the Statue of Liberty up here, eh?”
Jaw-dropping!
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