Fabulous Life Insider Secret #1: Foam bath with acolyte.
Quick summary for the ADHD set:
Feeling stressed? Have yourself a foam bath attended by one of your acolytes!
Yeah, that’s it. Aren’t you just kicking yourself and/or smacking yourself in the forehead with your open palm as you realize how this obvious solution was staring you right in the face? Time to don that tiara with the big “L” for loser, dude!
Full version for the subset of the ADHD set who get ODSP funds and therefore have plenty of time to read this tripe when they’re not partying, recovering from partying or figuring out how they can party some more now that their ODSP funds are gone:
When I’m feeling stressed I don’t “whistle a happy tune”.
No way, José!
Neither do I yearn for a smarmy session of “getting to know you, getting to know all about you”, nor do I chortle a cheery yet maddeningly superior “hello young lovers, wherever you are”.
No siree, fuck that Oscar Hammerstein the Second – Gertie Lawrence bullshit!
What DO you do, I hear you cry.
Well, in total contrast to Gertie Lawrence –
– who at this point, in her role as the intrepid Anna Leonowens, would be donning her gigantic hoop skirt and starched-to-rigidity cambric blouse, packing her primitive yet deliciously functional first-iteration Victorian oak-and-needlepoint vibrator, and sailing off third-class to Siam on a jaunty whaling vessel entrusted to the care of a bunch of randy, scurvy-ridden diphtheria victims –
– when I’m feeling more bent out of shape than a pair of Dirk Diggler’s underpants, I like to take a much more fabulous and infinitely more chillaxing foam bath in my custom-made four-foot-long Infinity Tub –
(This of course explains the near-constant prune-y state of my fingers and toes, and while we’re on that sensitive topic may I just convey a heavily sarcastic thank you for your grand total of zero telegrams of concern about this) – attended by one of my many luscious acolytes (fig 1).
So you can just bite me, Oscar Hammerstein the Second.
And let’s get this straight right off the bat: Don’t, and believe me when I say DO NOT, try and guess the identity of – or POACH – the luscious acolyte in the accompanying photo (fig 1).
To forestall your pathetic advances I’ve blurred the face so that no one can tell it’s my friend-cum-acolyte Gregory who lives at 250 Sherbourne Street just up the road. Apartment 1805.
If you don’t believe me, you can call 416 802 6163 and I’m pretty sure either Greg or one of his countless, STI-laden sexual partners will answer. I tell ya, that pervy little man-slut knocks back tetracycline capsules like they were salted cashews. Anyhoo.
What was I saying? Oh yeah –
So, nice try, poacher peeps! You can just put away your desperate offer of less than 80 hours of back-breaking, soul-destroying work a week – as if! – with the occasional randomly-timed reward of four ounces of boiled hot-dog “meat” and a glimpse of sky out of the basement door transom so they shouldn’t forget. PUH-LEEEASE!
My acolytes LOVE the way worshipping – sorry, working for me keeps their weight down at ballerina-with-bulimia levels, and their minds more occupied than a Donald Trump rally at the neighbourhood mosque.
You’re ever so fucking welcome, and yes, I am completely awesome, thanks for drawing everyone’s attention to this yet again!
And now “shall I dance! (thump thump thump)
On a bright cloud of music shall I fly!” (thwack thwack thwack)
My little sycophants! I ♥ you guys! Big hugs! You too, Gertie! LO fucking L!
And now for your bonus
Flap your legs around in the bathtub to create your very own 100% free Jacuzzi!*
Bathtub NOT included with luxury hack.
Bathtub MAY BE different from that shown.
Bathtub NOT shown to scale.
Bathtub MUST contain water.
Water NOT included.
Your USE or NON-USE of life hack is at your own risk and MAY or MAY NOT be fun, depending on lusciousness of acolyte.
Please see legal copy for definition of “LUSCIOUS”.
I reserve the right to have Meryl Streep play the acolyte OR to substitute George Clooney OR to cancel their participation at any time without notice.
Acolyte NOT included.
NOT to scale. NOT fun. NOT Meryl. NOT Clooney. NOT luscious. NOT this. NOT that.
More rules, more rules.
Blah, blah, blah.]