ÉMILE ISCOFFATYEU:
Today’s, like, super-gourmet chick-magnet nosh is:
Refrigerator-preserved “Guggenheim” limes™
with
Char-grilled cinders of Dempster’s bagel™
Fuckin’ A, zut alors !
Ingredients:
2 limes (round green thing found at Loblaws)
1 bagel (round brown thing with a hole in the middle found at Loblaws, not to be confused with the round brown things with a hole in the middle found at Tim Hortons, which are donuts)
For serving:
1 plate (round white thing found at – seriously, dude, you getting this down?)
Serves: You and one skanky ‘ho. Maybe her three-year-old. Depends. Who are we kidding, no one’s eating this crap once her panties are off. Which is on the bus on her way to your apartment if I’m thinking of the right skanky ‘ho.
Yeu may be – ‘ow do yeu say ? – wondering:
How to get more pussy:
1. Two years ago, put the limes in the refrigerator. We recommend waaaaay at the back, behind the Hellman’s jar with the blue fur in it. Otherwise that other ‘ho you met – the one from AA with the partial plate and a taste for margaritas – is bound to commandeer them, if only to stuff them down her bra. Right on!
2. Now, after reaching into your soiled boxer shorts and fondling your balls for 10 minutes*, take the limes out.
* as balls vary in size and fondle-ability, this timing is only a guideline.
Where was I? Oh yeah, limes. If you’ve left them for two years properly they will be hard, brown-skinned and basically resemble a poorly-executed Frank Gehry maquette for the Bilbao Guggenheim.
(What the heck is a Bilbao? Is that, like, a sex toy or the furry dude from Middle Earth? – ed.)
3. Plate the limes.
Yeah, “plate” them.
????
Fuck, man, put the limes on the plate, OK? You want more pussy or what? Seriously??
4. Meanwhile, attend to the bagel: With your electric broiler on “high”, place the cut sides of the bagel face up and as close to the element as possible. Now’s the perfect time to tackle that two-four while cruising “meet-another-skanky-ho dot com” with your pants around your ankles. High five, bro!!
5. Regain consciousness two hours later and send the fire brigade home, after first decking the dude who shook you awake. Like, back off, fire-‘mo!
(Maybe – ask him about the Bilbao Middle Earth thing? – ed.)
6. Call up the ‘ho with the partial plate ’cause she hasn’t eaten since 1985 and you haven’t gotten laid since ? Yesterday? Kind of a blur isn’t it?!
Fuckin’ LOL, dude!!
7. Plate. Partial. Down her bra.
8. And a dildao.
~