how good I am to you

We have PAPERBACK! + REVIEW offer

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My cover design for the paperback version

Sorry to SHOUT BUT I’M REALLY EXCITED!  Oh, fuck I started SHOUTING AGAIN BUT I CAN’T HELP IT!

Really, really sorry about my lack of control.  But it’s not every day that you PUBLISH A PAPERBACK !!!.  Oh, god.  This is really embarrassing.  Just try to bear with me as I tell you a little bit more about MY PAPERBACK WHICH IS NOW ON SALE!!!!.

<awkward>

This is what my friend Shaun Proulx, life-transforming guru extraordinaire and architect of the #ThoughtRevolution, tells me is a “soft launch”.  Well, I’m going to take his word for it, as what he doesn’t know about gorgeously shameless self-promotion and roll-off-a-log success wouldn’t fit on the smallest, fiddley-ist hors d’oeuvre Martha Stewart could stamp out with her heirloom cookie cutter.

In fact, he’s been cheekily dubbed “The Gay #Oprah”; word has it that Ms O’s acolytes occasionally forget themselves and refer to their bossatrix as “The Big, Black, Obscenely Rich and Heterosexual Shaun Proulx, Except Shaun Doesn’t ‘Balloon'”, which earns them a great, big, corrective “love tap” from the CEO.  I can picture her now as she hauls back and, with a follow-through like a Wimbledon champ, cracks the back of that jewel-encrusted hand across each penitent face while screaming, “This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me!  KIDDING!!”

The book is for sale on Lulu.com, who are the gentle and helpful publishing midwives to this elderly primo gravido.  Once I’ve approved the physical copy, it will be sent for possible distribution on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other so KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!  I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Sheesh.

May only, get 20% off. Click on the cover image above to go to my product page on Lulu.com and to purchase.

REVIEW OFFER

If you’ll go onto Lulu.com and write a review, I’ll send you a PDF of the paperback final version, free of charge.  Shoot me an email at david@davidroddis.com with subject line:  Paperback review offer and I’ll get it off to you within a day or two.

~

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!!! SHOCKING EXCLUSIVE: Hillary and Obama responsible for absolutely everything! Yes, THAT everything! Unbelievable!!?

I’ve been lax in my coverage of the

greatest, raunchiest, smelliest, most-filled-with-animals, free-because-they-haven’t-figured-out-a-way-to-charge-for-it-yet three-ring circus, the Amurcan elections.  I admit it.

But that is about to change, with these exclusive scoops of bullshit-flavored frozen petroleum-based dessert-truthiness from SlowPainful’s tireless, probe-’em-till-it-hurts AND born-again freelance reporter, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy—who today is making her lesbian-journalistic debut with slowpainful!  Let’s hear a nice round of applause for Glossolalia-Jeezus!

Hello?

Did I ever mention, and were you in attendance for,  the bit about never, never forgetting how good I am to you?  Like not even for one second, that measurement assuming that we stay within the current Newtonian  paradigm?   Did I?  Hmmmm?

And now, without further ado, our…

EXCLUSIVE:
LAST-MINUTE ELECTION SHOCKER!!

With reporting by born-again journalist-on-the-go and erstwhile lesbianic messiah, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy.

satanicplanecrash

HITLERY CLONE HORROR AND HUSSEIN IN FLAMES:  Near-tragic forced landing of the TERRORIST firebombed American Airlines aircraft at O’Hare, with unbelievable laughter from the Hitlery lesbo clones. TOP RIGHT:  the Satanic face of you-know-who in the clouds! This is so unbelievable than anything else ever seen!  Or since!

CHICAGO:-   A terrified, yet still-confused, yet ultimately still-confident,  yet mostly still-obese, but when push comes to shove, ultimately, terrified, America is reeling after our publication of this Photoshopped image, exclusive to Slowpainful.com, of cloned Muslim terrorist Hitlerrat Clitsnot and her Kenyan lackey Barfass Obumbanga, depicted here at Chicago O’Hare just after their horrendous fabricated firebombing of an American Airlines jet.

How do people like this eat their in-flight dinners with a clean conscience???!!  Or sleep at night?????!!!

As per typical, the Serial Killery clones are dressed in communist pantsuits in homosexuality rainbow colours, and are laughing their feminazi heads off, while that un-American NRA-hater and enemy of decent white male unemployed patriots Badatheist Oreomuslim manifests as he always does: in a cloud of black, Satanic smoke positively billowing out of any disaster you could name!!!!!??? 

LATEST ATTEMPTED GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER?  YOU BE THE JUDGE?!!

FACT:  Dozens of  Killery clones are coming!  THEY ARE BEING SEEDED AMONG US disguised as cheery lesbian day-care workers, auto mechanics and dog walkers! Anywhere that a pantsuit can pass unremarked upon!

IT GET’S BETTER!  OR WOR’SE!  Look closely at the Hitlery’s seen on top of that aircraft!

FACT: THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IS ACTUALLY NOT HER CLONE!

The FBI has hinted to me that this mysterious Islamotard-clothed person is one of soon-to-be-on-death-row President Barfly O’Bambivegan‘s hundred-thousand Satanist pedophile day care workers!

FACT:  Those libtards told you they had a literacy program, but it was a front! Unbelievable!!

THOSE FILTHY SATANISTS JUST SCRAMBLED THE PROGRAM NAME!! 

And you won’t believe your ears when I rearrange the words to crack the code and reveal IT’S TRUE, PEDO IDENTITY:

NO CHILD’S BEHIND LEFT!!

Americans, have you HAD ENOUGH yet?

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Literacy program my ass!!

Enuff of these female body parts and un-patriotic skin colors??

These are not just Traitor’s and Libtard’s who should be locked up!

NO IT GET’S WOR’SE!!  OR BETTER!!?

Exclusive intelligence has been uncovered by us that Shillery and Barflack Obirthcertificateislam are

RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!!
Yes, my friends, “THAT” everything!

You know, the everything that’s every last fuckin’ thing from the Garden of Eden to now!

That’s six thousand years, guys, and I know, it’s hard for Jesus to get my poor sinner’s brain around that mind-boggling amount of socialist shenaniganizing!

BUT IT’S JUST SO ABSOLUTELY CROSS OF CALVARY ON MY HEART TRUE!

UNBELIEVABLE!!
HOW DO THEY SLEEP WITH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT??!!

FACT:  That snivelling fasci-fem Histamine Crinklecutpotatochipmussoliniton is giving the planet a headache!  In more ways than one!

Seems there’s a PING sound emanating from the normal hum of the arctic, like this:

HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm! HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm!

Sounds just like her, don’t it?  Yep, sounds like friggin’ socialist hippy Yogatards everywhere.

And it’s not even very catchy!!
WHAT A LOSER-TARD!

Now get this, that socialist north of the border radio program the CBC – oh GAG ME! =  Communist Bunch Of Crapslingers!  LMAO !!  – has suggested that this is related to oil fracking!

Fuckin retard’s!

FACT:  Fracking produces as much as one whole quart of oil per month, plenty to do your freedom fries in as far as I can reckon.

FACT: The Prairie Stinkwort, the state flower of Minneapolis, NEEDs fracking water to thrive, you scumbag flowertards!

FACT:  Hellbully has been seen many, many times heading north on one of those Feminazi motor scooters!

YOU CAN’T FOOL US, Hellarhoid! We can put two and two together!!

HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DINNER AT NIGHT????!!!

FACT:  Hippietard hired a triangle player from the New York Philharmonic and paid him $500,000 out of YOUR hard-earned taxes, just to hang out in a Russian submarine and make that PING! sound once every couple hours!!

Now there’s a fine use of your stolen money!!  Howdya like your Communism now, libtards!??

That’s right, a Russian sub at the North Pole, with sex-starved and perverted Russian sailors so if her good friend Vladimir is anything to go by she’s not only a commie she’s a SHAMELESS TERROR SLUT AS WELL!

FACT:   Speaking on condition of anonymity, we have evidence of an ongoing secret initiative for brainwashing citizens with electroshock therapy delivered through NPR broadcasts that makes them vote for foreigners, like our former Saudi Arabian dictator, Kenyan Bareass Oreobumslam!!

But wor’st:   They also suck the real American right out of his skin, then fill him up with French or black or chinese people, OR – you guessed it!  More people like HighOnDrugs Clapscrewed!

HOW DO THESE FEMI-NAZI-TARD’S EAT THEIR SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER??  AT DINNER NIGHTS!!??

FACT:  Your washing machine broke down on the same day your mom died. COINCIDENCE???  Tell THAT to your typical layabout welfaretard or some Obamacare freeloader on a death panel!??

FACT:  You’ve been suffering from psoriasis AND fungal infections in your toenails, not to mention your toy poodle has been crapping on the carpet again and last week he bit your cousin while she tried to turn your son into a homo!  Already he likes wearing dresses what’ll happen when he’s two????!!!

FACT:  Homos can now get married in some states, of which I am heartedly ashamed, BUT I TELL YA VERILY THEY WILL NEVER GET MARRIED IN THE STATE OF GRACE, AMEN, cause marriage is between ONE man and at least ONE frail, weak woman.  WOMAN, NOT HARLOT!!

God will smite you into dust, Harlotry Callgirlwhoreton!!?

FACT: The world used to be flat, when Jeezus was still walking amongst us with his band of Merry Men!  Yessir, His name was just like mine!  Now, its going all round and such, like when you inflate that exercise ball and who the hell knows what’ll happen next, thanks to you, HorribleJewKillery Christabortionton!?? 

Maybe it’ll go square and those new deck chairs from Wayfair are gonna fall right off inta hell!  You killed my Christ you Hillretardtheist!!!!!

obama-bestialityFACT:  Check out this picture on the left!  I know!! UNBELIEVEABLE!!!???  Barbarian Oscumsuckertard legalized Bestiality in the Military!  It’s right on Facebook!

So now you got your Dobermans getting shtupped by the colonels, Great Danes by the generals, and so forth, right down to Chihuahuas for the new recruits, which I guess makes sense cause they’re smaller and otherwise how would those poor little privates, what’s the word, “artificially insensitate” them?  That’s what I reckon and it sure is a sad, sad day for our boys!!

And you know what el’se?  You better believe they’re gonna take away our wives and give all of US dogs too, once the homos finish their agenda!

That’s right!!  Thanks for making everyone homo, Hillfucktard Clitlicker!

If that’s not ENUFF PROOF FOR YOU:  

WORLD WAR II, the Depression, the Titanic, the Plague, 9/11, solar flares, that chick who broke your ribs last Black Friday, North Korea, Charles Manson, that lump that just isn’t going away, the Killing Fields, AIDS, your two miscarriages, the fake moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, the moment you still regret when you told your kids to go jump in the lake and the retarded dumbass fuckers went ahead ‘n did it?

IT’S ALL FUCKIN HILLARY!!!

Please please please stop this woman
!!!!Stop her!!!!!!
Until something else unexplained goes wrong!!

EXECUTIONS PLANNED FOR
HURLONMY CUNTLINT
AND
BRAWACKER OBUMANALHOMO!!

GET YER GLOCKS AND UR COCKS REDDY AMURRICA !

ITS GONNA BE A WONDIRFUL, GOD-LUVIN’ JESUS-FUCKIN DAY!!!!!!!

HALLA

LUYA

ζ

Cooking for Str8 Dudes #543 (with guest blogger Émile Iscoffatyeu, world-renowned personal chef and chick-magnet)

escoffier

“La bonne cuisine et un bon cul de salope est la fondation du véritable bonheur!”  – Emile Iscoffatyeu

ÉMILE ISCOFFATYEU:

Today’s, like, super-gourmet chick-magnet nosh is:

Refrigerator-preserved “Guggenheim” limes™
with
Char-grilled cinders of Dempster’s bagel™

Fuckin’ A, zut alors !

Ingredients:

2   limes (round green thing found at Loblaws)

1    bagel (round brown thing with a hole in the middle found at Loblaws, not to be confused with the round brown things with a hole in the middle found at Tim Hortons, which are donuts)

For serving:

1    plate  (round white thing found at – seriously, dude, you getting this down?)

Serves:  You and one skanky ‘ho.  Maybe her three-year-old.  Depends. Who are we kidding, no one’s eating this crap once her panties are off.  Which is on the bus on her way to your apartment if I’m thinking of the right skanky ‘ho.

Yeu may be – ‘ow do yeu say ? – wondering:

How to get more pussy:

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Refrigerator-preserved Guggenheim lime.

1. Two years ago, put the limes in the refrigerator.  We recommend waaaaay at the back, behind the Hellman’s jar with the blue fur in it.  Otherwise that other ‘ho you met – the one from AA with the partial plate and a taste for margaritas – is bound to commandeer them, if only to stuff them down her bra.  Right on!

2. Now, after reaching into your soiled boxer shorts and fondling your balls for 10 minutes*, take the limes out.

* as balls vary in size and fondle-ability, this timing is only a guideline.

 Where was I?  Oh yeah, limes. If you’ve left them for two years properly they will be hard, brown-skinned and basically resemble a poorly-executed Frank Gehry maquette for the Bilbao Guggenheim.

(What the heck is a Bilbao?  Is that, like, a sex toy or the furry dude from Middle Earth? – ed.)

3. Plate the limes.  

Yeah, “plate” them.

????

Fuck, man, put the limes on the plate, OK?  You want more pussy or what?  Seriously??

4. Meanwhile, attend to the bagel:  With your electric broiler on “high”, place the cut sides of the bagel face up and as close to the element as possible.  Now’s the perfect time to tackle that two-four while cruising “meet-another-skanky-ho dot com” with your pants around your ankles. High five, bro!!

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Char-grilled cinders of Dempster’s bagel. (Enlarged to show texture.)

5.   Regain consciousness two hours later and send the fire brigade home, after first decking the dude who shook you awake.  Like, back off, fire-‘mo!

(Maybe – ask him about the Bilbao Middle Earth thing? – ed.)

6.   Call up the ‘ho with the partial plate ’cause she hasn’t eaten since 1985 and you haven’t gotten laid since ?  Yesterday?   Kind of a blur isn’t it?!

Fuckin’ LOL, dude!!

7.  Plate.  Partial.  Down her bra.

8.  And a dildao.

~

New Year’s Resolutions +plus+ : Step aside and don your catcher’s masks…

putanaOfAYear

Hasta la vista, 2015, and take a bitch-slap on your way out.  Gracias!

… while I haul back, preparatory to bitch-slapping the year formerly known as Little Miss 2015 from here to Des Moines and back.

Hasta la vista, withered old putana of a year, and go dance your hobnail-booted habañera on someone else’s empañada!

Be it ever so faint, the next sound you hear will be my chapped, whitish lips – and believe me when I tell you I didn’t get them while skiing at Gstaad – puckering up, with what little saliva I can scrounge, to plant a sort-of-juicy but entirely welcoming kiss on the jiggling pink buttocks of 2016.

Yo, beh-BEH!

À propos the aforesaid less-than-juicy kiss, a “helpful” – which adjective is always to my mind surrounded by scary quotes – reader writes to me with the following information:

… may I suggest that you use a touch of milk and turmeric to remove the whitened chapped lips and a simple splash of olive oil to return them to there [sic.  sic as a dog] naturally pink hue. As for the saliva issue – simply suck the life out of anything that is “sour” and again the warm juices will flow like the nectar of a flower straight into your mouth.

Well.  There’s nought so queer as unsolicited advice.  I tried the olive oil and turmeric hacks but I just ended up looking like a reheated plate of yesterday’s baingan bharta.  (Too much turmeric? Or maybe too little.  Then again, what do I know!  LOL!- Ed.)

And in the infinitely repeating third-act reversal that is my life, the candidates for “sour”, apparently not effectively apprised of their role, have spent the greater part of 12 months sucking the life and soul out of me before vanishing up their own PTSDs with no hint of a forwarding address.

But enough about yours truly.  Let’s turn the focus back to you, dear reader, as in: What do you think of my New Year’s Resolutions?

You will note that I’m changing the schema of my life from “all-about-me” to “all-about-me-every-waking-second-and-as-much-of-the-sleeping-seconds-as-I-can-wrangle”, which at least is indicative of a spiritual change, if not actually an upgrade.

Once again, and not for the last time, a word to the wise:  Never forget how good I am to you, little troopers.  But never.

New Year’s Resolutions, 2016.

1.     This year, I pledge to receive more blowjobs than I perform.
Let’s make absolutely sure we’re on the same page here:  Receive not perform. Yes, I’m thinking Nobel Prize.   No wait, Pulitzer.

2.     I did not smoke enough in 2015.  This year, I vow to conquer my personal best, a pack a day, three packs if they’re from the reservation.  (10,000 hours to mastery and all that, and while I’m on the topic, thank you, Malcolm Gladwell!  Please see #1, above.)

3.     I commit to having more gay brunch, and always with extremely gay “stuffed” [sic] French Toast. (? “Freedom” Toast? Gay reminder to check. Gay.  Did I mention gay? Gay gay gay. Gay!)

4.     In 2016, if I cannot stop being a doormat, I will at least be a doormat by Aubusson. Actually – I’m thinking Pottery Barn.  Really I would honestly say more like IKEA.  No point biting off more than I can chew!  LOL!

5.     I plight my troth to spending more time on the “Innernet”, which also gives me extra practice with my ‘Murican pronounciashun (By the Innernet, I mean of course Amazon.com and Wikipedia, “The Encyclopedia You Write Yourself!”™).

6.     I swear on my mother’s grave I will think way more about President Trump and what his story teaches me about good, honest ‘Murican work, incisive intelligence and corruscating wit, and less about Justin Trudeau and what his tousled hair and rippling muscles teach me about oh Christ baby just answer the fucking phone, please?!  

7.     I resolve to be so very fucking proud to be Canadian.

yellowjacket_sealer_clubbing_med

Canapés have feelings, too.

8.     Make no mistake, I am firm about eating more baby seals.  Baby seal canapés, baby seal hamburgers, baby seal maki sushi, baby seal breakfast cereal.  Because, you know. Vegetables – and yes, of course, Adolf Hitler as well, thank you for mentioning it! – have feelings, too. They’re just, I dunno. Shy?

9.    Recycling.  Hard as it may be, I will will will do even less recycling this year.  I prefer to externalize my recycling duties to Union Carbide, Monsanto and Nestlé, who, never mind leaving the place as they found it, haven’t even made their beds, walked the dog or taken out the trash yet.  They are just so fucking grounded!

And Fraser River salmon wearing plastic shopping bags are, to my entrepreneurial mind, a synergistic marketing opportunity that has slipped under the radar.

10.     I will scwew up my widdle face with my unflagging determination to talk to God on a daily basis, Yo!  I especially want to know when the next overloaded-with-women-and-blind-one-armed-orphans Indian ferry is going down, as there are a few blind-one-armed women and blind-one-armed orphans I’d like to be on it.  And a couple of fucking blind-one-armed baby seals, too.

11.     I solemnly resolve to sulk.  Oh, fine, alright, sulk more. Smart-ass!  It’s just all about you every time, isn’t it?    Done!

12.   While swearing on a multi-cultural stack of Bibles, Korans and Bhagavad Gitas, I sincerely promise that I will stop getting annoyed with gay friends who refer to themselves as having a “mangina”, a “munt” or a “mussy“.

Instead, I will hack them to death with my Martha Stewart Mini Stick Blender.

Happy New Year. Everyone. Really.  

Memory Lane, c/o The Little Cottage with the Delphiniums, Cabbagetown, Toronto.

The Eponymous Delphiniums. Since you asked.

The eponymous Delphiniums. Since you asked.

Yes, it’s nostalgia time here at slowpainful dot com, and this of course means I’m going to fob you off with repurposed material.  Never, and believe me when I say it, NEVER forget how good I am to you.

The first barrel of crude comes courtesy of, you guessed it, my fracking source of choice for black, sticky narcissism, Facebook.   What would I do with my time otherwise?  Clean the apartment? Fuddle-duddle! 

(Justin, baby, did you catch my little quote from Papa Trudeau?   My little fresh-from-the-oven brioche!  Now  answer your frickin’ phone, OK?)

fiddlesticks

If you click on the image – oh, snookums, as if you haven’t already, c’mon now, own up – you’ll be transported back to a kinder, gentler time of stockpiled egg whites and their invaluable quick life tip.  Trust me when I say that my brutal honesty around this particular hack has saved many, many a marriage from actually taking place.

And if the stiffening peaks of my meringue leave your heart cold as a baked Alaska, allow me, if you will, to regale you with the updated semi-colons and changed text color on my post » Sacramento! and other useful California expressions.  This is what we call, in “Innernet” jargon, a refresh.

So if you’re planning an ill-advised trip to California, or just looking to toss, as it were, some sparkly Epsom salts into the flat, tepid bathwater that is your sorry excuse for a life, I urge you to check it out.

Yes, I am, and thanks as always for being so in-my-face about it!

Thus, in summary, never, never forget how – hmmm?  Oh, I did — ?