Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented

Luxuriate in elegance and start many a meal-time exchange of value by using our Whether you choose Gourmet Sticks ending with Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowls— Gourmet Sticks With Long Flat Holdy Bits And A Sharp Side— or Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs— our Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings frame your plate, … Continue reading Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented

We have PAPERBACK! + REVIEW offer

Sorry to SHOUT BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED!  Oh, fuck I started SHOUTING AGAIN BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! Really, really sorry about my lack of control.  But it's not every day that you PUBLISH A PAPERBACK !!!.  Oh, god.  This is really embarrassing.  Just try to bear with me as I tell you a little … Continue reading We have PAPERBACK! + REVIEW offer

Cooking for Str8 Dudes #543 (with guest blogger Émile Iscoffatyeu, world-renowned personal chef and chick-magnet)

ÉMILE ISCOFFATYEU: Today's, like, super-gourmet chick-magnet nosh is: Refrigerator-preserved "Guggenheim" limes™ with Char-grilled cinders of Dempster's bagel™ Fuckin' A, zut alors ! Ingredients: 2   limes (round green thing found at Loblaws) 1    bagel (round brown thing with a hole in the middle found at Loblaws, not to be confused with the round brown things with … Continue reading Cooking for Str8 Dudes #543 (with guest blogger Émile Iscoffatyeu, world-renowned personal chef and chick-magnet)

New Year’s Resolutions +plus+ : Step aside and don your catcher’s masks…

Hasta la vista, 2015, and take a bitch-slap on your way out.  Gracias! ... while I haul back, preparatory to bitch-slapping the year formerly known as Little Miss 2015 from here to Des Moines and back. Hasta la vista, withered old putana of a year, and go dance your hobnail-booted habañera on someone else's empañada! Be it ever so faint, the next sound … Continue reading New Year’s Resolutions +plus+ : Step aside and don your catcher’s masks…

Memory Lane, c/o The Little Cottage with the Delphiniums, Cabbagetown, Toronto.

Yes, it's nostalgia time here at slowpainful dot com, and this of course means I'm going to fob you off with repurposed material.  Never, and believe me when I say it, NEVER forget how good I am to you. The first barrel of crude comes courtesy of, you guessed it, my fracking source of choice for black, sticky narcissism, Facebook. … Continue reading Memory Lane, c/o The Little Cottage with the Delphiniums, Cabbagetown, Toronto.

Done Done Done! PLUS: “The Kytt-yger!” + Fun Facts About Literary Icons #14

Never forget how good I am to you.  Deal? First off, let this be my official announcement: There's an idée fixe that's been taking up WAY too much of my mental real estate. So, to make way for more positive, healing thoughts, let me say that I am DONE DONE DONE with posting my - … Continue reading Done Done Done! PLUS: “The Kytt-yger!” + Fun Facts About Literary Icons #14