Ministress of Silky Sheen

Plus: Where the fuck is Kamala Oojamacallit?

CANADIAN FINANCE MINISTER, Deputy Prime Minister in a pinch, something to do with Alberta for a couple of days but it didn’t work out, Justin Trudeau’s Official BFF Next to Sophie-Grégoire, and Dry-Cleaning Picker-Upper without portfolio Chrystia Freeland delivered her budget speech on April 19, 2021, after performing her customary pre-speech hair-whip, thereby ending the longest period without a Federal budget since Confederation.

Fortunately for Canadians, the budget had been approved in record time by the doddering, 90-year-old descendent of the German dynasty of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha who lives three thousand miles away in a heavily-guarded mausoleum filled with priceless antiquities, and who, for reasons no one can actually remember, is just kind of randomly in charge of everything.

So, like, Vielen Dank, gnädige Frau! for every little thing you do.

The popular budget includes funds for Indigenous reparations, subject to haggling, though Freeland made it clear that any frills like clean drinking water will just have to wait until the next election.

Also in the budget was Trudeau’s eagerly anticipated “One Litre of Kawartha Lakes Premium Maple Walnut Ice Cream for All Vaccinated Canadians Over Eleven” pandemic benefit, and an optional subscription to FunkyWoolSox-R-Us dot com, which gets him a free month for anyone who signs on using his special QR code.

No word yet, however, on affordable housing, electoral reform, or his plan to lure Jodie Wilson-Raybaud to a hotel in Yellowknife then lock her in the bathroom until she promises to behave.

Funds for environmental initiatives were somewhat reduced as Canada’s commitments to the Paris Accord have been delegated to US President Joe Biden, whose canceling of Keystone XL on his first day in office, and recent huge investment in electric cars, caught the Federal Government napping. We spoke to Global Affairs Canada for their insights, or, since no one answered the phone there, any old random shopper at the LCBO.

“Surprised? Gobsmacked is more like it!” said our random shopper, Wendy, as she loaded up her cart with one-litre boxes of Jackson-Triggs Sauvignon blanc.

“This cynical betrayal by our neighbour to the south is completely contrary to the spirit of the Three Amigos Trade Whaddayacallit. I mean, making campaign promises, fair enough, but then actually, like, doing them?

“I’d like to think it’s just a rookie mistake,” she continued, while shoving a handful of vodka miniatures into her coat pocket, “because otherwise, we’ll have to, I dunno. Cave on softwood lumber prices, I guess? Let me get back to you after I… Actually, could you check these out for me? I’m just a little teensy-weensy bit wasted! So what else is new, eh?”

Freeland did have to field some hostile questioning at the press briefing, with one reporter asking, “Does the Liberal Government have a money tree?” 

But the Harvard- and Oxford- educated, internationally respected journalist and best-selling author on economic policy, who speaks five languages, is recognized worldwide for her commitment to human rights and democracy, and who, according to close friends of the PM, “makes a killer cup of java and runs out for Timbits for the guys without being asked,” chose to deflect rather than engage.

“Can I pick up an anniversary card and some nice flowers for anyone?” she said, adding, quite helpfully, “They have a great selection at Loblaws. Yes, no?

“Anyway, you can catch me in the PMO, I’ll be ironing Justin’s shirts from eight PM. Toodles!!”

Response to the budget by Canadians has been mixed, with most people ecstatic at the positive, progressive agenda, but quickly sinking into depression as they realize that mostly it will get snarled up in red tape then fizzle out, followed by quiet desperation when they realize that the only real alternative is Erin O’Toole, and circling back to ecstatic again when they realize they can just keep gritting their teeth and strategic-voting Liberal, whatever their preferred political affiliation might be.

Jagmeet Singh, leader of the New Democratic Party, however, was vociferous in his criticisms, commenting, “Hey everyone, lookit me! Hey, lookit… Over here, hellooo — ?” but no one did.

Freeland even managed to keep her cool during an awkward moment when Liberal MP William Amos, supposedly “on holiday,” wandered into the House naked and stood directly behind her urinating into his coffee mug.

“Oh, darn,” he said, as the Speaker called for order. “I just can’t get used to this hybrid thing! Am I supposed to be at home? Sorry! My bad! OK then!”

“It’s disgraceful!” opined one MP from the conservative side. “It’s simply disingenuous of Bill Amos to claim he’s confused, when he’s obviously flaunting his pissing cred.”

But a New Democratic Party MP jumped to Amos’s defense. “Only a conservative could see a limp, micturating dick and make it partisan — just typical.”

Freeland, when asked later how she managed with such aplomb, simply replied, “I was there when he was naked on cam, and, seriously? I’ve seen far more honorable members.”

In other news, US Vice President Kamala Harris, missing since the Inauguration, is still not Black enough.


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