United Corona States of America

“Hey Mel. Mel?

Yeah, vhat?

Mel? Is that you? I can’t hear too good on this baby intercom thing. What? What was that? Jeezus. Couldn’t you just, I dunno. Uber me, like, over to the Hilton?

Donald. Dahlink. Is four in morning. Is it again terrors of night? You vant I sing again all twenty-nine verses “Polovtsian Lullaby of Steppes”? Please, little dipshitsky, make-up guy is here and—

Jeezus, Mel. Take me off speakerphone. Or babyphone. I have something serious to tell you. And why is your make-up guy… is he a pansy?

Is not normal to know such things. Bruce Make-up Guy are you pansy? Uh-huh, husband vants—No. Is not pansy.

Mostly they’re pansies, but then one day one of them turns out NOT to be a pansy, you understand? Like that, whaddayacallit, “pre-verbal pansy in an onion snatch—” you know the world-famous kids song. “Dah dah-dee-dee-dee dah DEE dah-dee onion snatch—”

Donnsky, Please to be not singing. OK. I’m off speakerphone. You got two minutes. Just a vodka straight up, dahlink—

What was—What are you saying? You want me to Uber you a vodka?

Am talking to Bruce Make-up Guy.

Bruce! There’s always a Bruce! Fuckin pansy! I thought I was your Bruce, baby… And why—

Is Wednesday morning four am and you know I must finishing make-up for Friday photo-op. With hedge clippers. Was your idea. Standing in Rose Garden with hedge clippers. Already they call me names. Who is Myra Hindley?

Baby, she’s a famous taste-maker. Myra Hindley Living. So smart, she went to jail. Makes apple pie. Delicious apple pie, you never had a better apple pie. Her chickens lay colored eggs. I know her intimately. She adores me, of course.

They call me chicken lady? No. Is not good.

Anyway, I thought you just Photoshopped your face—?

Could you please getting to the—

Mel, listen to me. I’ve got a sore throat. And a cough. And this weird rash—

You are butt fucking hookers again?

No. Just Democrats! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa—

Hahaha! Hahaha high fives, dahlink. High fives! Me too, I am having also temperature—

HaHaHaHaHaHa buttfucking little Fauci, buttfucking little disabled Fauci, little disabled Fauci with Down Syndrome, HaHaHaHaHaHa little, like Hillary Pizza Parlour disabled retards with Down Syndrome—

Donald, is only so much HaHaHa can a girl coping with in one day. Please and thanking—

Buttfucking Hope Hicks! Buttfucking little disabled Hope Hicks. Hey—Donald Trump Buttfucks Hope! How’s that for a campaign slogan!

Donald, listen. I am having temperature and thick cough with phlegmas but you, dahlink? No. Is not serious. I am thinking President lungs just line up virus like firing squad in town square, like in old country. Showing always virus who is boss man.

And I had that dream again when, you remember I told you? I was in a cage. A cage! Like an animal—

Horrible, Donny, horrible, so sorry you are having that experience, even though I don’t give a fuck, remember?

—an ANIMAL and my parents weren’t there and I tried to talk to someone, the maitre d’, the director of valet parking, anyone, but then it’s fuckin NANCY. Yeah, Crazy Loopy Pelosi herself, and she was like an alien, I couldn’t understand her. She opens her mouth and I swear just this, this— shithole Nancy Demtard language came out.

Like crazy bitch grandmother in old country! She should go home, make beet soup. Like this Myra Hindley chicken lady. Stay out of politics. Is men’s work.

Listen to me, baby, and I have a temperature! Seriously, what is going on? You think the Dems did this? I’m the greatest, kindest guy in the universe, everyone loves me, and what does the universe do? It breaks—

Breaks your balls, Donny, I know. Tell you what, dahlink. Next time we get off Air Force One and world is watching I’m slapping your face. OK? In front of Press Corps, slapping your face, Donny. You like that?

You don’t think it’s the rallies? It couldn’t be. Nah. They love me, they wouldn’t give me viruses and anyway I think once you’re immune to the flu and E Coli and—E Coli? E Boli? Whatever, didn’t we cancel that? Monkey Coronaflu? And maybe take a hot shower—virus, you’re fired! That’s how it works!

Ohhh, that’s beautiful, Bruce! Beautiful! Ya, right there baby, don’t stop!

Mel. Mel? You still there?

Mmmmmmmflfffafafafafmmmmmlllllalalalal!!!!!

Mel! Let’s just fake it.

Oh, Donny, I’m sorry to be telling you that was not fake. Only with you, baby. Special for you!

Mel, I mean fake the Chinese corona disease and just disappear, can we?

Donny?

Yeah baby? What is it? You want those new shoes, baby? You wanna walk all over me? Hey, what did Bill Clinton say, that thing he said that you liked? “Ah never had sexual relations with that woman?” Was that it—

No, I like always when he is saying, “Intern pussy is best pussy.”

I love you, Nancy –

Nancy! Vhat the fucking—

Pocahontas—FUCK! I meant, Mel, you, Melania Trumpsky! Promise you won’t die on me, baby? If you don’t die I’ll buy you those shoes, I’ll buy you a thousand pairs! I won’t know what to do if you die on me, just make it all dis… disapp… disappear….

Donny. Stop crying like, like—pukotnik! Leesten to me. You are so old, you having orange hair on hinge, your dick is like my leetle finger and you are having terrors of the night, always! Are you man or girly-man? I did not marry you for money, but for your being strong man!

That’s true…

Look vhat I do, I’m not being so old, I am having Bruce Make-Up Man for terrors of night, I have on always designer gown! And is best of all, I have historical-first First Lady Instagram tits.

Is that a fact?

Use keywords “Melania tits.” Is working also “Melania MILF big tits.”

Tell me, Mel. Tell me what to do. I’m trying to cry… Oh god. I want to be sorry, I feel I should be sorry, but—you know something? I don’t give a fuck, either. Hey, I don’t give a fuck! That is beautiful! Did I get that from you? How does it work, being sorry, is it a feeling or—I don’t get it, what’s the point?

Point is to be better person. No one is telling me better than what.

I mean, if I do something wrong, I just tell them I didn’t do it! There, done! Wrong thing, you’re fired! Hey, listen to this: “Buttfuck notorious retard RBG baby killer with Down Syndrome—you’re fired!!” HaHaHaHaHaHa—”Buttfuck—”

You know vhat, Donsky? Cry-babsky, pukotnik?

Yeah, baby? Anything. I’ll buy you anything— we’ll just make it disappear—we can enter the, what is there a Bankrupt Impeached Small-Dicked Autocrat Protection Program? Didn’t I hear that? Or did Obama fuck that up, too?

Meester Sir President?

Jeezus—what is it, Nancy? Oh FUCK—!!

Uber me that vodka.”