victory

Planting little kisses all over my face in the mirror…

I mean, normally that’s YOUR job, gentle and misguided reader.  But I’ll give you the day off from following my EULA to the very letter.   You deserve this not for any action on your part – puhLEEEASE! – but  because I have triumphed over the forces of darkness that have been swirling around my ankles like a choirboy’s cassock at a Vatican audition.

But first:  What was your favorite Trump moment of the past week?  Mine was his retort to Theresa May, PM of Britain.  In case you hadn’t heard, Prime Minister May, in an unprecedented public shaming, chided Trump for displaying extreme, and almost certainly fake, racist, anti-Muslim videos obtained from extreme UK right-wing group “Britain First”.

May’s office condemned Britain First for its use of “hateful narratives which peddle lies and stoke tensions.”

The statement continued, “The British people overwhelmingly reject the prejudiced rhetoric of the far-right, which is the antithesis of the values that this country represents — decency, tolerance and respect.”

Then, unequivocal condemnation:  “It is wrong for the President to have done this.”

Trump, like a defensive high school kid caught red-handed smoking behind the recycling bins and sent to the Principal’s office, decided to “Back atcha” her with a little arrogant, patronizing cyberbullying:

trump-may

How was he to know that he targeted the tweet to the wrong Theresa May?

Yup, that’s right.  Although this sounds like something lifted verbatim from satirical magazine The Onion, it is unfortunately true: Theresa May Scrivener, a 41-year-old British citizen with a protected Twitter account of six followers, said, “I haven’t been able to leave my house. I’ve been bombarded and contacted by press from around the world.”

She added,

“It’s amazing to think that the world’s most powerful man managed to press the wrong button,” she said. “I’m just glad he was not contacting me to say he was going to war with North Korea.”

No kidding.  Britain First, a hate group, is reviled by most British citizens (who, despite May’s brave words are no slouches in the racism department), is in trouble with the law, and represents possibly the worst candidate for publicizing by a President of the United States that you could possibly choose. From a fringe position of near invisibility to world-wide notoriety in one instant—all thanks to The Donald.

I wonder what the gaffes are that we DON’T hear about…?


And now, back to me, thank ya JEEEEEEZUS!

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A-fobbin’ off we go, a-fobbin’ off we go…!

 

I appear to have reached an all-time low,

which, seeing where the bar is situated, makes me limbo champion of the universe as I touch the back of my balding scalp to my yellowed heels.

I had been thinking it was time to post again, but, being too beaten down and so very dangling on the edge of extinction to really care, I dithered.  I dallied.  The only thing I had ready was a video, and that would make two videos in a row.

For some reason, I imagined my readers would really care about this.

As if! And once again possessed with that profoundly cynical Weltanschauung—which is a brand of German washing machine that tells you to at least rinse out your skivvies, dude, then locks you in the basement until you comply— I  rallied!

What is my solution?  Post a cute cat video that’s not even by me!  I oughta be horse-whipped.  Horse-whipped, I tell ya!

Altogether, now:

“This is the only cute cat video I will ever post.

“Today.”

From My Squalid Kitchen: Episode 6—Mature Mayonnaise Marathon

UPDATE: I received this heartfelt email from a “fan”:

Dear Wannabe Film Maker Who Can’t Even Operate His Smartphone:

Me and a couple of other male colleagues booked maternity leave so we could watch your “Mayonnaise” epic, which clocked in at 20 minutes of nothing but you stirring an egg in a bowl. Talk about bait and switch! We tried to cancel and go back to work, but you know. Until Planned Parenthood mans up and drops the pro-female PC liberal bullshit, we’re basically fucked.

It’s like, over for us, but maybe you could edit it down a bit, for the sake of. You know. Personkind.

Also, do you know where we can score some good weed? We’ll be at the food bank today, just before it closes. Thanks, dude.

So I had another go at the edit and I’ve got it down to 12 minutes – that’s seven minutes less. This video is now tighter than Kirstie Alley’s thigh warmers.  Sorry, culottes.

And THAT’s the way (uh-huh uh-huh) we all now apparently LIKE it (uh-huh uh-huh).  Enjoy!

~

What can you do at 62 with an egg yolk and some oil? If you guessed “get a guaranteed seat on the subway”, you’d only be partially right.

This is the second attempt at this episode, after I forgot to turn the camera on, dropped the yolk in the sink, and watched a large roach stampede by during the first attempt. But if you’re into the “gross factor”, never fear—I make the mayo while smoking.

There’s no planning in any of this, you know. None.