In which the author, exhausted by maintaining his consistently superhuman level of blogging excellence, fobs you off with a “Twitchie”; +PLUS+ Dave be like “Click the button!”

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First signs of President Trump Stress Disorder:  “The Twitchies”.

You may be wondering.

I’ve been lying in my bathtub since, you know—“the election”—my chin wobbling like my mother’s infamous tomato aspic from the effort of holding back my wild, existential cry of “What The Fuck, dude!?“.

For a little variety I count the missing chunks in the tile grouting,  while I figure out what necessities I’ll take to the special Alaskan holiday camp for homosexuals when Pence sends the order.

So far I’ve come up with:

two pink toothbrushes (one of them manual in case it’s hard to find batteries);

flap-in-the-back longjohns pinned to “open”;

Canada Goose parka, whose astronomical cost will force me to obtain an undercover coatcheck job at The Black Eagle and nab one while its naked owner is firmly strapped to the St. Andrew’s Cross;

the fluorescent stuff your manservant puts on your nose in Gstaad before you frappez la piste;

my own bag of rocks (in case the ones they provide for hacking with a pickaxe “aren’t doing it for me”); and

DVD Special Extras Editions of “Now, Voyager” and “All About Eve” (which latter title always makes me want to scream, in desperate parody of those rabid christians who oppose equal marriage:  “They made ‘All About EVE’, not ‘All About STEVE’ !!).

So you see, though you may think I’m spending my time lolling like a catamite on black satin sheets, peeling grapes and licking Reddi-Whip off the butt-cracks of random 20-year-old skateboarders, I am, in fact, limp as a Cossack after a hard day’s rape and pillage. All this AND a case of severe,  possibly terminal, President Trump Stress Disorder.

PTSD is a parlous state manifesting as reflexive mouse-clicking while asleep, nicotine overdose and an attention span stretched so wafer-thin that I’ve had to several times during my breakfast revisit the instructions on the Kellog’s Frosted Flakes box (for some reason I keep bungling Step 6: “Enjoy!”).

This lifetime-benefits-worthy level of election-induced disability is completely related to my self-imposed burden of riffing on the greatest show on earth, the recent coronation of Citizen Don. Even more than Obama, he proved that, in America, anyone—and believe me when I say, anyone—can make their American Dreams come hideously true.

But The Donald, with his secret, award-winning recipe of a thin coating of élite enclosing a filled-with-nuts Trump-lump of pure white trash, topped that heap without any of that fancy book-larnin’ and puttin’ on airs, don’t ya know;  and, it should by now go without saying, definitely without flaunting any unpatriotic skin tones.

Real ‘Murcans, as it turns out, like a bit of authenticity with their despots.  Not grace under pressure, but pressure sans grace, sans eyes, sans teeth, sans everything. President O, are you taking notes?  Really, some of my best friends are Hahvad grads, but did you hafta be so goldarned – well, <whisper> BLACK about it? Property values, dude, property values!

And dull!?  OMFG!! The country that invented serial killing then brainstormed it into production-line hamburger franchises was hardly in the mood for Percy Faith and his hundred and one strings; this high-minded mellow; this,“let’s take it slow, ACA, baby, and if I said you have a beautiful body politic would you hold it against me?”  No tantrums, no marital problems, no scandals —

Basically, Barry:  Who the fuck do you think you are?

You have patience alright, my fine dusky-feathered friend, patience in spades; and I’m very sorry about the crude pun, but hey. Come February, 2017, you could probably find a job watching glaciers melt.

I hear there’s positions opening up as we speak.

~

Moving right along, allow me to throw off this lead apron of despair that god-the-invisible-dentist has fastened around my neck as casually as Luigi at the Spaghetti Factory used to fasten the red and white bib so you shouldn’t get sauce on your tie.   And while I’m lightening the tone,  may I say, to the accompaniment of the little smooching noises I make into my webcam,  I’m just LOVIN’ ME some new header (see above. Where did you think the header was? Are you a Luddite? I mean, seriously, dude).

I’ll be honest—and you may want to sit down for this bit after getting your impressionable youngsters out of earshot—it’s a “me” thing.  Ya know??!   I like it because it’s created by me, which makes it a macaroni pic par excellence, and I like it because it’s all portraits of me at various points in my life, including the day I invented “male camel toe”, when I was five.

Oh yeah, baby.  I had ambition back then.

I like my header because Hillary’s in it, gallivanting in rainbow pantsuits across my gaunt, vicarious election-losertard face. How many millions of people can say that?

Exactly!

Do I come across as shallow?

Please, please don’t despair. Just because I’m my own schizoid fan club, including the mousey, horn-rimmed secretary, a phone-it-in role for Patricia Hitchcock, AND the sultry, wisecracking, torpedo-breasted head of the social committee, a turn that simply begs for the ministrations of Lauren Bacall – that doesn’t mean I don’t, you know. TOTALLY CRAVE your clicking my “Like” button.  

No, you can’t go to Breitbart just yet, honey. Settle down, OK?

Don’t think for one second that your opinion doesn’t matter, because, dudes, since you asked, and I’m only going to say this once:

« I’m the neediest friggin’ cocksucker from here to Des Moines. »

No question.  I’m so fucking needy, it’s insane.  I’m like the baby bird in the nest, cheep cheep!  opening my naked maw for the slimy, wiggling worms of your validation;  I’m your golden lab puppy whining for food and water, yapping its promise of total, abject love from the cold basement room;

I’m Richard Burton tied to the bedpost while Liz sits at her dressing table, removes her bra, puts scarlet lipstick on her nipples:-

That’s how much your opinion matters to me; in fact, this may be the ONE TIME today, in your life even, when your opinion matters so much to someone.  Or at all!

Think about that, my collective Virginia. Think about that really hard. But only for a short period of time, because the implications – well.

It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?  Unless you make sure you think with extreme, concentrated effort, and keep it, like, under twenty or maybe thirty seconds, tops. That could work.

Alrighty?  So, just to make absolutely nail-it-to-the-floor certain we’re all on the same page, my final instructions are:  Think REALLY hard for a SHORT time about your opinion mattering.  To me. OK?  Let’s see how well you get on.

Frankly, with most of you we’re happy if we can hold a mirror to your lips and see some fogging, so the bar is, I admit, extremely low. But I’m reasonably confident about the “Like” button thing being within your grasp. At least for some of you.

OK.

I feel, and don’t ask me how, that at this point one or two of the more-or-less uncoachable ones amongst you may be wondering:  Is David being bossy ? Is David, like, a bossy person?

PUH-LLLLEASE!  Let me set the record straight once again.  Since you asked.

I am not bossy.  I am goal-oriented.  Like, MY goals for YOU.  OK?

Now, CLICK, dammit.

CLICK!!??!!

-£-

!!! SHOCKING EXCLUSIVE: Hillary and Obama responsible for absolutely everything! Yes, THAT everything! Unbelievable!!?

I’ve been lax in my coverage of the

greatest, raunchiest, smelliest, most-filled-with-animals, free-because-they-haven’t-figured-out-a-way-to-charge-for-it-yet three-ring circus, the Amurcan elections.  I admit it.

But that is about to change, with these exclusive scoops of bullshit-flavored frozen petroleum-based dessert-truthiness from SlowPainful’s tireless, probe-’em-till-it-hurts AND born-again freelance reporter, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy—who today is making her lesbian-journalistic debut with slowpainful!  Let’s hear a nice round of applause for Glossolalia-Jeezus!

Hello?

Did I ever mention, and were you in attendance for,  the bit about never, never forgetting how good I am to you?  Like not even for one second, that measurement assuming that we stay within the current Newtonian  paradigm?   Did I?  Hmmmm?

And now, without further ado, our…

EXCLUSIVE:
LAST-MINUTE ELECTION SHOCKER!!

With reporting by born-again journalist-on-the-go and erstwhile lesbianic messiah, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy.

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HITLERY CLONE HORROR AND HUSSEIN IN FLAMES:  Near-tragic forced landing of the TERRORIST firebombed American Airlines aircraft at O’Hare, with unbelievable laughter from the Hitlery lesbo clones. TOP RIGHT:  the Satanic face of you-know-who in the clouds! This is so unbelievable than anything else ever seen!  Or since!

CHICAGO:-   A terrified, yet still-confused, yet ultimately still-confident,  yet mostly still-obese, but when push comes to shove, ultimately, terrified, America is reeling after our publication of this Photoshopped image, exclusive to Slowpainful.com, of cloned Muslim terrorist Hitlerrat Clitsnot and her Kenyan lackey Barfass Obumbanga, depicted here at Chicago O’Hare just after their horrendous fabricated firebombing of an American Airlines jet.

How do people like this eat their in-flight dinners with a clean conscience???!!  Or sleep at night?????!!!

As per typical, the Serial Killery clones are dressed in communist pantsuits in homosexuality rainbow colours, and are laughing their feminazi heads off, while that un-American NRA-hater and enemy of decent white male unemployed patriots Badatheist Oreomuslim manifests as he always does: in a cloud of black, Satanic smoke positively billowing out of any disaster you could name!!!!!??? 

LATEST ATTEMPTED GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER?  YOU BE THE JUDGE?!!

FACT:  Dozens of  Killery clones are coming!  THEY ARE BEING SEEDED AMONG US disguised as cheery lesbian day-care workers, auto mechanics and dog walkers! Anywhere that a pantsuit can pass unremarked upon!

IT GET’S BETTER!  OR WOR’SE!  Look closely at the Hitlery’s seen on top of that aircraft!

FACT: THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IS ACTUALLY NOT HER CLONE!

The FBI has hinted to me that this mysterious Islamotard-clothed person is one of soon-to-be-on-death-row President Barfly O’Bambivegan‘s hundred-thousand Satanist pedophile day care workers!

FACT:  Those libtards told you they had a literacy program, but it was a front! Unbelievable!!

THOSE FILTHY SATANISTS JUST SCRAMBLED THE PROGRAM NAME!! 

And you won’t believe your ears when I rearrange the words to crack the code and reveal IT’S TRUE, PEDO IDENTITY:

NO CHILD’S BEHIND LEFT!!

Americans, have you HAD ENOUGH yet?

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Literacy program my ass!!

Enuff of these female body parts and un-patriotic skin colors??

These are not just Traitor’s and Libtard’s who should be locked up!

NO IT GET’S WOR’SE!!  OR BETTER!!?

Exclusive intelligence has been uncovered by us that Shillery and Barflack Obirthcertificateislam are

RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!!
Yes, my friends, “THAT” everything!

You know, the everything that’s every last fuckin’ thing from the Garden of Eden to now!

That’s six thousand years, guys, and I know, it’s hard for Jesus to get my poor sinner’s brain around that mind-boggling amount of socialist shenaniganizing!

BUT IT’S JUST SO ABSOLUTELY CROSS OF CALVARY ON MY HEART TRUE!

UNBELIEVABLE!!
HOW DO THEY SLEEP WITH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT??!!

FACT:  That snivelling fasci-fem Histamine Crinklecutpotatochipmussoliniton is giving the planet a headache!  In more ways than one!

Seems there’s a PING sound emanating from the normal hum of the arctic, like this:

HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm! HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm!

Sounds just like her, don’t it?  Yep, sounds like friggin’ socialist hippy Yogatards everywhere.

And it’s not even very catchy!!
WHAT A LOSER-TARD!

Now get this, that socialist north of the border radio program the CBC – oh GAG ME! =  Communist Bunch Of Crapslingers!  LMAO !!  – has suggested that this is related to oil fracking!

Fuckin retard’s!

FACT:  Fracking produces as much as one whole quart of oil per month, plenty to do your freedom fries in as far as I can reckon.

FACT: The Prairie Stinkwort, the state flower of Minneapolis, NEEDs fracking water to thrive, you scumbag flowertards!

FACT:  Hellbully has been seen many, many times heading north on one of those Feminazi motor scooters!

YOU CAN’T FOOL US, Hellarhoid! We can put two and two together!!

HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DINNER AT NIGHT????!!!

FACT:  Hippietard hired a triangle player from the New York Philharmonic and paid him $500,000 out of YOUR hard-earned taxes, just to hang out in a Russian submarine and make that PING! sound once every couple hours!!

Now there’s a fine use of your stolen money!!  Howdya like your Communism now, libtards!??

That’s right, a Russian sub at the North Pole, with sex-starved and perverted Russian sailors so if her good friend Vladimir is anything to go by she’s not only a commie she’s a SHAMELESS TERROR SLUT AS WELL!

FACT:   Speaking on condition of anonymity, we have evidence of an ongoing secret initiative for brainwashing citizens with electroshock therapy delivered through NPR broadcasts that makes them vote for foreigners, like our former Saudi Arabian dictator, Kenyan Bareass Oreobumslam!!

But wor’st:   They also suck the real American right out of his skin, then fill him up with French or black or chinese people, OR – you guessed it!  More people like HighOnDrugs Clapscrewed!

HOW DO THESE FEMI-NAZI-TARD’S EAT THEIR SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER??  AT DINNER NIGHTS!!??

FACT:  Your washing machine broke down on the same day your mom died. COINCIDENCE???  Tell THAT to your typical layabout welfaretard or some Obamacare freeloader on a death panel!??

FACT:  You’ve been suffering from psoriasis AND fungal infections in your toenails, not to mention your toy poodle has been crapping on the carpet again and last week he bit your cousin while she tried to turn your son into a homo!  Already he likes wearing dresses what’ll happen when he’s two????!!!

FACT:  Homos can now get married in some states, of which I am heartedly ashamed, BUT I TELL YA VERILY THEY WILL NEVER GET MARRIED IN THE STATE OF GRACE, AMEN, cause marriage is between ONE man and at least ONE frail, weak woman.  WOMAN, NOT HARLOT!!

God will smite you into dust, Harlotry Callgirlwhoreton!!?

FACT: The world used to be flat, when Jeezus was still walking amongst us with his band of Merry Men!  Yessir, His name was just like mine!  Now, its going all round and such, like when you inflate that exercise ball and who the hell knows what’ll happen next, thanks to you, HorribleJewKillery Christabortionton!?? 

Maybe it’ll go square and those new deck chairs from Wayfair are gonna fall right off inta hell!  You killed my Christ you Hillretardtheist!!!!!

obama-bestialityFACT:  Check out this picture on the left!  I know!! UNBELIEVEABLE!!!???  Barbarian Oscumsuckertard legalized Bestiality in the Military!  It’s right on Facebook!

So now you got your Dobermans getting shtupped by the colonels, Great Danes by the generals, and so forth, right down to Chihuahuas for the new recruits, which I guess makes sense cause they’re smaller and otherwise how would those poor little privates, what’s the word, “artificially insensitate” them?  That’s what I reckon and it sure is a sad, sad day for our boys!!

And you know what el’se?  You better believe they’re gonna take away our wives and give all of US dogs too, once the homos finish their agenda!

That’s right!!  Thanks for making everyone homo, Hillfucktard Clitlicker!

If that’s not ENUFF PROOF FOR YOU:  

WORLD WAR II, the Depression, the Titanic, the Plague, 9/11, solar flares, that chick who broke your ribs last Black Friday, North Korea, Charles Manson, that lump that just isn’t going away, the Killing Fields, AIDS, your two miscarriages, the fake moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, the moment you still regret when you told your kids to go jump in the lake and the retarded dumbass fuckers went ahead ‘n did it?

IT’S ALL FUCKIN HILLARY!!!

Please please please stop this woman
!!!!Stop her!!!!!!
Until something else unexplained goes wrong!!

EXECUTIONS PLANNED FOR
HURLONMY CUNTLINT
AND
BRAWACKER OBUMANALHOMO!!

GET YER GLOCKS AND UR COCKS REDDY AMURRICA !

ITS GONNA BE A WONDIRFUL, GOD-LUVIN’ JESUS-FUCKIN DAY!!!!!!!

HALLA

LUYA

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