COVID 19: It All Comes Down to Toilet Paper

North America — and introverts — are on top of things! Sort of!


empty shelves in a Toronto Supermarket as a result of panic buying and supply chain disruptions

W orld Health Organization and traditional media:

“Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, avoid crowds and work from home.

“Take these precautions seriously, but don’t panic.”


CANADA: An Example to the World

Cana-DA ! Écoute-moi, wash yourself the hands!! And ne touche pas ton visage TABARNAK ! Tu es déjà ugly enough et ça te rendre super-malade malade malade !💊🦠 On s’en calisse le Corona virus !

Ça, c’est fucké, je m’en calisse Maxime Bernier !! Vas chier, Maxime, c’est pas possible comment que t’es cave !! Esti d’épais à marde !!!!

It’s the Chinese people! Calisse des Chinois Tabarnak !!

The CHINESE PEOPLE sent this virus on purpose AND they’re buying ALL THE CONDOS!
Nice to see you, too, buddy, have a great day!!

Ça, c’est fucké !!

[Precautions do not apply to Alberta, where Jason Kenney will be doing a laying on of hands.

[Esti d’épais à marde !!!! On s’en calisse Alberta !!!]


EMERGENCY ANNOUNCEMENT: URGENT

IGNORE, repeat, ignore the pleading of Alberta Premier Jason Kenney!

Jason is on TWITTER begging Ottawa for Federal hand-outs to help Alberta out of their financial and health crises — caused by their charging no sales tax, having a flat rate income tax, firing doctors and nurses and privatizing medical care — except for women’s health care which they’ve canceled entirely — and refusing to develop green energy alternatives because — they’ve got ALL THAT OIL AND GAS.

Lucky old Alberta, eh?

In fact, they’re so independent and so fracking sick to the top of their oil rigs with Ottawa being BOSSY, and so overflowing with OIL AND GAS dollars, why, they might just pack up and LEAVE!

So we know Jason’s kidding! We’ve figured it out! It was a test to see if Ottawa has been paying attention!

After all, Albertans don’t need our help — they’ve got ALL THAT OIL AND GAS, right? Jason, you’re funnier than saliva droplets in a malfunctioning street car! Well played! You nearly had us, you ol’ kidder, you!

IGNORE JASON KENNEY!

REPEAT: IGNORE JASON KENNEY!


SPECIAL WORK ACCOMMODATION
for Tim Hortons employees,
from the Prime Minister’s Office:

HEY, “Baristas!” Feeling under the weather and socially responsible? The best thing you could do for your fellow Canadians — well, I was going to say, stop serving Tim Hortons coffee, but that’s not really an option — is staying home when you’re sick.

And as Liberals we understand your concerns, like not getting paid for your sick time. Yeah, well. Life is hard, buckaroos! Maybe you shoulda thought of that before you left —

Ahem. Before you left your union job at General Motors and chose this minimum wage job instead.

And because we understood your concerns yesterday, and this is today, we also understand the concerns of franchise holders that workers are just a necessary burden pending the arrival of droids, but in the meantime you spend your shifts stealing extra bathroom breaks, scarfing down Timbits and generally doing everything you can to run things into the ground out of sheer spite after they’ve been good enough to give you employment.

Well, never fear — we’ve got your backs and, as usual, we’ll please everybody! In order to reassure MANAGEMENT that YOU’RE REALLY SICK and not just being a lazy-assed minimum wage slave, please obtain a doctor’s note, then 

—go into work and VOMIT ON YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Make mine a “Triple-triple Venti”! Did I get that right? Who says I don’t represent all Canadians!

— The Rt. Hon. Chrystia Freeland
Ministress of, gosh, well — Everything!!


Meanwhile, on Twitter, Introverts Finally Speak Out,
Just Really, Really Softly.

Hi, I’m Noah, spokes-sociopath for the International Introverts Association (IIA). I bet you didn’t realize there was an IIA, did you? Which isn’t surprising! We’re WAY too shy to tell you!

Anyway, we realized, independently of course, that the world was on tenterhooks (we read the dictionary a LOT!!) wondering how introverts were doing during this pandemic.

First, be it known that we’re really deserving of this attention which we’ll accept with a self-deprecating giggle! And we’d like to put your minds at rest. We know what it’s like to stay up all night worrying about something, like, whether or not introverts are getting the attention we deserve.

Well, drum roll, except not, that would be WAY too noisy! We’re doing just great! Because we stay at home all the time anyway, so it’s like, this pandemic is just specially tailored for, you know, introverts.

Excuse me while I make another cup of Herby-Time Tea, which is like, my substitute for a special friend, which I’m way too shy to make!

Mmmm, that’s delicious! As I was saying, even though people are dying by the thousands, we know that what’s really important in the big scheme of things is that your mind is at ease about whether introverts are having any problems. And — we’re not! It’s, like, perfect!

We’ll just stay in like we always do, breathing our own, solitary air and thinking about our own, solitary selves and not really concerning ourselves with mean old extrovert stuff like thinking about other people or old people or sick people!

Well, I hope you’re feeling less worried about us now! Thanks for asking, which was, like, WAY intrusive of you, but we coped, barely.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to change, which I do in my closet, for a virtual meeting of the International Insensitive Sociopathic Assholes Society, or “I-IS-ASS,” as we special introverts call it.

Thanks for not dropping By-EEEEEEE!


People’s Democratic Republic of Trumpezuela

Hmmmm… Must buy cases and cases of TOILET PAPER at WALMART in case I get PNEUMONIA and subsequent DIARRHEA of the FACE. And speaking of face, FACE MASKS because Asians always wear them and they should know! Asians are smart!

Unless they’re MUSLIM ASIANS! Is that even a thing??!! Is this Black Friday? I bet MUSLIMS are DANCING WITH JOY!!

C’mon SHEEPLE! It’s just a few SENIORS who died in Seattle. I’M not going to get sick and die. SHEEPLE are so dumb to panic!

I mean it’s not like I could have the virus and pass it on! I’m not MEXICAN!!

Damn, now I have to USE some of the toilet paper! That reminds me: MUST BUY MORE toilet paper by the case. WALMART’s ALWAYS OPEN cause their workers come in even when they’re SICK. Unlike Chinese Communist workers who are probably FORCED by their government to come in because otherwise they might not get paid!

Excuse me. Are you coming out of the BATHROOM soon? It’s nothing! Just a mild case of the STOMACH FLU! I should probably go swimming at the “Y” later!

Let me take this time perched on the toilet chatting with INCELS to FINESSE my new conspiracy theory that JOE BIDEN in cahoots with NORTH KOREA sent this WUHAN COMMUNIST VIRUS to the Ukrainian ambassador to deliberately undermine the stock market! Stupid COMMIES!

No wonder I can’t GET LAID!

I’M BORED. That must mean — it’s all a HOAX!! I’m going to LICK THE DOORKNOB of the bathroom door then scratch that pimple on my face! Couldn’t wash my hands, there was no soap, OK? Some panicky sheeple bought all the hand sanitizer!

That’s better! Hungry now. How about a BAG of POTATO CHIPS? Help yourself! Everybody dig in! FINGER-LICKIN’ GOOD! Can I lick YOUR fingers?

Want some SALSA and cheetos??!! Let’s have FONDUE!!

Next time I see Trump on TV — I’m gonna LICK THE TV!

Stay home from work? Are you nuts? I had to remortgage my home twice since last year — Kaiser Permanente prescribed me those children’s Aspirin again! And then there was MY WIFE’s DIABETES and we couldn’t afford the insulin but luckily she DIED!

Plus, Donald and Mike and Mitch and the Senate just revoked “getting paid to work”! Only SOCIALISTS expect HANDOUTS OF MONEY to work and anyway Donald was starting to think we didn’t work hard because we love him, we were just working for the WAGES!

What kind of SICKO would hurt the PRESIDENT like that — !!?

Hey, Grandma, wanna see my POWER COUGH??? Put your face RIGHT UP TO MINE, that’s perfect. ONE, TWO, THREE….. BRRRRAAAAXXCHCHCH! Sorry about the saliva! HA HA!

Hey, Donald and Mike and Mitch say the numbers are UP and they’re DOWN and it’s a PANDEMIC which means it’s just like the flu and you should STAY AT HOME and GO TO WORK.

It’s, like, an emergency but it’s not a serious emergency, but except it is! Isn’t! Wear MASKS but DON’T WEAR MASKS!

There’s plenty of tests just ask nicely there’s no tests stop panicking there’s LOTS OF TESTS AND LOTS OF MASKS! Thanks, CHINA!

How is Jack Wu, like, even a REAL NAME???!! RIGHT!!???

Now they say they’re gonna upgrade the pandemic to Level ORANGE is that like MORE OR LESS SERIOUS than RED? It’s more AND less serious!

And wait a minute — now they’re saying North Korea’s launched a missile attack AND there’s an impending asteroid collision!

Missile attack?!?!? Asteroid collision???!!! HOLY SHIT!!! MUST BUY MORE — TOILET PAPER…!

Whaddaya mean, GRANDMA — WTF???!!! WHEN DID SHE —

I just saw her two weeks ago and she was FINE!!!???

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Trudeau Liberals Implement Electoral Reform By Announcing Imaginary PR Voting Outcomes

+PLUS+ Alberta seeks alternative to “elite, east-rising sun that doesn’t represent our values.”


“I’m sooo happy for you if it had been fair!”

IN A SURPRISE MOVE THAT HAS LED many disillusioned Canadians to reassess their negative opinions of Justin Trudeau, the re-elected prime minister has finally implemented promised electoral reform by taking every opportunity to emphasize how much better the outcome would have been in a proportional representation (PR) model.

The change of heart was prompted by the knowledge that the Conservative Party had received approximately 250,000 more actual votes than the Liberals; however, in Canada’s dreaded, disenfranchising, first-past-the-post system, it’s constituency seats, not votes, that constitute the final tally.

Chrystia Freeland, newly-minted Deputy PM, and managing a specially-created portfolio as Minister of Intergovernmental Relations Which Would Already Be Fine if it Weren’t for Alberta, announced the long-awaited restructuring at a press conference just a couple of weeks after the Liberals formed a minority government.

“The Liberals officially won the most seats and a clear mandate to once again give Canadians that comfortable familiarity they crave: A Person Named Trudeau forging ahead doing the opposite of whatever he promised, or just dropping everything like a hot potato and getting mired in obscure bureaucratic or procedural scandals that no one can figure out and that, frankly, aren’t even remotely exciting,” Freeland explained.

“Today I’m also very pleased to point out that, in a proportional representation model, the Conservatives would have formed the government. Yes, that’s according to the actual popular vote, and boy, are we ever happy for them!”

She continued, “I know that I speak for Justin Trudeau and all the other members of Cabinet when I extend our sincere congratulations to Andrew Scheer and the Conservatives for their thrilling victory had the circumstances been fair and democratic. Way to go, Andy!

“As for the official Elections Canada win that wasn’t really a win, well—what can I say! Phew! Close one! It is what it is!”

The New Democratic Party Leader, Jagmeet Singh also weighed in on the results.

“I’m absolutely over the moon that, under a system that would actually have made people believe it was worth getting out of bed to participate, we would have doubled our seats to fifty-four instead of losing some of the seats we already had!” he said to roars of delight from his supporters.

“Obviously my strategy of seeing what the other dudes’ policies were and then Tweeting that we darn well hoped they were actually going to put those policies into practice—or not put them into practice, depending—or else, worked. Or sometimes the alternative strategy of just re-Tweeting what they said with a “yes siree!” or a “no way!”, which is my preference for the days when I’m just too stressed out to handle this political shit.

“I’m sooooo happy for us if the system were an accurate reflection of the wishes of Canadian citizens and not just a frustrating waste of valuable time that you could have spent on Facebook complaining! Awesome work, team!!”

Former Green Party Leader Elizabeth May, who resigned after the Greens’ dismal showing at the polls added, “I’m in shock! Though it didn’t actually happen because of our outdated, irrelevant voting model, the thought that we could have had twenty-two seats instead of three is just… Well, I’m humbled”.

Choking back tears of joy, she added, “These imaginary alternative results have vindicated my firm belief that, even if the candidate were a one-legged armadillo, somebody, somewhere will vote for it, as long as you use the word “green”.

“In this fantasy I also don’t resign as party leader, instead I’m simply added to the “endangered species” Red List. Then I travel back in time to be crowned Prom Queen, my parents can afford dental appointments, and all of Canada is vegan and off drugs ‘cold turkey,’ no pun intended.

“The Greens: Your Life Will Become Unmanageable,” “Just Say No to Global Partying” and “Oh, Yeah, Climate Change, Whatever” were obviously great slogans that totally resonated with voters—in a system that wouldn’t make you feel like your vote was just flushed down the toilet, except that’s not the system we have.”

However, there was one new non-existent result that should give regular Canadian centrist voters pause. Maxime Bernier’s right-wing People’s Party of Canada (PPC), which based its nationalist platform on anti-immigrant sentiment, would have made gains in the new, “this is just to rub your nose in it, not-in-our-lifetimes” PR system, from zero seats to six.

Moderates vastly preferred the actual current result, where the PPC and its leader don’t exist.

When asked for comment, Bernier replied,

« Ploof! That crazy Thunberg girl is responsible. Socialists! Anti-business climate alarmists! Too much government! Over-spending! Immigrant quotas! Just look at her burqa! Enough is enough! Ça c’est fucké, heins ? »

Then Mr Bernier and all his supporters climbed into a Volkswagen van and drove away.


There is disillusionment In alberta post election, as well as the feeling, common to privileged teenagers, that no one cares or understands and that life is meaningless.

Here’s why: Alberta for decades has relied heavily on limitless, highly-priced oil and gas sales to fund their provincial programs.

Most recently, Trudeau sucked up to the petulant province by agreeing to move forward with the Keystone XXL Pipeline, even though this seemed to undercut his own federally-mandated carbon tax, his commitment to the Paris Accord, his returning all his empties to The Beer Store, and any other green initiatives he might think up on the spur of the moment while setting the trash cans outside Rideau Cottage.

But those ornery Albertans were having none of it.

“Trudeau thinks he can soften us up by giving us just one measly environmentally disastrous and insensitive-to-indigenous-culture oil pipeline so we can continue to prop up the world-wide petroleum vector of waste, greed, global warming and corruption, but we see right through his insincere kow-towing!” said Ginger Spill, Head of Communications for the Oil & Gas ♥ You So Much! Club, an industry-sympathetic think tank.

“Trudeau knows very well that he simply can’t continue to fob us off with his Ottawa condescension and half-way measures. We want nothing less than total capitulation to our demand that Canada officially renounce carbon reduction efforts, based as they are on the random opinions of a few thousand gas-hating fake scientists. Our soon-to-be-obsolete jobs are at stake, here!”

In fact, Alberta has become so angry at perceived slights from Ottawa that separatist sentiment is at an all-time high, with the province threatening to “repatriate” social services and even migrate its Canada Pension Plan to be administered locally.

Ms. Spill continued, “We don’t need the rest of Canada! We have oil and gas, which will keep us living high on the hog well into the next couple of years! We’re thinking oil and gas burgers, oil and gas high schools, oil and gas country & western radio stations, oil and gas internet, and oil and gas traditional marriages!

“You know what else? We’re sick of you guys shining that bright light on us every morning! We don’t need some elite eastern sunrise, making our eyes hurt and mocking our values, telling us when you think it’s OK to get up, when it’s appropriate to have a shot of corn mash whiskey, or encouraging the gays to sing “You are the Sunshine of My Life” at their gay weddings!

“Screw your leftie, socialist propaganda about taking our hard-earned money and giving it all way to other people and your green-this and green-that boondoggle! We’re gonna stick it to Turdeau and his band of bureaucratic, job-killing Libs.

“From now on, every morning, per our schedule, Jason Kenney will stand at the top of the Calgary Tower, pull down his waders, bend over and spread his butt cheeks. He can do it ass-east, ass-west, ass-north or ass-south ’cause we’re sick of being Mister Nice Guy Co-operative! Whatever comes outta his ass and from wherever is all the sunshine we’ll ever need!

“Now we just gotta work out how to manage the moon at night.”

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