Humor

Commercial Break: David plugs himself with a poll, suitable for all ages.

PRE-ORDER MY E-BOOK!

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Pre-order my e-book for only $10 and start 2018 dyspeptically right!

Yes, friends, the e-book of the blog is coming February 1st, 2018, and you have the option of pre-ordering NOW.  You luckybitches!

This will 1. Show me how much you care; 2. Help with the print edition (the cover of which is shown here) 3. Get YOU a reduced price special edition of the paperback when it rolls out Spring 2018.

{The print book will be available on (fingers crossed) Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other fine booksellers who have the taste and discernment to recognize my comic genius, or who at the very least are subject to the bribery/extortion/kidnapping-while-in-possession-of-an-old-rusty-refrigerator-that-still-has-its-door-attached-a-picture- of-their-kids-and-a-ticket-to-Niagara-Falls spectrum of behavior.

Inbound marketing, in other words. I hope this makes sense.}

My publication is in the form of a Pillow Book.

Yes, siree, a Pillow Book! The first, most famous Pillow Book (a kind of diary filled with aphorisms, clever stories and pungent commentaries on social life) was written by Sei Shōnagon during her time as court lady to Empress Consort Teishi during the 990s and early 1000s in Heian Japan. I’m kind of embarrassed to remind you of something so “common-knowledge”! Go on, roll your eyes, I deserve it!

Well, anyway, as many of my friends spend virtually all their waking hours in court, the similarities between Sei Shōnagon and me simply couldn’t be more obvious! I’m always thrilled to carry on a tradition!

I was also macrobiotic for a while, which basically means you eat Japanese food wherever you live and pretend that that’s better for you.  And I’m a trained and certified shiatsu therapist, which is a traditional Japanese type of energy massage.

Holy Rice Balls!  I’d better stop before I have to fire myself for being over-qualified!!!

Just don’t get the idea that my book has anything to do with Japan.  It doesn’t.  Not in the slightest. In fact, this blurb has more info to do with Japan than my entire e-book, which is to say, any content at all about Japan.  OK?  Moving along.

(No offense, but—are you always this high-maintenance?)

Both the print and the e-book will contain new, rejigged and painstakingly fluffed versions of your favorite posts from the past four years, and, with no good deed going unpunished, exclusive new content just for YOU!

This is you: “Oh, stop! Oh, STOP, the dyspeptic humor is just so—! Oh, my RIBS—!”

You’ll also get a checkout code entitling you to 30% OFF any item in my Snatsch ‘n Foofer online store, valid until 2019.

Look, just do it, OK?

» Here’s the link, if you didn’t work out you could actually click on the book cover image above.

A rather long poll

While we’re at it, take the poll (see above) and give me FREE advice!

Happy New Year to all my friends and followers – you’ve truly made 2017 bearable.  Let’s hang out more in 2018.

Love,

David

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From My Squalid Kitchen: Episode 2

“Let them eat cake.  In bed.  While gossiping.”

 

You didn’t ask for it, and here it is! Episode 2 of the series that’s making a big splash!

If you spend, like, a lot of time in a wading pool with your inflatable shark and a Collector’s Edition “Aqua Diver Barbie”.

You’ll see me tussle with a Tassimo, sorry, Bosch, coffee pod maker thingamajig, learn the secrets of buying pastries instead of baking them yourself, and get some insight into the tormented mind of a gadget lover. As well, you’ll hear me get really nervous when Doug starts spouting off about BLM, at which point I try to shut him down by doing a really bad Caribbean accent, so now I’m afraid to leave the house.

It’s not a lot of fun being a white, gay, male liberal. Nope. Me and fun just take a gander at each other, sniff and cross to the opposite side of the street. Which means we’re both on the same side again.

Just watch the friggin’ video. Sheesh.

After All I’ve Done For You— ! (a.k.a. Shameless Self-Promotion)

Look into my eyes. Sink back, back,

back into your chair.

But not so far back that you fall out of the chair onto that straggly-looking cyclamen your grandkids brought you six months ago and that you keep “forgetting” to water, and have to lie there helpless on those freezing-cold tiles for eight hours with your day-time-casual hospital gown all hiked up around your waist as you watch the cleaning staff come in, point at you and laugh.

You know, like last time.  Just a little bit far back, OK?

OK.

Now look into my eyes and hear my voice. Feel the soft—honestly rather pervily-sensual— squish of your filled-to-the-brim adult diaper. Oopsies!  Press the big red button to call for help from the nursing station—except they’ve all gone to smoke crack in the utility closet, and you know, can I just say, honestly. This is how socialism always ends up.

Or is it capitalism, I always get them confused.

‘Cause no matter if they’re gussied up like Chairman Mao and eating monkey brains with chopsticks—or stuffed into a three-piece suit from Brooks Brothers and scarfing duck confit at Per Se—

—no matter whether those rulers you never voted for are crushing protesters in Tiananmen Square with army tanks—or driving stretch Hummers through Times Square as they toss Planet Earth out the windows like so much used kleenex—

—It’s the very same one percent.

The very same one percent with the very same hairy forearms shoved up the servants’ entrances of the very same bent over, wide-opened ninety-nine percent, just exactly the way it’s been since time immemorial—and pardon my cliché, but I haven’t had my coffee yet.

Well, then.  Let’s set that aside for the moment and just listen to my voice. OK?

OK.

Life is good, here at the Sunset Lodge.  Oh yes. You’ve made a lot of friends.

People you only ever read about until now! You’ve met Napoleon, that li’l ol’ freckle-faced rascal!  Oh, and Liz Taylor stopped by. Always flogging that cheap cologne! Well, it keeps the flies off, you told her with a saucy wink, then you cackled with laughter!

Dear Liz, absolutely love the child to bits, what a poppet, but she is not known for her self-deprecating sense of humor.

You’ve met Bernie Sanders!  Yes siree, our very own trouble-haired Nutty Professor himself, and you’ve stolen his Birkenstocks, because—

Just because.  Tee hee.

But though life is generally good, one or two details could use some improvement. Like those hot roast beef sandwiches. Gravy???!!!  Seriously??! They call it curry, or dipping sauce, or sports drink, but it’s all the same brown, viscous glop.

You’d ring up The Toronto Star about it, but your arms are still a bit stiff from “exercise time”, and since when does exercise always involve a 200-lb filipina-lesbian nursing assistant and a leather strap?

But hey!  Let’s just wrap that up in the Pepto-Bismol-pink cloud of love and send it to live the rest of its natural life with Jesus. Or Mohammed, or whoever.  Just fucking try to listen the fuck to my voice or I’ll really give you something to fucking cry about!! OK?!?

OK.

Now that you’re in a state of full relaxation, here’s what I want you to do.  I want you—or your Power of Attorney, I couldn’t give a fuck which one of you—to open your wallet and take out your credit card.  That’s it, hold it lightly between your thumb and index finger. And you know what’s coming next, don’t you?

I want you to BUY MY PRODUCTS.

OH, YES.  BUY. MY. PRODUCTS.

And whether you’re chasing some extra sympathy by dribbling saliva down your chin, or just hangin’ with your homies while finger-painting with the yolks of your soft-boiled eggs, these witty, wearable Gandhi T-shirts—in baby-bottom-soft cotton—are designed to look great AND start conversations that don’t begin with,”You naughty boy, look what you’ve done!”, just like it was before you threw in the towel and began faking urinary incontinence!  Good times, pops. Good times…


Gandhi Tees are here!

Inspired and bemused by the

plethora of misquotes and wrong attributions online, I’ve retaliated with this first set of non-existent quotes by the famous, infamous and just plain dead. My Gandhi Tees will leave you and your friends feeling enlightened – yet confused.

These heart-stoppingly beautiful tees with my original “quotes” and design are totally up-snappable @ $25  $20 CAD  until July 16th only! Be the first to own one of these sure-to-be classics!  

Three concepts:

 

About your Tee: This updated unisex essential fits like a well-loved favorite, featuring a crew neck, short sleeves and designed with superior combed and ring-spun cotton. Sizes XS – XL.

Each concept is available in white and two additional colors , chosen by me to match its design. Below are just a few examples.

 

Shop the T-shirts »

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Breaking News: Attorney-General Sessions calls diplomats “gossipy”; Democrats accuse Attorney-General of being “not-telling-the-truth-y”; Definition of “recuse” sought by anxious White House staff.

Ms Peggy Wagstaff arrives at the Oval Office for "dictation".

Ms Peggy Wagstaff arrives at the Oval Office for “dictation”.

MARCH 3rd, 2017:

U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions today recused himself

from investigations into possible Russian involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, a surprise move that had White House staff scrambling to find a copy of any dictionary they could lay their hands on.

“At first we were like, did he say excused,” said Peggy Wagstaff, Senior Technical Advisor and Playmate of the Month to President Trump, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“I was like yeah, he totally said excused, and maybe he was just, you know, having another ‘mini’ or something”, continued Ms Wagstaff.

“But then one of the guys said, no it was refused, and where was I brought up, in a barn? and some other choice language.

“But I was like, totally sure it was excused and so were a couple other people, but the guys were like, no refused, moron, and then one of the other guys called me a stupid bimbo and grabbed my — you know.

“Well, that pretty much ended the polite part of the discussion, so we decided to find our “Pictionary” set and see who could draw it better, and then that will be what he said,” explained Ms Wagstaff.

The allegations around Sessions have invited comparisons to “Watergate”, the wiretapping scandal of 1972 that resulted in Nixon’s resignation after he attempted a cover-up, then later admitted knowledge of the events.

In some ways, however, it could be argued that such comparisons are unwarranted. Nixon’s actions in resigning clearly indicated the existence, however vestigial, of some sort of moral sense, and his cover-up, though unsuccessful, demonstrated at least the attempt to deceive the public.

So no worries on either score, and can we please just ease up on the Watergate thing.

Nonetheless, what about the calls for Sessions’ resignation, on the basis of his alleged perjury?

Shortly after Sessions recused himself, we contacted newly-appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos for her insights.

“Re-cused”, she responded, sounding guarded. “Did you say — hold on, can you repeat that? Your voice is breaking up. Are you on speakerphone?”

DeVos continued, “Did you mean accused or maybe reused? You sound like your parents may have scrimped on the school vouchers, honey.”

When pressed to explain, DeVos added, with obvious impatience, “Why drive a Ford when thirty thousand more will get you a Mercedes? Why settle for a tatty old second-hand Hillary when a billion gets you a shiny new Donald? You get what you pay for!

We also made numerous attempts to reach anyone in the Attorney General’s office who’d take the call, but without success. Clarification finally came in the form of an official statement from Sessions himself:

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

FRIENDS, and also colored folks:

I must object in the strongest terms possible to allegations by Al Franken and other anonymous Democratic sources that I discussed election rigging with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak over a simply fantastic luncheon or two.

Sorry, I mean, discussed anything with anyone.

Shit.

jeff-sessionsYou know, it may seem like that’s what I said, but whatever I said just kind of slipped out under pressure, which any patriotic American will know is a key feature of witch-hunts historically, and besides, you must be imagining things.

So that’s why I make this solemn oath to the American people that next time I’m asked anything, I’ll first determine if it requires any form of truth-telling, and if it does, I will speak real slowly so I make sure to get my story straight. You heard it from me, guys: No more “oopsies”!

As for recusing myself, I always thought that was a proofreaders’ error for “refused” or “excused” but my staff tells me there’s a big old definition of recused in our Merriam-Webster dictionary. Well, well.

May I just point out that dictionaries by default share word definitions with everyone, and sharing stuff with everyone is not only gossipy—it is how Communism takes root.

It all starts out innocently enough with definitions for the masses, whether or not they deserve definitions, and the next thing you know everyone’s picking sugar beets in a workers’ collective and singing Shostakovich ‘a capella’.

But fellow Americans, I promise you one thing: by the Grace of God I will not see the Koch brothers’ invaluable time and money tossed out the window for any kind of publication that gives solace to the enemy.

Bless y’all

Jefferson Sessions

~

Kellyanne Conway is still in hiding.

~

Five-minute study reveals: Allowing rich people to launder money, avoid taxes by hiding assets in offshore accounts, while vacuuming up entitlements like they were all-dressed crinkle-cut potato chips, actually ISN’T a great thing after all.

joseph-stiglitz

Willy Arschfecken*, unemployed bricklayer, shares the results of his five-minute study of offshore accounts at the World Economic Summit, Brussels.  Yes, like the sprouts.

Nobel prize winners stunned by presentation; “Who knew?” says Chairman of World  Economic Summit, Brussels.  (Yes, like the sprouts.)

BRUSSELS¹: Unemployed bricklayer Wilhelm “Willy” Arschfecken stunned the World Economic Summit today with the results of his five-minute study of the offshore accounts that the top 1% use to hide their trillions of dollars, in order to avoid paying taxes and other unfair stuff.

To the amazement of everyone, he has turned conventional thinking u pside down and concluded that offshore accounts are not the excellent thing we all thought they were.

“After looking at how much dosh is in these accounts, and then looking at those UNICEF pictures of starving African babies, I thought, you know — maybe rich people should just, like, pay their friggin’ taxes like everyone else,” said Willy, as he unwrapped the waxed paper from a tuna-salad sandwich he’d made earlier in the day.

“Like, here’s my, whaddayacallit, analysis: You got a country with lots of rich people. Say, two or three. The progressives are always getting up in the House or parliament or whatever, complaining that social services are missing, say, a trillion dollars to make them work.

“Then some conservative yells “Socialism” and everyone laughs and goes for a drink. Right?

“Then I thought, wait a minute — what if the rich people actually were hiding, like, a trillion dollars in back taxes? If they paid up, that would solve the problem!

“Am I being, you know, like — simplistic?”

It was apparent from the thoughtful nodding, beard-stroking and shoe-gazing of the attendees that Willy had struck an extremely resonant chord.

 

Tuna : Mayo + crunch factor = economic insight?

“Then I was kinda tired after all those, you know, five minutes of economic analysis, so I made myself a nice tuna-salad sandwich — I’m a big Hellman’s fan, and I always add some “crunch factor”, like, you know, celery, and lots of pepper — and I watched Days of Our Lives. You ever seen that? It’s wicked good!” opined Mr Arschfecken, to the sound of tumultuous applause.

“Anyone want the rest of this sandwich? There’s half a dill pickle, even,” he concluded, before shaking hands with the Chair, waving farewell to the still-cheering audience and being escorted briskly out of the conference chambers.

Then some conservative yelled “Socialism” and everyone laughed and went for a drink.

The World Economic Summit will be awarding Mr Arschfecken a couple of scratch-and-win cards.

“Such a pity, we’re fresh out of Nobel’s,” explained a spokesperson. “But we’d like him to have these.”

Bernie Sanders is very, very old.


¹ Brussels: Yes, like the sprouts. I know,

(Photo Bing-searched and repurposed by:  David DelaRoddis, author of  New York Times Bestseller, “Photography is Friggn’ Hard Unless Of Course You’re Me LOL”).

*Suit supplied by Mr Arschfecken’s ‘friend’, Georg “Lili” Schwanzlange.  Don’t miss Lili in “Ich BIN Lili Marlene, Piss-Königin des Anschluss!” at the KitKat Klub, Hamburg, every Thurs at 11PM. Free disposable raincoat and bottle of Sekt !