conspiracy theories

In Which We Discover That Our Suspicions Were Correct: It Was All a Big Fucking Joke! ++ PLUS++ For Happier Mondays, Think Pink!!

alt-big joke

Sanders at the UN?  Hillary for Prez?  Toss a coin, try some Pizza Bianca Monica and… pull the other one, it’s got bells on!

 

Exclusive Story by Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy, Girl Reportress
“All the news that gives you fits, in print!”™

May 8th, 2017
WASHINGTON / NEW YORK—

The world is heaving a sigh and chortling itself sick

as it absorbs the events of the past few days, during which it was accidentally revealed that the whole “Trump thing”  was exactly as most people had suspected—an elaborate joke of vast proportions.

As the scope of the scampy subterfuge unfolds, it’s apparent that absolutely everyone was in on it, starting of course, with Trump himself.  It was The Donald, that li’l ol’ freckle-faced rascal, who burst the bubble with one of his quasi-adorable slips.

Speaking to Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull,  Trump opined:

Right now, Obamacare is failing. I shouldn’t say this to our great gentleman and my friend from Australia, because you have better health care than we do —

Oopsies!!!  And this only moments after the Republican-controlled House voted to dismantle Obamacare, the better-than-nothing sorta-healthcare kinda-system which had brought almost-affordable though short-of-satisfactory protection to millions of America’s uninsured, or so those scallywags had convinced themselves.

The cat was out of the bag, the ball was rolling and who knew if the fun would ever stop as Trump, clearly unable to contain his delight, began—to use a theatrical term—”corpsing”, or breaking down with nervous, uncontrollable laughter: a weirdly appropriate term considering the circumstances.

This quickly triggered his Australian counterpart, who seemed to appreciate the delicious irony—heck, let’s give the man his due—the lunacy to rival the Marx Brothers’ best, of Trump praising single-payer, tax-funded health care.  Pull the other one, it’s got bells on!

” ‘Course it’s all a big joke!” Donald admitted when we called him after his Turnbull photo-op for an explanation. “Oh, my ribs and death panels! Are you guys retarded or what? Lemme – oh god – lemme catch my breath here…!”

He continued, “It’s a joke, just as sure as I’m a Ph.D. Magna Cum Laude in Mediaeval English Literature! And I am! Princeton, Class of ’82!  Would you care to read my ground-breaking dissertation on the uses of proto-feminist iconography in Chaucer?

“The Times Literary Supplement called it a page-turner that not only rivals Moby Dick—it surpasses it on every page in scope and ambition!  Not bad for a poor farm kid from Nebraska, right, Vlad?”

“Da!  Da, baby!”  Even by phone it was unmistakably Vlad Putin, butmellow ?

“Listen,”  Putin continued, “Cuddles now going, yes? I makink fresh blinis and any minute Liza’s comink over, she is then teaching me Fosse neck, jazzing hands and something pikantnye with a chair. This Leessa! She is introducing me always charming homosexuals whom I love every day more!”

Putin a sultry romantic with a newly-awakened taste for well-aged trouser snake and the occasional gay icon?  That bad boy routine was all a big blustering charade after all!

Intrigued as all get-out, we turned next to the redoubtable* Bernie Sanders. We’d already experienced our beloved Nutty Professor on CNN as he turned his signature beet-red and threatened Trump with “holding him” to his comments on healthcare.  What did our trouble-haired also-ran have to say for himself?  Did he realize the scope of the deception?

Sanders confessed, “Yep, it’s true—Hillary, Cuddles and I—oh, Cuddles? That’s what we call Donald—yep, we’ve been planning this little escapade since 1980! We never thought you’d buy that I was presidential material!

“C’mon dudes!  Socks with sandals, dandruff on my corduroy jacket lapels and that vague but persistent urine-y old-guy smell—Seriously?  And talk about age!  Christ Almighty, never mind the nuclear codes, I’m lucky if I make it to next Tuesday!!

“I’m just sorry we didn’t get to do that prank—you know, when I kit up in a Mao suit, address the General Assembly of the United Nations and then halfway through I unwrap a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich because ‘my blood sugar is low’, then lecture them on five-year planning!  Man, I wish I coulda taken a run at that one, just to have seen their faces!”

Wiping the tears of hilarity from his cheeks, he added, “Do you think I’ll be able to get a refund for these Birkenstocks?  The fuckers are killing my feet!  No wonder the Krauts won World War II!”

Our final port of call in our exposé of Washington wacky dust was the Clintons’ palatial estate in upstate New York, where it appeared that an enormous “come bare as you dare party” was winding down.

“Y’all come on in to the Yellow Drawing Room”, said Hillary in her characteristic Arkansas drawl as she opened the front door.  The former Miss World and college-drop-out-made-good, her hair damp and slicked back, her voluptuous curves barely masked by a Martha Stewart bath sheet, waved us in with a welcoming gesture.

“This ol’ cluster-fuck’s been going on since the election”, she said with an endearing giggle as she padded bare-foot across the parquet. “Or rather, the ol’ coin-toss.

“You see”, she explained, “we decided the winner by tossing a quarter, best two-outta-three, and whaddaya know, it was Cuddles!  Then it’s just a question of makin’ sure the press gets sent the right results.  You get mah drift?

“Frankly, I was relieved!  I gotta whole bunch of new pizza franchisees opening next week and I’m workin round the clock on product development —that’s right!  It’s always been mah dream to bake! Y’all try this lil ol’ sample now—”

Clinton held out a plate piled high with various silver-dollar-sized nosh.  I chose one at random—was that mozzarella?—and popped it into my mouth.  “It’s delicious, what’s with the funky smell?”

“Shhhh!  Top Secret!  It’s the Pizza Bianca Monica—all white, but boy does it leave nasty stain on your shirt!  Damn!

“Anyways, what with the tension of keeping this whole surprahz under wraps, we’ve all been a bit frazzled, y’all know how it is. So Billy and I decided to call in a few favors, if you get my drift and just – ”

We were interrupted by the appearance of James Comey and Paul Ryan, both wearing nothing but a light beading of sweat, who without so much as a by-your-leave whisked Clinton away to what they called the “Interactive Discussion Room”, apparently located somewhere in the upper floors –  traditionally forbidden to the press.

“Hey!” Clinton shouted back to us as Ryan and Comey carried her up the celebrated circular staircase. “These boys tell me it’s tahm for mah double-teamin’!  Woo-hoo!!  Hey, y’all know how to shoot me up?  We’ve got just the best crystal in from Palm Springs—and it’s makin’ me me feel sooooo—reckless —!”

Looking crazed and dishevelled, Bill Clinton and his playmate Ivanka—having finished at least the first round of discussions by the fireplace—and chortling fit to bust, scampered up the stairs behind them.

But Hillary – was it possible?- had one more surprise under her bath-sheet.  Bless her ol’ cotton socks!

“You know about Billy?— Whaddaya think honey, shall I break it to them? Shall I?

“Well, y’all finally maht as well know—Billy, he’s mah cousin, right?!  You betcha!  Old Arkansas tradition!!”   And with a final guffaw, they were gone, leaving us standing speechless in the foyer.

Laugh?  Laugh??!!

We nearly died.

~

With reporting from Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy, girl journalist.

— AP / Reuters  ©2017

UP NEXT: “Barry” Obama takes up smoking.  That li’l ol’ freckle-faced rascal.


And speaking of Helen Keller,

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

pink

But especially:

To the women everywhere–

Banish the black! burn the blue ! and bury the beige! – from now on ….

Think Pink!
Think Pink when you shop for summer clothes –

Think Pink!
Think Pink when you want that “quelque chose”!

The redoubtable* Kay Thompson, who oughta be inducted into the Homo Hall of Fame as an honorary gay man, was Judy Garland’s vocal coach, which tells you a lot, and, when not flailing her arms about while talking and calling it “cabaret singing”, also wrote a series of children’s books called “Eloïse”, about a little girl who lives at the Plaza Hotel in New York.

Yep, the Plaza Hotel. From these humble beginnings, Eloïse sallies forth to have Pirate Adventures, among others, though we must forever regret that Thompson shuffled off this mortal coil before updating us with “Eloïse Gets Shtupped While Unconscious At Studio 54″.

The opening musical number of Funny Face, “Think Pink”, features Ms Thompson, plus her swirly-skirted minions—who for reasons never explained speak in unison, like borg—and a virtual steam room’s worth of  butch-dancin’, Bronx-talkin’ “we’re not gay, no way!!” male dancers dressed in overalls.

Please, I beg you, before watching, turn out the lights, put down your Bayeux tapestry restoration work and resolve to give this gem your full attention. For this is not just another musical number, oh no.

This is one of the supreme camp moments in cinema. It is the Sistine Chapel ceiling, it is the Cellini “Perseus Holding the Severed Head of Medusa” of camp.  Often imitated, usually by me around 3AM when I think everyone’s left, but rarely equalled

except by the crack-addled ad minions of the late Eatons department store who, in their desperation for another ball of hard, not to mention their jobs, churned out an eye-popping parody, “Aubergine”, a paean to the Pantone© spot color used in the soon-to-be-dead-as-a-beaver-tail Eatons branding.

And I have the dinner plates to prove it.

Kay-lounging

Kay Thompson, casually, you know. Lounging. On her bed. The way we all do.


*redoubtable:  If anyone is aware of the meaning of this word, which just kinda sounded good at the time, please contact the News Desk. —G.-J. “R.” M.

Advertisements

Breaking News: Attorney-General Sessions calls diplomats “gossipy”; Democrats accuse Attorney-General of being “not-telling-the-truth-y”; Definition of “recuse” sought by anxious White House staff.

MARCH 3rd, 2017:

U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions today recused himself from investigations into possible Russian involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, a surprise move that had White House staff scrambling to find a copy of any dictionary they could lay their hands on.

“At first we were like, did he say excused,” said Peggy Wagstaff, Senior Technical Advisor and Playmate of the Month to President Trump, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“I was like yeah, he totally said excused, and maybe he was just, you know, having another ‘mini’ or something”, continued Ms Wagstaff.

oval office.png

Peggy Wagstaff, Senior Technical Advisor and White House Playmate of the Month, arrives for “dictation”.

“But then one of the guys said, no it was refused, and where was I brought up, in a barn? and some other choice language.

“But I was like, totally sure it was excused and so were a couple other people, but the guys were like, no refused, moron, and then one of the other guys called me a stupid bimbo and grabbed my — you know.

“Well, that pretty much ended the polite part of the discussion, so we decided to find our “Pictionary” set and see who could draw it better, and then that will be what he said,” explained Ms Wagstaff.

The allegations around Sessions have invited comparisons to “Watergate”, the wiretapping scandal of 1972 that resulted in Nixon’s resignation after he attempted a cover-up, then later admitted knowledge of the events.

In some ways, however, it could be argued that such comparisons are unwarranted. Nixon’s actions in resigning clearly indicated the existence, however vestigial, of some sort of moral sense, and his cover-up, though unsuccessful, demonstrated at least the attempt to deceive the public.

So no worries on either score, and can we please just ease up on the Watergate thing.

Nonetheless, what about the calls for Sessions’ resignation, as he is clearly guilty of perjury?

Shortly after Sessions recused himself, we contacted newly-appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos for her insights.

“Re-cused”, she responded, sounding guarded. “Did you say — hold on, can you repeat that? Your voice is breaking up. Are you on speakerphone?”

DeVos continued, “Did you mean accused or maybe reused? You sound like your parents may have scrimped on the school vouchers, honey.”

When pressed to explain, DeVos added, with obvious impatience, “Why drive a Ford when thirty thousand more will get you a Mercedes? Why settle for a tatty old second-hand Hillary when a billion gets you a shiny new Donald? You get what you pay for, yada yada.”

We also made numerous attempts to reach anyone in the Attorney General’s office who’d take the call, but without success. Clarification finally came in the form of an official statement from Sessions himself:

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

FRIENDS, and also colored folks:

I must object in the strongest terms possible to allegations by Al Franken and other anonymous Democratic sources that I discussed election rigging with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak over a simply fantastic luncheon or two.

Sorry, I mean, discussed anything with anyone.

Shit.

You know, it may seem like that’s what I said, but whatever I said just kind of slipped out under pressure, which any patriotic American will know is a key feature of witch-hunts historically, and besides, you must be imagining things.

So that’s why I make this solemn oath to the American people that next time I’m asked anything, I’ll first determine if it requires any form of truth-telling, and if it does, I will speak real slowly so I make sure to get my story straight. You heard it from me, guys: No more “oopsies”!

As for recusing myself, I always thought that was a proofreaders’ error for “refused” or “excused” but my staff tells me there’s a big old definition of recused in our Merriam-Webster dictionary. Well, well.

May I just point out that dictionaries by default share word definitions with everyone, and sharing stuff with everyone is not only gossipy—it is how Communism takes root.

It all starts out innocently enough with definitions for the masses, whether or not they deserve definitions, and the next thing you know everyone’s picking sugar beets in a workers’ collective and singing Shostakovich ‘a capella’.

But fellow Americans, I promise you one thing: by the Grace of God I will not see the Koch brothers’ invaluable time and money tossed out the window for any kind of publication that gives solace to the enemy.

Bless y’all

Jefferson Sessions

~

Kellyanne Conway is still in hiding.

~

Wednesday WaWa: An offering from AuntyMeme(TM), and can I just say…

aintitgrand

… you know, it boggles my substance-addled,

Swiss-cheese-resembling remaining chunk of gummy, wet brain to realize that we can simulate a moon-landing so convincingly, give all mankind the illusion that the Earth is round, create a fake fossil record out of a secret underground facility in Oregon AND uncover through painstaking minutes of reading the National Enquirer that it was “The Jews” who trashed the Twin Towers—

—(they’re behind everything, you see, and I tell ya, a guy does gasp at the chutzpah with which they managed to pull it off, PLUS have enough spare time left over to co-ordinate six million of their Jeezus-shtupping brethren to fake all those Holocaust death camps—genug schon already, guys!—

—and can I just say, if any of you reading this should, god forbid, bang your goyisher kuhp on a Daniel Goldstein or a Manny Lipschitz or some similar gozlin as they aim for the CN Tower while strapped into a small aircraft, can you get His Mensch-iness to verify that “The Jews” own all the media, then ask him to please please please get me American Netflix?  Thanks, I mean, “shalom” )—

—but apparently we just can’t figure out how to engineer a content management system so that I can get the special character for “trademark” to appear in the title of a BLOG POST!!!

Fuck the Twin Tower slammers, alter cockers every one.  For this WordPress incompetence, I blame “The Muslims”.

Yessiree, those li’l freckle-faced rascals!

It must be The Terrorist Towel-Headed Islamo-Tards who have infiltrated and now surely form the greater part of the WordPress Special Blog-Title Standing Committee on No-Superscripts-For-You-ooh.

Totally!

As a bonus, choosing a new, fresh-off-the-life-raft scapegoat now and then adds a little diversification, not to mention “sparkle”, to a guy’s portfolio of blatant, self-serving racism.  It’s win-win, but with both “wins” for me, and if that ain’t the Chicago School of Economics, what is?

So, In’sha’Allah, babywhich means “if God is willing”, and all I can say to that is:

Yep, HE sure is willing when you think of Beethoven; but
Nope, HE sure is super-retarded not willing when you think of cancer.

Let’s just agree HE’s more willing than the average Allah, except, in fact, most of the time, and not push our luck.

You know, and just for the record—I don’t blame “The Muslims” because it’s true.  I blame “The Muslims” because it’s trendy.

OK, taking a deep breath now and shaking all my feathers so that they fluff and whirr and rustle into place as I blink myopically at something totally different on either side of my head.

~

You may be wondering.

Well, it’s countdown to eviction here at my basement in the sky,  and I know it’s affecting me because Will, the tall, broad-shouldered, horse-dicked, fuck-yer-brains-out-gorgeous yet regrettably psychotic homeless person to whom I offered a couple of free meals (successfully) plus my ass (unsuccessfully) the other day, barged in, locked himself in my bathroom so he could scream at an invisible enemy in private, then came out of the bathroom and said,

Did you dye your hair?  It looks lighter.

Which non sequitur, admittedly a bit “L’Oréal” for someone who lives in a drain pipe, made me realize that I’d gone grey, like the protagonist in “Descent Into The Maelstrom” by Edgar Allan Poe.  And I can barely stop myself from quipping, “That was no maelstrom, that was my life!”.

(It’s also sobering to think that a guy who’s so crazy he thinks he’s god and I’m a shape-shifting demon still isn’t koo-koo enough to take advantage of me, even bribed with a blue-plate special and a free subway token.  Coming soon to a psychiatric ward near you: Me, dressed like Napoleon and doused with Glade Room Freshener as I attempt to speed-date.)

What do you do when you’ve got 48 hours to dredge up another $200 towards January’s rent, yes, that January, the one that’s over, and—because one has learned the hard way that dealing with two catastrophically, crazy-making-ly impossible financial demands at once doesn’t win you points for “multi-tasking”—you haven’t even started thinking about how you’ll manage February’s?

Since you asked:

You invoke your inner AuntieMeme™, you fire up Phototard and you create an inspirational artwork with just enough bitterness to keep it Adult Entertainment;

You take the tattered net of desperation down to the Sea of Disaster and dredge for oysters; but you keep the shells for yourself and pitch the pearls of wisdom at your sneering audience;

You turn on the headlights so you can aim straight off the cliff with no swerving.

Then— you make Kraft Dinner. With hot dogs, hold the broccoli.

 

picture-of-me-32

!!! SHOCKING EXCLUSIVE: Hillary and Obama responsible for absolutely everything! Yes, THAT everything! Unbelievable!!?

I’ve been lax in my coverage of the

greatest, raunchiest, smelliest, most-filled-with-animals, free-because-they-haven’t-figured-out-a-way-to-charge-for-it-yet three-ring circus, the Amurcan elections.  I admit it.

But that is about to change, with these exclusive scoops of bullshit-flavored frozen petroleum-based dessert-truthiness from SlowPainful’s tireless, probe-’em-till-it-hurts AND born-again freelance reporter, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy—who today is making her lesbian-journalistic debut with slowpainful!  Let’s hear a nice round of applause for Glossolalia-Jeezus!

Hello?

Did I ever mention, and were you in attendance for,  the bit about never, never forgetting how good I am to you?  Like not even for one second, that measurement assuming that we stay within the current Newtonian  paradigm?   Did I?  Hmmmm?

And now, without further ado, our…

EXCLUSIVE:
LAST-MINUTE ELECTION SHOCKER!!

With reporting by born-again journalist-on-the-go and erstwhile lesbianic messiah, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy.

satanicplanecrash

HITLERY CLONE HORROR AND HUSSEIN IN FLAMES:  Near-tragic forced landing of the TERRORIST firebombed American Airlines aircraft at O’Hare, with unbelievable laughter from the Hitlery lesbo clones. TOP RIGHT:  the Satanic face of you-know-who in the clouds! This is so unbelievable than anything else ever seen!  Or since!

CHICAGO:-   A terrified, yet still-confused, yet ultimately still-confident,  yet mostly still-obese, but when push comes to shove, ultimately, terrified, America is reeling after our publication of this Photoshopped image, exclusive to Slowpainful.com, of cloned Muslim terrorist Hitlerrat Clitsnot and her Kenyan lackey Barfass Obumbanga, depicted here at Chicago O’Hare just after their horrendous fabricated firebombing of an American Airlines jet.

How do people like this eat their in-flight dinners with a clean conscience???!!  Or sleep at night?????!!!

As per typical, the Serial Killery clones are dressed in communist pantsuits in homosexuality rainbow colours, and are laughing their feminazi heads off, while that un-American NRA-hater and enemy of decent white male unemployed patriots Badatheist Oreomuslim manifests as he always does: in a cloud of black, Satanic smoke positively billowing out of any disaster you could name!!!!!??? 

LATEST ATTEMPTED GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER?  YOU BE THE JUDGE?!!

FACT:  Dozens of  Killery clones are coming!  THEY ARE BEING SEEDED AMONG US disguised as cheery lesbian day-care workers, auto mechanics and dog walkers! Anywhere that a pantsuit can pass unremarked upon!

IT GET’S BETTER!  OR WOR’SE!  Look closely at the Hitlery’s seen on top of that aircraft!

FACT: THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IS ACTUALLY NOT HER CLONE!

The FBI has hinted to me that this mysterious Islamotard-clothed person is one of soon-to-be-on-death-row President Barfly O’Bambivegan‘s hundred-thousand Satanist pedophile day care workers!

FACT:  Those libtards told you they had a literacy program, but it was a front! Unbelievable!!

THOSE FILTHY SATANISTS JUST SCRAMBLED THE PROGRAM NAME!! 

And you won’t believe your ears when I rearrange the words to crack the code and reveal IT’S TRUE, PEDO IDENTITY:

NO CHILD’S BEHIND LEFT!!

Americans, have you HAD ENOUGH yet?

coppertone-ad

Literacy program my ass!!

Enuff of these female body parts and un-patriotic skin colors??

These are not just Traitor’s and Libtard’s who should be locked up!

NO IT GET’S WOR’SE!!  OR BETTER!!?

Exclusive intelligence has been uncovered by us that Shillery and Barflack Obirthcertificateislam are

RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!!
Yes, my friends, “THAT” everything!

You know, the everything that’s every last fuckin’ thing from the Garden of Eden to now!

That’s six thousand years, guys, and I know, it’s hard for Jesus to get my poor sinner’s brain around that mind-boggling amount of socialist shenaniganizing!

BUT IT’S JUST SO ABSOLUTELY CROSS OF CALVARY ON MY HEART TRUE!

UNBELIEVABLE!!
HOW DO THEY SLEEP WITH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT??!!

FACT:  That snivelling fasci-fem Histamine Crinklecutpotatochipmussoliniton is giving the planet a headache!  In more ways than one!

Seems there’s a PING sound emanating from the normal hum of the arctic, like this:

HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm! HmmmmPING!hmmmmmmmPING!hmmmmm!

Sounds just like her, don’t it?  Yep, sounds like friggin’ socialist hippy Yogatards everywhere.

And it’s not even very catchy!!
WHAT A LOSER-TARD!

Now get this, that socialist north of the border radio program the CBC – oh GAG ME! =  Communist Bunch Of Crapslingers!  LMAO !!  – has suggested that this is related to oil fracking!

Fuckin retard’s!

FACT:  Fracking produces as much as one whole quart of oil per month, plenty to do your freedom fries in as far as I can reckon.

FACT: The Prairie Stinkwort, the state flower of Minneapolis, NEEDs fracking water to thrive, you scumbag flowertards!

FACT:  Hellbully has been seen many, many times heading north on one of those Feminazi motor scooters!

YOU CAN’T FOOL US, Hellarhoid! We can put two and two together!!

HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DINNER AT NIGHT????!!!

FACT:  Hippietard hired a triangle player from the New York Philharmonic and paid him $500,000 out of YOUR hard-earned taxes, just to hang out in a Russian submarine and make that PING! sound once every couple hours!!

Now there’s a fine use of your stolen money!!  Howdya like your Communism now, libtards!??

That’s right, a Russian sub at the North Pole, with sex-starved and perverted Russian sailors so if her good friend Vladimir is anything to go by she’s not only a commie she’s a SHAMELESS TERROR SLUT AS WELL!

FACT:   Speaking on condition of anonymity, we have evidence of an ongoing secret initiative for brainwashing citizens with electroshock therapy delivered through NPR broadcasts that makes them vote for foreigners, like our former Saudi Arabian dictator, Kenyan Bareass Oreobumslam!!

But wor’st:   They also suck the real American right out of his skin, then fill him up with French or black or chinese people, OR – you guessed it!  More people like HighOnDrugs Clapscrewed!

HOW DO THESE FEMI-NAZI-TARD’S EAT THEIR SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER??  AT DINNER NIGHTS!!??

FACT:  Your washing machine broke down on the same day your mom died. COINCIDENCE???  Tell THAT to your typical layabout welfaretard or some Obamacare freeloader on a death panel!??

FACT:  You’ve been suffering from psoriasis AND fungal infections in your toenails, not to mention your toy poodle has been crapping on the carpet again and last week he bit your cousin while she tried to turn your son into a homo!  Already he likes wearing dresses what’ll happen when he’s two????!!!

FACT:  Homos can now get married in some states, of which I am heartedly ashamed, BUT I TELL YA VERILY THEY WILL NEVER GET MARRIED IN THE STATE OF GRACE, AMEN, cause marriage is between ONE man and at least ONE frail, weak woman.  WOMAN, NOT HARLOT!!

God will smite you into dust, Harlotry Callgirlwhoreton!!?

FACT: The world used to be flat, when Jeezus was still walking amongst us with his band of Merry Men!  Yessir, His name was just like mine!  Now, its going all round and such, like when you inflate that exercise ball and who the hell knows what’ll happen next, thanks to you, HorribleJewKillery Christabortionton!?? 

Maybe it’ll go square and those new deck chairs from Wayfair are gonna fall right off inta hell!  You killed my Christ you Hillretardtheist!!!!!

obama-bestialityFACT:  Check out this picture on the left!  I know!! UNBELIEVEABLE!!!???  Barbarian Oscumsuckertard legalized Bestiality in the Military!  It’s right on Facebook!

So now you got your Dobermans getting shtupped by the colonels, Great Danes by the generals, and so forth, right down to Chihuahuas for the new recruits, which I guess makes sense cause they’re smaller and otherwise how would those poor little privates, what’s the word, “artificially insensitate” them?  That’s what I reckon and it sure is a sad, sad day for our boys!!

And you know what el’se?  You better believe they’re gonna take away our wives and give all of US dogs too, once the homos finish their agenda!

That’s right!!  Thanks for making everyone homo, Hillfucktard Clitlicker!

If that’s not ENUFF PROOF FOR YOU:  

WORLD WAR II, the Depression, the Titanic, the Plague, 9/11, solar flares, that chick who broke your ribs last Black Friday, North Korea, Charles Manson, that lump that just isn’t going away, the Killing Fields, AIDS, your two miscarriages, the fake moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, the moment you still regret when you told your kids to go jump in the lake and the retarded dumbass fuckers went ahead ‘n did it?

IT’S ALL FUCKIN HILLARY!!!

Please please please stop this woman
!!!!Stop her!!!!!!
Until something else unexplained goes wrong!!

EXECUTIONS PLANNED FOR
HURLONMY CUNTLINT
AND
BRAWACKER OBUMANALHOMO!!

GET YER GLOCKS AND UR COCKS REDDY AMURRICA !

ITS GONNA BE A WONDIRFUL, GOD-LUVIN’ JESUS-FUCKIN DAY!!!!!!!

HALLA

LUYA

ζ