Suitably Deranged

Trump voters aren’t “morons.” Just white. THANK MINERVA, GODDESS OF DISAPPOINTMENT and flaked tuna in broth, that things have settled up here in the blazing hot frozen north. Justin has closed down Parliament, delegated the shame to Bill Morneau, and appointed his bestie, like, FOREVERRRRR, Chrystia Freeland, to fill the post of Finance Ministress. Deputy,Continue reading “Suitably Deranged”

Everything Depends on This

the madness, mayhem and magic of Peter Bogdanovich’s 1972 tour-de-farce “What’s Up, Doc?” Just watched one of my favorite movies, “What’s Up, Doc?” This classy bit of pastiche from 1972 stars Barbra Streisand and Ryan O’Neal and is a pitch-perfect homage by Peter Bogdanovich to the genre of Screwball Comedy, and specifically “Bringing Up Baby,”Continue reading “Everything Depends on This”

Equivalent Amounts of Effort

Why are we doing this when we could be doing—that? BEHOLD THE ADEPT! HE WHO HAS mastered the ancient art of milk pouring while spinning on a stool. And I know what you’re thinking: Must. Have. Exquisite. Milk-Spinning Stool. NOW! Never mind the lockdown, there’s no need to leave home! You can be an armchairContinue reading “Equivalent Amounts of Effort”

Whatever Shall We Do About Justin?

You need to know that Trudeauphobia has its roots in the fear and loathing of straight males who are closing in for the kill. A clarification MOST OF US, HAVING SEEN Sophie-Grégoire and Justin Trudeau caught in a candid moment gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes, or photogenically romping around with their three children; orContinue reading “Whatever Shall We Do About Justin?”

Ballad of the Good Shepherd Sandwich (NSFW)

The plastic sandwich bag from the shelter was helpfully labelled “God loves you. Ham and Cheese.” I took it from there… into a realm of pure, puerile, polymorphous perverse filth, so, like, NSFW. Or anywhere, really. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. MY PAPPA HAD A SAYIN’ That seemed to help him copeNo matter heContinue reading “Ballad of the Good Shepherd Sandwich (NSFW)”

It’s Official: I Am a Horrible Person

Hey, it’s you guys who insisted on thinking of me as “nice.” SOMETHING HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIT sixty, or, to make this as painfully specific as possible, the last couple of months of sixty-four-ness. That’s right. On September 21st, 2020, I will officially be sixty-five years old. And what happens is me, unmoored. I’ve cutContinue reading “It’s Official: I Am a Horrible Person”

A Rosetta Stone of Racism

Here is the Urtext; some keys to the puzzle. IN 1799, IF MY MEMORY SERVES me correctly, a regular, ordinary soldier, who, along with four hundred and ninety-nine other ordinary soldiers,was helping Napoleon annoy the Egyptians as much as he would soon annoy Beethoven— —in five years’ time Ludwig van B, in an excess ofContinue reading “A Rosetta Stone of Racism”

COVID-19 Pandemic and Racism Endemic Have Fucked the Funny Out of Me

Save me from myself, please! As I descend into a possibly terminal state of Toxic Earnestness Hello. My Name is David and I’m—earnest. Thanks, David! booms the twelve-step Greek chorus. I’m an earnest, virtue-signalling piece of old jute carpet woven by cheerful, appreciative, highly-skilled and adequately-paid native workers in a tropical paradise that hasn’t beenContinue reading “COVID-19 Pandemic and Racism Endemic Have Fucked the Funny Out of Me”

No Health in Us

What white people talk about when they talk about racism… … We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us … —from the order for Morning Prayer, Book of Common Prayer, 1662Continue reading “No Health in Us”

Psychopaths with Translucent Skulls

Experiencing what lies beneath the new normal TODAY, MAY 26TH, 2020—AND I’M sorry to be insensitive, but, pandemic notwithstanding—today is a gorgeous summer day in Toronto, a day when the natural world, intoxicated, pushes itself to extremes of display. Heat vibrates over the sidewalks, tulips stand shriveled in their dried-out beds like saints burned atContinue reading “Psychopaths with Translucent Skulls”