<BEGIN TRANSCRIPT> Hey Americans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoa!! ~ Sorry, guys! I understand that the newbie who was put in charge of the super-dooper-universal-ultra-bass-subwoofer-doohickey thing forgot to adjust the levels, which is why every window on the planet just blew out. It’s when you want to make a good first impression, right? Always the way! I mean, is … Continue reading The Shekel Drops: Transcript of God’s remarks at the Extraordinary General Meeting with America, March 8th, 2017.
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An interlude of self-reflection, introspection and bullshit detection.+PLUS+ Alternative titles
Got a mysterious message on Facebook: I appreciate the sentiment, but I've had too many people leave before their time, so ... I'll pass. This was a Facebook "friend", in the version that is a complete stranger, spurning some advance I didn't recall making. Question marks floating around my head, a kind of agnostic's halo, … Continue reading An interlude of self-reflection, introspection and bullshit detection.+PLUS+ Alternative titles
Narcissism is the sincerest form of flattery
Been trying to think up compelling reasons to convince you— "browbeat" and "force" were my other options, and you'd better believe they're waiting in the wings, honey—to purchase AuntieMemes™ from my online store. You know. Sketchy Photoshop composites, consisting of fractured, fabricated quotes squeezed with heroic efforts from the flat, crinkled tube of my brain like half-dried Colgate, … Continue reading Narcissism is the sincerest form of flattery
My First Contest!
SEND ME YOUR TOPICS FOR BLOG POSTS AND I WILL REWARD YOU IN THE AFTER-LIFE WITH SEVEN NAKED VIRGINS. GAWD, YOU'RE EASY. “Suggestion Whores” Contest* VISION: Sitting around all day doing nothing and getting paid for it. This blog is rapidly approaching 100 posts, at which point I'm going to collect my best pieces from the blog … Continue reading My First Contest!
Just getting up from the Ditch of Despond and climbing back onto the Carousel of Crazy: An overview
Hello, many of you have written to ask if I'm OK. Actually, that's a blatant lie, not a single one of you has written, sent a message in an old Shiraz bottle, hired a bird from "Carrier Pigeons Plus" or done any of those "too busy to express how little I care but spending a portion … Continue reading Just getting up from the Ditch of Despond and climbing back onto the Carousel of Crazy: An overview
In which I announce, nay, celebrate, the timely death of Phyllis Schlafly.
Birthing the conserva-tard, 1977 Someone, maybe it was even you, shoved aside the granite Do Not Disturb sign that secures the rock I live under—think boulder at the entrance to Christ's tomb, but without the angel—and threw what felt like a dense sheaf of cheap, snow-sodden paper right in my face. I'm Canadian, so I shouted, … Continue reading In which I announce, nay, celebrate, the timely death of Phyllis Schlafly.
From my meme factory, hot and fresh to you.
You may be wondering. And don't shoot the messenger, agreed? Cause this is when the little birdy told me: David. Sit down and listen up. Read my lips. I mean upper and lower beak. Posts can be short. Remember SHORT? I didn't think so. And visual. Vis-u-al. After all, not every millennial can read and it is … Continue reading From my meme factory, hot and fresh to you.
Sharing Is Wrong but Shower Caps are Wronger -PLUS- How I took a barely noticed Facebook rebellion and parlayed it into an almost completely ignored WordPress blog in only 28 months.
Welcome back, all three of you. I know this to be so, because there was a spike in my stats - by the way, I go all red when I talk like that - and when your status quo is flatlining, you can get a little over-excited about that thin, vertical blip that seems to trumpet "finally getting … Continue reading Sharing Is Wrong but Shower Caps are Wronger -PLUS- How I took a barely noticed Facebook rebellion and parlayed it into an almost completely ignored WordPress blog in only 28 months.
Five-minute study reveals: Allowing rich people to launder money, avoid taxes by hiding assets in offshore accounts, while vacuuming up entitlements like they were all-dressed crinkle-cut potato chips, actually ISN’T a great thing after all.
Willy Arschfecken*, unemployed bricklayer, shares the results of his five-minute study of offshore accounts at the World Economic Summit, Brussels. Yes, like the sprouts. Nobel prize winners stunned by presentation; "Who knew?" says Chairman of World Economic Summit, Brussels. (Yes, like the sprouts.) BRUSSELS¹: Unemployed bricklayer Wilhelm “Willy” Arschfecken stunned the World Economic Summit today … Continue reading Five-minute study reveals: Allowing rich people to launder money, avoid taxes by hiding assets in offshore accounts, while vacuuming up entitlements like they were all-dressed crinkle-cut potato chips, actually ISN’T a great thing after all.
Breaking news: Americans are even BIGGER dumb-ass motherfuckin’ retards than anyone thought!
October 26, 2049 TRUMPINGTON, D.C.: The world is reeling today after results of the largest IQ test in history reveal what many of us had long suspected: Americans are so bag-of-rocks dumb, you could pour a case of vodka down their throats and they'd STILL wonder “why people called their mom 'crack ho' when she'd never … Continue reading Breaking news: Americans are even BIGGER dumb-ass motherfuckin’ retards than anyone thought!