For God’s Sake, Don’t Look in Your Stocking

Twenty-twenty has been just one ginormous lump of coal Remember when you were a kid, you used to get The Christmas Talk? Be a good girl, a nice boy, or Santa will put a lump of coal in your stocking. And you just rolled your eyes. A lump of coal! What kind of child-abusing scumbagContinue reading “For God’s Sake, Don’t Look in Your Stocking”

Most of the Time I Slap It

Comedy, safely sandboxed, gives us permission to think the unthinkable, say the unsayable. Another in a series about my favorite classic movies. SOME LIKE IT HOT Release date: Mar. 29, 1959 (United States)Director: Billy WilderGross revenue: 194,900 USDScreenwriters: Billy Wilder · I.A.L. DiamondAwards: Academy Awards (1) · Golden Globe Awards (3) · British Academy FilmContinue reading “Most of the Time I Slap It”

Because It Feels So Good When You Stop

nothing like expecting the world to thank you because you’ve decided you’re not after all going to continue drowning us in the tub, then slit your wrists. Justin Trudeau was the first world leader who President-Elect Biden spoke to. Justin and Biden. This means we’ve traveled back in time to that gold-misted Camelot of 2008Continue reading “Because It Feels So Good When You Stop”

Being Thankful is SUCH a Bitch

PLUS: Come back to daddy Yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving, which always takes place on the second Monday in October. I can hear everyone tittering condescendingly about our sad, off-kilter and irrelevant Canadian habits and how we’re just so obviously and sycophantically trying to be American, like little brother checking his pee-pee, then peeking at bigContinue reading “Being Thankful is SUCH a Bitch”

“Maksim Gorky Pretends to be a Dom at the Bathhouse”

A serious(ly gay) interlude. After a few sleepless nights of quasi-Christian prayer (I cherry pick all the heart-warming bits and the foodie miracles and leave out the whole crucifixion-resurrection boondoggle; anything icky like leprosy; the Book of Revelation; everything by Saint Paul, and Satan, so like, sleepover, ‘Smores for two, paint our toenails red andContinue reading ““Maksim Gorky Pretends to be a Dom at the Bathhouse””

From My Squalid Kitchen

I am the anti-chef Many of you have been clamoring for my old episodes of “From My Squalid Kitchen,” my cooking series that takes poverty and obscurity and serves them up ungarnished on a chipped plated. With “LOVE.” Gag me with an egg beater that’s been left in the sink for two weeks! Actually, no.Continue reading “From My Squalid Kitchen”

United Corona States of America

behind every great man… The White House, just before the putsch “Hey Mel. Mel? Yeah, vhat? Mel? Is that you? I can’t hear too good on this baby intercom thing. What? What was that? Jeezus. Couldn’t you just, I dunno. Uber me, like, over to the Hilton? Donald. Dahlink. Is four in morning. Is itContinue reading “United Corona States of America”

Useless Knowledge

countess × (x²) ≤ a father’s love ÷ empty days in a stately home, where x = ∬ {the latest hat from Paris} Introduction In her final work, “Dark Age Ahead,” the great Jane Jacobs lamented the rise of what she called “credentialing vs. education.” In this model a university degree is now considered necessaryContinue reading “Useless Knowledge”

A brief chocolatey interlude

while I try not to fret about everything falling apart like a wet cardboard box. Facebook Life Event: Inventor of the Two-Bite Brownie Multiple Oh, Yeah It came to me in a gush of warm, velvety creaminess that enveloped my face. It was //NOT ENOUGH// to enjoy an entire pack of Two-Bite Brownies //OR// anContinue reading “A brief chocolatey interlude”

Skipping Rhymes for Gen-Z, #2

Forget the Plague, the next gen has to process less-predictable horrors HERE I AM, STILL UNDERCOVER at the Acme Prep School, disguising myself with chocolate milk moustaches, playing with Dinky Toys at recess and praying the Grade Ones to Eights don’t notice. The things I do for this blog! If I have to choke downContinue reading “Skipping Rhymes for Gen-Z, #2”