As the endless summer stretches out before me like a million patients etherized upon a million tables — in those private clinics that Doug Ford swears are not the beginning of the end of public health care in Ontario — I realize with horror that I don’t have enough entertainment to keep me going until September. Not … Continue reading Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Doug-Days of Summer
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#Monday Man Crush: The Risen Christ
#Best of my blog Don't let the bastards grind you down, little ghost-buddy-in-the-sky! Inside the gloomy sepulchre, sometime around unto the third hour on Easter Sunday, Jesus squinted at his day planner — which didn’t even say “Easter Sunday,” heads were gonna roll over that little slip-up — and sighed with frustration. Three days in this stupid … Continue reading #Monday Man Crush: The Risen Christ
Refugees Are Delicious!
... and other life hacks for the end times I wish we could screenshare right now, because I’m experiencing an iconic Canadian moment. Specifically, I’m eating some chicken wings that flew up to Roxham Road to claim refugee status — but were refused asylum, then referred to me. These delicate situations don’t just work themselves out, right? … Continue reading Refugees Are Delicious!
So You Wanna Be—Somebody?
Just get more specific, Murgatroyd McGraw. All my life I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin as "Chrissy" in "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" (© Jane Wagner, 1986) It has come to my attention that a huge proportion of … Continue reading So You Wanna Be—Somebody?
John Tory’s Heart is “Broken”
Just dim the lights on your way out, dude. Working like a Trojan — I wonder, does that mean one of the soldiers from ancient Troy? The celebrated horse? Or the prophylactic? I can never decide — pulling together the latest collection of my writing, and even though it’s really a simple task of deciding on my best, funniest … Continue reading John Tory’s Heart is “Broken”
Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented
Luxuriate in elegance and start many a meal-time exchange of value by using our Whether you choose Gourmet Sticks ending with Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowls— Gourmet Sticks With Long Flat Holdy Bits And A Sharp Side— or Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs— our Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings frame your plate, … Continue reading Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented
#Thought For The Day
Introduction Something of mine is getting longer, just not the thing I smear rhinoceros-horn cream on every day after taking a warm shower like it says in the instructions. That sucks. And I'm too embarrassed to call up Royal Bank of Canada and tell them that someone unknown to me—who must have gotten drunk, then … Continue reading #Thought For The Day
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Matt and Brenda Make a Sincere Effort to Understand the Conservative Party of Canada’s Problem with Justin Trudeau While Brenda Makes Butter Tarts
(they ultimately FAIL.) Hi Brenda! Do you want to hear what the Conservative Party of Canada is mad about TODAY? Hi Matt! I do want to hear that! Sure as hockey pucks I do! Hold on, let me just stick this batch of butter tarts in the oven, then lick the mixing bowl! I just … Continue reading Matt and Brenda Make a Sincere Effort to Understand the Conservative Party of Canada’s Problem with Justin Trudeau While Brenda Makes Butter Tarts
Secret Santa, Still Stuck On the 401 Westbound
PLUS: #MondayManCrush year-end special It's the most wonderful time of year, and I want to make extra sure I've addressed everyone's concerns, neuroses and conspiracy theories, because I really, really want you to get just what you asked for. (Or, as expressed by H.L. Mencken: “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what … Continue reading Secret Santa, Still Stuck On the 401 Westbound