A Teaser

I’ve updated my David: A Boy And His Blog page with the Preface to my book — so a little free preview for you.  Enjoy!

July 1st (so tomorrow, Sunday) is Canada Day. Eighteen sixty-seven minus 2018 equals we are 151 years old this year.

Proclamation_Canadian_ConfederationOn July 1st, 1867, The British North America Act was given Royal Assent, creating the Dominion of Canada.  July 1st is when we celebrate, and the creation of Canada is called Confederation.

From Wikipedia, “The Encyclopedia You Write Yourself”:

“Initially, on 1 July 1867, there were four provinces in confederation as “One dominion under the name of Canada”: Canada West (former Upper Canada, now Ontario), Canada East (former Lower Canada, now Quebec), Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick.[9]

“Title to the Northwest Territories was transferred by the Hudson’s Bay Company in 1870 and the province of Manitoba (the first to be established by the Parliament of Canada) was in the same year the first created out of it. British Columbia joined confederation in 1871, followed by Prince Edward Island in 1873. The Yukon Territory was created by Parliament in 1898, followed by Alberta and Saskatchewan in 1905.

“The Dominion of Newfoundland, Britain’s oldest colony in the Americas, joined Canada as a province in 1949. Nunavut was created in 1999.”

We didn’t have our own flag until 1965— you can read about the history of the National Flag of Canada here.  We didn’t even have our own Constitution until 1982. But now we’re all grown up, wear fly-front pants, and eat with a Beatrix Potter training spoon with only the occasional dribble that needs wiping off our chins.  Can a black eye from Donald, the Presidential Apprentice, The Great Mouth Breather, be far behind?

Oh, consider that black eye RECEIVED, baby.  In exchange, here’s a sharp kick in the testicular region.  You’re welcome. Go ahead, come at us again. We like surprising people.

I love my American friends, and New York and San Francisco are two of my absolute fave cities.  But right now, I couldn’t be more grateful to be Canadian.  Donald vs. Justin?  I know who has the chest I’d rather lick the post-jogging sweat off.

Yes, I am shallow.  Hellooooooo!

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My new, NEW cover

web-version-Full-sized coverNEW2

 

My new new cover. I got such good input about the new cover from two people that I ditched that cover and came up with this.

The picture is by LA-based photographer Joshua Coleman, and I think it adds some important information for the viewer:  The suggestion, through its rainbow array, that this is an LGBT-themed work, without bashing you over the head with it; and the butterflies symbolize frivolity as well as transformation.  It balances out what could seem like a forbidding title by giving it the necessary tongue-in-cheek: “Hey, don’t take the slow painful thing too literally, we’re going to have fun, here.”

 

Vote on a new cover!

August 8th update.

Looking at these images now, I’m partly impressed, partly disturbed. This concept is really kind of — odd.

I was definitely going for something subversive here, and the smiley face on the human body comes off as more than a little wacko.  I still kinda like it, especially how the smiley face is looking up at the title.

But you know, really what it boils down to is:  If I can’t be on the cover of my own book, I’m sure as fuckity fuck not putting Josh Coleman, my unwitting photographer from Unsplash, on the cover.

Especially because he’s younger and way more hot than me.  Yes I am immature, spiteful and really—kind of a bitch.

I mean, someone call the Globe and Mail, already!


Original post:

Just to keep things interesting, I am completely reworking the cover design.  I have three versions which all have exactly the same elements but each of these draws attention in different ways and tells a slightly different “story”.

Here they are.  Tell me in the comments which one you prefer, and why.  I’d love to hear your views and reasoning. Click on the images to view full size and navigate through.

By the way, I am using a bigger font size for the title, and will use three lines instead of two.  I realize it’s not optimum for readability as presented here.  For font geeks, my display fonts are Rockwell Extra Bold and Lucida Handwriting; and the book text proper is set in Garamond.

My thought process, yes, there was one, behind this cover:

I realized I had to take “me” a little bit out of the equation.  I sat myself down and explained to myself that, since no one actually knows of me, present gracious company excluded, no one is going to exclaim, “Oh, how ripping!  A paperback plastered with images of David Roddis, and we KNOW how excellent his work is!  Let’s buy it without even knowing what’s inside!  In fact, give me fifty copies so I can distribute it throughout my network of the recently-released criminally insane!  Ta ever so!”

No, I don’t see that happening, and besides all of the criminally insane are already hanging out with me.  Mr One-Step-Ahead, as usual!

Anyway, I got a little sulky as I explained this to me, which made explainer-me rather lose patience.  This resulted in a long, drawn-out kicking and screaming fit by explained-me, which I simply ignored, as Dr. Benjamin Spock would have recommended, and, in fact, I ended up putting me on a “time out”.  Once I’d calmed down and accepted, however reluctantly, and with a LOT of fake sniffling and whining, that everything isn’t about me, 24/7, I allowed myself out of the bedroom and rewarded myself with a Peak Freen biscuit, the one with the gelatinous, red centre, and some No Name Earl Grey.

However, I will say that, when I find out who is responsible for everything not being about me 24/7, there is going to be, hoo boy, a conversation.  Lemme tell ya.  Yeppir.

 

Does my big gay ass look fat in these jeans? Think before you answer. (By the way, this is “clickbait”.)

AT A GLANCE: Get a FREE full-length electronic copy of my book in exchange for posting your review online.


Hey fans! I need people to review my book, which curiously enough is entitled, “A Slow, Painful Death Would Be Too Good For You (and Other Observations):  A Pillow Book For Dyspeptics”.

As a writer whose name is not yet on everyone’s lips — and trust me, once I find out who slipped up on the everyone’s-lips thing, there is going to be a “conversation” — I need these reviews to encourage others to buy. In the end, they’re like testimonials, if you think about it.

<crickets>

My book, as you probably know by now, is a collection of (mostly) humorous personal essays ranging in length from 2 pages to 10 pages at the most lengthy. All told in my inimitable, sarcky, splenetic, dyspeptic, silly, and downright irrelevant voice. Some of them started out on this blog in embryonic form, but do not think that this is merely a lazy re-purposing of my blog!  They are entirely rewritten and reworked to the point of being brand new, never -before seen.

Imagine that my essays are like George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life”, and it’s that scene where he finds out what the world would have been like without him.  You would be, as it were, his mother who doesn’t recognize him when he comes calling.  Except you wouldn’t slam the door.

And full disclosure, I’ve just invited Kim Kardashian to plead my case with Trump, so he should pardon me and give me sweet, sweet release from my lifetime sentence of having to get up in the morning and do stuff.

But until she gets back from Trader Joe’s, I’m clawing at the walls, like a medieval anchorite who thought, “Mother Superior told me this is going to be killer publicity for the convent! And they’ll never let me go through with it!  I reckon two days, tops!”

So I still need people to review my book.

Why you should stop being so high-maintenance and just do this:

  1. My book is perfect reading for summer, especially if you keep falling asleep at the beach and dropping “Moby Dick” on your face. Or winter, if you’re in Australia. But, be you antipodean or just regular-podean, you can dip into it at your leisure, because it’s not a straight read-through kind of book. It’s little chapters which are short, funny, satirical and above all pithy, and when I say pithy I mean just filled to the cotton-pickin’ brim with pith.
    So like, pick it up, just absolutely thrash about in the mad pithiness of it all; chortle; shake your head with an affectionate but bemused expression of, “That David! He’s just such a li’l ol’ freckle faced rascal!,” put down again.

    I mean, god forfend that you should have to actually finish anything.  Break a diamond-studded nail implant!

  2. Also, if I were giving you a copy of the paperback, which I’m not, it would, in that purely hypothetical situation, look great next to the john.

    This is assuming that your john is indoors, made of porcelain by American Standard and has an environmentally-conscious flush that emits a scant teaspoon of water, so you have to either push repeatedly on the button, thereby completely negating the environmentally conscious intent, or just cut way way down on the fibre supplements.

  3. Or —  and this selling point could actually pertain to our situation — you could even read the PDF version in the bath, on your handheld device.

    And if it falls into the soapy hot water, oh, well, it falls into the soapy hot water. It’s always just two weeks away from the next Apple OS update with redesigned chargers, so you’re overdue for a new whatever-it was-before-you-drowned-it-like-an-adorable-but-unwanted-kitten at any rate, so no big deal.

What I need from you:

(Just so we’re on the same page here, when I say, “need”, I mean need like Kim needs a weekly “Brazilian”.  Like, seriously need.)

Regarding the content of your review: Let’s be perfectly clear. I want you to give your honest, real opinion. This is quite different from the content I would like you to give if the question was, for example, “Does my big gay ass look fat in these jeans?”

So what I’m asking for today is quite different from the usual situation, where your honest, real opinion is less important than, say, utterly pandering to my need for constant validation so that you hopefully avoid triggering a total narcissistic breakdown, with me crying and gasping that nothing ever goes right for me.

So that’s not what I want, at least on this occasion.

N.B. Please do not misunderstand and stop utterly pandering to me the rest of the time. It’s just for the book review.

Let’s be clear:  I want you to write in your own voice, with integrity and honesty, and give your truthful opinion as you would for any kind of product or app review.

So, to continue with your brief: Read the book or dip into as much as you like of it. Go to three or four sites that I’ll provide to you and post your short review (100 words or so).

No, I absolutely do NOT want to read the review first, BUT —

— don’t be a shmuck and post a review hating my book, OK?  Please. If you hate my book, say nothing.  Or just tone down your schadenfreude until you only vaguely dislike my book.

Or, here’s a review you can use if you hate my book:

“This book was absolutely incredible!  And the humor!  OMFG!  I didn’t know writing like this was possible! Left me speechless!”

It’s just an example, OK?

What you’ll get:

  • an electronic copy of the book for free. (PDF OR e-book format, whichever you prefer).
  • My gratitude.

Please do not say, “Is that it?“, then shake your MacBook Air repeatedly trying to get the gratitude to fall out, thinking that it’s maybe gotten stuck in the corners.  Gratitude is an intangible reward.

If it’s tchotschkes you’re wanting, you should buy some Cracker Jack, maybe!  Sheesh!

Please comment below to volunteer or message me. Seriously.

We have PAPERBACK! + REVIEW offer

smallFINALPAPERBACKCOVER-22769060_cover (1)

My cover design for the paperback version

Sorry to SHOUT BUT I’M REALLY EXCITED!  Oh, fuck I started SHOUTING AGAIN BUT I CAN’T HELP IT!

Really, really sorry about my lack of control.  But it’s not every day that you PUBLISH A PAPERBACK !!!.  Oh, god.  This is really embarrassing.  Just try to bear with me as I tell you a little bit more about MY PAPERBACK WHICH IS NOW ON SALE!!!!.

<awkward>

This is what my friend Shaun Proulx, life-transforming guru extraordinaire and architect of the #ThoughtRevolution, tells me is a “soft launch”.  Well, I’m going to take his word for it, as what he doesn’t know about gorgeously shameless self-promotion and roll-off-a-log success wouldn’t fit on the smallest, fiddley-ist hors d’oeuvre Martha Stewart could stamp out with her heirloom cookie cutter.

In fact, he’s been cheekily dubbed “The Gay #Oprah”; word has it that Ms O’s acolytes occasionally forget themselves and refer to their bossatrix as “The Big, Black, Obscenely Rich and Heterosexual Shaun Proulx, Except Shaun Doesn’t ‘Balloon'”, which earns them a great, big, corrective “love tap” from the CEO.  I can picture her now as she hauls back and, with a follow-through like a Wimbledon champ, cracks the back of that jewel-encrusted hand across each penitent face while screaming, “This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me!  KIDDING!!”

The book is for sale on Lulu.com, who are the gentle and helpful publishing midwives to this elderly primo gravido.  Once I’ve approved the physical copy, it will be sent for possible distribution on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other so KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!  I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Sheesh.

May only, get 20% off. Click on the cover image above to go to my product page on Lulu.com and to purchase.

REVIEW OFFER

If you’ll go onto Lulu.com and write a review, I’ll send you a PDF of the paperback final version, free of charge.  Shoot me an email at david@davidroddis.com with subject line:  Paperback review offer and I’ll get it off to you within a day or two.

~