Science, including Pseudo

Can You Spot All Eight TrumpTicks On This Muffin? CDC Creeps Out Internet With Horrific Viral Post!

trumptick

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have tweeted a photo of a muffin that has ruined muffins for everybody.

Trumpticks, with their tiny minds and even twinier hwands, can totally spoil your day should you accidentally ingest some of their toxic ideas, which have been described as “completely indigestible”.

The merest nibble on a half-baked Trumptick can cause Alzheimer’s-like confusion, inability to deal with progress and a compulsion to spew out any old dumb, offensive nonsense the second it occurs to you.  Advanced symptoms include pulling weird faces while standing in front of a lectern, shrinkage of the brain to pin size, and lopsided hair that takes on a repellent, orangey sheen.  Pretty soon you’re running to your kids’ school with guns for all the teachers, compulsively pressing elevator buttons and phoning out for Korean barbecue with “the nuclear option”.

If you see a Trumptick that’s latched onto you, DO NOT SQUEEZE ITS HEAD, which is empty anyway, and kind of a gross out.  Take a big pair of tweezers and pull slowly while chanting, “This is how to make America great again”.  It’s a lot easier than you think.

Once you’ve done that, just call Nancy Pelosi.  She can’t help, but, you know.

She’d appreciate the attention.

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Canadian newspaper columnist expresses opinion, totally discredits Harvard race-bias research.

BREAKING NEWS:

Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente

has dealt a shocking blow to a decades-long research effort at Harvard University by coming up with an opinion that is totally opposite to the team’s findings.

“The research said that people have an unconscious bias based on racial characteristics,” said Ms Wente while briskly drying herself after her morning shower.

“But even before I skimmed the article I had my doubts.  Something about this so-called scientific, peer-reviewed liberal claptrap just didn’t jibe – like, systemic racism?  C’mon guys!

“I immediately plunged into some intensive research by interviewing our mail boy – he’s a darkie by the way – so much for this myth of hiring discrimination!  And just as well,  I mean if that kid was out on the streets, you’d be kissing that fancy car of yours goodbye, let me tell ya!

“So the next morning I took my usual shower and came up with the opinion that this Harvard research doesn’t matter, even though it’s true!  I’m just not buying it!”

Wente suddenly dropped her scholarly tone.  “Hey, have you seen my new ‘Rainforest‘ showerhead from Canadian Tire?” she beamed, with obvious pride. “Even though I don’t think rainforests are anything special!

Opinion Margaret Wente Do unconscious biases really make us behave in racist ways

Margaret Wente:  Opinions and rat’s nests fresh from the shower.

“In fact, in my opinion, we should totally stop doing anything about rainforests! You know something, that just occurred to me!”

Continued Ms Wente, “Also, it’s occurred to me that I have to do something about this rat’s nest of a hairstyle! Sheesh, will you take a look at this fiasco?”

Ms Wente explained that her shower-opinion-flashes began decades ago, during high school:

“One day, while having a shower after gym, I had this flash, and suddenly my opinion was that the whole hair stylists thing was a scam,” confided Ms Wente, “so I started cutting my own, then slapping on a little Brylcreem. But just between the two of us, it’s not working for me this morning.”

But how does Ms Wente handle the issue of credibility?

“Are you kidding?” replied Ms Wente, who seemed unfazed by the challenge. “I mean, have a gander!  The hair style, the dorky eyeglasses, the saggy blouse—I look like a gunny sack full of galoshes!

“So if I say ‘I’m not buying it’, I’m backed up by this whole proto-lesbian thing. I mean, if I look as scary as this and people still don’t get that my opinions are right, well—Houston!  We have a problem!”

We spoke next to Dr. Eberhard Faber, the Harvard research team leader.

“We’ve been undergoing intensive suicide intervention counseling down here,” said a barely-audible Dr Faber, his voice shaking with emotion.

“It’s just been devastating. I mean, some people have dedicated their entire lives to this work, and then, to just wake up one day and find out that Margaret isn’t buying it— ”

Dr Faber took a moment to catch his breath. “It’s like our worst nightmare. Sorry, it’s time for my anti-psychotic.  I have to go.”

Following up with Ms Wente by phone, we asked if she felt any responsibility for the effects her opinions might have caused.

“Frankly, no,” Ms Wente snapped. “I’m a journalist.  My only responsibility is to just get in that shower, have my flash, kit up like Gertrude Stein, and state my opinion. Let the chips fall where they may!”

She added, her voice softening, “Sassoon just refused me an appointment. They said they might be able to wrangle twenty minutes in the chair at “Just Cuts”. This is off the record, right?”

Stephen Harper is “on vacation”.

with reporting from Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy. 

\m/

Young Earth Creationists need to take Cher into account.

Just Occurred To Me #498:

 

cherondinosaurIt’s been common knowledge for years now that people in Kansas don’t believe in evolution and insist the earth is only 6,000 years old – (that’s younger than Cher, if you need a reference – please see conceptualization, above. I know, right??).

This raises serious scientific questions.

Thing is – doesn’t their non-belief in evolution PROVE that there’s no evolution?   Or is it just Kanzanians who did not evolve?

Is there such a thing as selective evolution, you know, evolution just for smart people?

Such a variant of evolution would obviously bypass Kansas completely, if not most of the mainland U.S.A.!  This could explain a lot!

There is, it seems, a huge gap in the fossil record, where – if evolution were true – there should be any number of prominent Kanzanians.  I’m thinking Amelia Earhart, Bob Dole, Arlen Specter, Marlin Fitzwater – of course, this being Kansas, some of their fossils are probably still walking around.  Except Amelia, who, along with fictional character and fellow Kanzanian Dorothy Gale¹, was just kind of embarrassed about the whole Kansas thing and “disappeared”.

Yeah, and her stupid little dog, too. Absolutely.

Anyhoo, all of this hard evidence leads experts in Kanzology to postulate that god, when he, like, created everything all at once, reserved a special lineage for Kansas apart from regular humans.

So god’s schedule was like, for example:  All the lakes, all the mountains, all the meadows, all the squirrels, all the cows, all the dogs, all the trees – then probably a coffee break!  Jeez!  and maybe a light snack like pizza poppers or even a Happy Meal –

THEN – back to work on day two:   All the flowers, all the oceans, all the giraffes, all the insects, all the spiders, all the mushrooms.  And so forth.

Then human beings.  Then Kanzanians.  You get the idea?  Separate.

So Kanzanians are like god’s chosen, unless god was having one of his “moods” or actually just forgot and stuck them in at the end.

You know, and can I just say, seriously.  It’s a conundrum.

Re: The conceptualization, see above, which is just a fancy moniker for, like, a crude Photoshop composite.

As likely as the creationist thing sounds, I have some timing issues, and Cher, see above, is the spanner in the gears.

Honestly.  Take a look at the fake conceptualization.  Can you REALLY picture Cher riding a dinosaur, see above? I mean, I grant you, this is someone who wears her pubes as a red carpet ensemble with her armpit hair as a wrap, so sure, the fashion adds up – but basically the idea is ludicrous!

And secondly, check out her face, once again see above.  Her fake birth certificate, see below, gives a date 8,000 years ago, so her face, see above, would be, like, MUCH more haggard and wrinkled by the time she’d lived those 2,000 years before the formation of the earth! Right?

Like, has this not OCCURRED to anyone before?

And yet another mystery, what did she eat, I ask you, in the frozen wastes of space and time before the almighty got his shit together? Not even a microwave to defrost a Bird’s Eye TV dinner!  Which were probably not even invented yet, so let’s say, Swanson.

OK, whichever TV dinner was around, she could toss it into a quasar, maybe, but the cooking time of one-trillionth of a trillionth of a nanosecond as compared to the conventional oven or microwave methods is tricky to manoeuvre at the best of times, without, you know, the floating-totally-weightless thing which puts the kibosh on getting your bearings with regular space-time coordinates.

And don’t even THINK about if she like, got impatient and leaned over the quasar surface to see if the Salisbury steak was done before the apple crisp.

Holy anomalous mother of christ!  A lifetime of hair abuse up the big ol’ dippity do!  FOOM!

I rest my case.  This is the kind of rigorously scientific fake conceptualization based entirely on made-up data and laughably preposterous biblical hogwash that gets young-earthers where they live.

Which is, like— in Kansas.

“If ah could turn back ti-i-i-i-me….”

~


¹   Dorothy Gale is such a fuckin faggot! – ed.