satire

From My Squalid Kitchen Episode 5: “Constant! Camera! Coffee!”

 

In which I find my apartment ransacked, and my camera stolen. What to do? Alicia de Larrocha soothes me and I share the secrets of the Bodum.

Vimeo rocks

I’ve joined Vimeo as a paid member and now my videos are loading from that site – vastly superior to relying on Facebook.

Here’s the complete series so far:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4 

constant.png

~

I’ll be taking a little break until around the 15th of October, to get my online store all set  up and also to prepare for  my floral photography Open Studio on that date.

 

 

See you in two weeks,

blackNODATE Signature

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REVEALED: My Gliberal Agenda

{Dear besotted fans and friends:  I know you signed up for deliciously wicked blog posts, not the Avon Lady.  I’m just excited about my new merchandise.  I’ll get over it.  And in getting over it, I promise that, in future, information about merchandise and other collectibles will be on a dedicated page. — DR}

Many of you poor stiffs have been

laboring under the delusion that my goal in having this blog is merely to regale you with my shallow, though admittedly depressingly brilliant, thoughts on life, love, how to cook with Kraft Dinner and the best way of disposing of noxious roommates (free insight: just be yourself, honey, and if that fails, there’s bound to be something by Black & Decker).

Well.  I can hardly bear to think of your reaction when I tell you the truth, though I suspect it make be something akin to:

Errp-oops

That’s like, you going all “errr, OOOPS!”

But back to me—thank you sweet JEEZUS —and a footnote on “gliberal”.  This is my portmanteau word for Gay Liberal, and what a relief that “Gayberal” didn’t make the cut. Though I’m sure you can find any number of floppy haired lads called Gayberal at Upper Canada College, named that way by their twatty Rosedale moms; and very handy, too, on those long winter evenings when boys get bored and the sports move indoors.

Well, then.

Gliberal, however, is NOT, I would like to emphasize,  a hot panini of “liberal” and “glib”. No sirree.

Liberals are not “glib”.

We just tend to be right about everything, and the sheer amount of being right, about everything, day in and day out, means that our obvious yet correct responses and solutions, for all our best intentions, just trip off our tongues a teensy bit faster than we’d like.  OK?  I won’t even start on “Smugerals”.

I like to boycott the whole issue and just say “progressive”.  Now, in Canada, that word was co-opted for years by the “Progressive Conservatives”, the actual party name of the Other Party, and indeed, when I was a lad, you could vote for the PC’s without getting all apologetic in public and, for example, pointing to yourself while going “gagagaga” to indicate that you had recently suffered irreversible brain damage.

This is because—and you youngsters might want to grab your S’mores and cocoa, bundle up under your Hudson’s Bay blankets, sign out of Pornhub and gather round my feet while I explain this bit— this is because the idea of a political party that doesn’t believe in human rights is a relatively new concept and one that obviously takes a LOT of weighing and considering to see if that’s an OK idea before you just say “fuck it, I like his hair” and vote for them.

This is why the U.S. Republicans are trying to relieve the elderly, poor and black—basically anyone who doesn’t golf—from the terrible physical demands of voting, by acts of compassion such as placing polling stations miles out of reach or just gerrymandering the whole lot of them behind barbed wire fences, because it’s just such a burden that, honestly, if you’re not white, 40-something and male, with a big-ass gym membership, not to mention a supply of beef jerky to keep your protein levels up, you’re probably not going to survive an election.  Seriously.

Anyway, now that the Canadian Conservatives have wisely dropped the “Progressive”, you could still think of them as progressive, you just have to remember that they’ve all got their heads screwed on backwards, so although they actually THINK they’re still looking forward, you get the idea.  That’s an important point.

Alrighty, then.

Now I’m finally going to come clean and tell you my secret Gliberal agenda.  It is NOTHING LESS THAN world domination via excruciatingly refined and esoteric merchandise—merchandise as liberally encrusted with my signature dry wit as is with lichen the vast Canadian shield.  Yes, friends.  THAT has been the aim all along.

Bear with me while I emit a single, well-placed bark of evil laughter, punctuated by a judicious stab on the Hammond organ.

I know, princess.  I know.  But daddy’s here.

Whatever, and can I just say, seriously.  If you haven’t visited my sister brand Snatsch’nFoofer  yet—what is wrong with you?  Afraid you’ll break a nail?

I’m adding T-shirts by the second, and I know one of them is bound to tickle your fancy. And while your fancy is being tickled, my Secure Socket Layers, Ultimo-kryptothon-enabled e-commerce back-end—I always get a little thrill down my spine when I write that—will be all laid out, face-down, passive and kinda blotchy with red, if I’m honest, waiting to receive your studly, credit-cardly input.

Don’t be surprised if it bites the pillow.

Coming soon:  “Seventh Chakra”

Subtlety, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind as sixties’ psychedelic meets twenty-first century cynicism in this eye-popping collection of unisex tanks.

chakra-yellow

The next time you’re confronted with Aunt Zelda’s macramé wall hanging or luxuriant armpit hair, just exclaim,

“Well, kick me hard in my seventh chakra!” 

As a bonus, the illegibly distorted font makes for a great conversation starter.  As in, “WTF does your tank top say?!”

 Coming soon to my store.

A quick excuse for a post, and a request.

Dear followers and friends –

I’ve set up a “donations” link at the top right of the page.  If you’d like to offer a little support – whether financial or spreading the word – I’d be beyond grateful.

If you saw the page before, look again – I’ve completely changed the message and the meaning.

Or, to save your neck from all the pesky turning (I’ve got your neck… errr, back), you can just click here.

If you feel like rocking the appearance of cutting-edge while remaining blissfully unenlightened, you can shop my merch.

And if you want to make me cry, just be nice to me.

Quote of the day

einstein

 

“Would anyone care for a Fresca?”

Albert Einstein

Some of you may be surprised at seeing Mr Time and Space given as the originator of this memorable line.

The usual attribution has been, of course, Abraham Lincoln, during Act III of “My American Cousin”.

(Lincoln had a private box, and no other theater-goers were disturbed by this request, made to the “Cigars, cigarettes, popsicles, Godiva choco-cones or soft drinks?” concession girl who would come around at convenient lulls in the dialog.

(Or at least, he would have, had he actually said this.  But any school kid could tell that this wasn’t Lincoln.  Honestly.  It’s common knowledge that Lincoln much preferred a nice root beer from A&W, along with an “Assassination Burger”:  two large patties that fall out of the bun into a pool of ketchup.)

I need you to pull your weight more +PLUS+ That ’70’s Post

panopticon

Abstract:  Click the "LIKE" button.  End of Abstract

I know this may be difficult for you to read, but

I have to do that shit-sandwich thing, you know, like when your boss, which is undeniably me at this moment, because you came here under my direction, so far so good —when your boss calls you into his glassed-in corner of your office and sits you down for a “talk”.

There is a hideous word, even more hideous than “shit–sandwich”, which makes explicit the “I work in an office/I live in the prison system” analogy, or maybe that’s really a metaphor, I get them mixed up.

Comparison, OK?

You know, and can I just say, seriously.  If you didn’t try to be so difficult and contrary all the time, we’d both be out in the climatically changed sunshine right now working on our melanoma and having Cosmo’s for breakfast. We wouldn’t have to be in my office, where I am seven-of-nine to your plain old borg, with you listening to my shit-sandwich.

So think about all the negative things in our lives that you are responsible for, is my first comment.

I know that in a “shit-sandwich” you’re supposed to give the nice white slice of bread and butter first, before you slather on the thick coating of shit, making sure to get right to the edges of the bread, right to the edges, and no skimping. So sue me, I’m doing this one Danish open-face style. On rye.

And NOT the rye with the little seeds, either. The seeds are gross and make me think I am eating bread infested with something like ants. Plus, the seeds get woodged in between my teeth, because I’m old and my teeth are finally arguing about the correct amount of allotted space, having spent their lifetime crowded together like Toronto commuters on the Queen streetcar.

Now that one or two have achieved their lifespan and, as it were, got off the streetcar outside the Drake Hotel or the detox centre or the Parkdale branch of the Public Library, the other commuter-teeth are elbowing each other and stretching their legs and going, “This is more like it! Hot damn!”, and little chinks have appeared in between them that allow bread seeds and raspberry seeds and bits of unmasticated peanut to infiltrate, like spies hiding in phone booths.

And they are the very Dickens to get out. The very Dickens!

Anyway.  The word is “panopticon” and it was a way of arranging a prison so the head guard could see absolutely everyone and what everyone was doing at any given moment.  “Pan” is like Greek for “all” and “opticon” means “seeing”.

That’s it.  What was I saying?  Oh, yeah.

Now, moving forward, I need you to be, and don’t vomit when you hear this word, but I need you to be pro-active.  That means I need you to think of all the things I’m too lazy to think of myself, that’s like the “pro” part; and then I need you to DO THEM, not just think about them, that’s right, that’s the “active”.  And as boss, that’s one of the things I am perfectly entitled to ask you, OK?  Suck it up.

And then I’ll say, “What, you expect thanks for DOING YOUR JOB?”  Ha!  Caught you off-guard, didn’t I, and that’s why they pay me the big bucks, Virginia.  Big bucks.

I need you to click my LIKE BUTTONS.  You don’t have to friggin’ like it, jeezus, are you retarded?  I just need you to publicize me.  For free.

Let’s take a step back and make sure we’re all on the same page. Or sandwich. So, I have to tell you that although you’ve ingested some of the shit-sandwich, I actually have no other slice of seedless rye bread, seeing as it’s a Danish open-face style and all.

Sorry, my bad!  You were right to do what you’re supposed to do, and the fact that I’m not fulfilling my part of the bargain is just unfortunately one of those things that happens. You know?

So here’s the pickle on top, which is the good bit, whether or not you actually like pickles.

Are you getting the connections here?  Good.  That’s what’s good about what you do, also that you’re actually reading this far (= this is a dill pickle, by the way).

OK, so summing up:

Like or Don’t Like; followed by, “LIKE”.

Now get back to work.


That ’70’s Post!  -or-  I wanted my life to be like a work of art. But it’s turned out more like an abandoned macramé project.

 

Left:

I saw this guy and instantly dubbed him “Macramé Pizza Face Perv Boy”. Do you get that too? I’m not sure what the actual macramé is supposed to be. I DO know that at some point Cher will wear this to the Met Gala.

Right:

In case you’ve been beside yourself with frustration due to having no method of holding your 60-lb speakers suspended beside your hot tub.

Well, kick me hard in my seventh chakra – it’s macramé to the rescue!

Anyone care for a Fresca?

Takin’ a spin on a Gigolo +PLUS+ Didja notice…?

There exists online a European-based hook-up site for gay

men called “Recon” – recon as in reconnaissance, as in gay men meeting up online to do offline, and sometimes even online, what only we can do; and if you examine the links closely you will soon find an invitation to visit their online store.  (“Shop till you pop?”)

Follow that link, Murgatroyd, and once in their store you’ll find, among the jock straps and cock rings and puppy costumes made of rubber—I know—and lube, and ball gags fit for a queen, a product called, with that certain European flair, “F-Machine Gigolo”, and I’m just guessing that “The One and Only Acme Butt Bandit” didn’t make it through the branding brainstorm.

Please remove your unoccupied hand from your eyes to see the image on this page, an image which you will, by the way, never be able to forget, ever.

This is when “je ne sais quoi” becomes “je sais very well indeed quoi! Taber-NAK!!”

F Machine Gigolo

Hey, Big Spender! Who’s a naughty 2017?

Ze F-Machine Gigolo, she is, ‘ow do you zay, quite ze va va voom, ja?

Ja! Und sie also sells for 399 Euros, not including the probably helpful F-Machine Anchor, and the obviously almost stupidly important F-Machine Suction Base Universal Adapter with USB port.

We all knew that boys and their toys were a sublimation of sex; now it seems we’re advanced enough to dispense with the sublimation and get right to the, as it were, shameless meat and potatoes.

Can’t you just hear them over at “Fred’s Garage and Live Bait Open 24/7 Closed Sunday” :

Jim:   Sweet F-Machine Gigolo, dude!
Fred:  Frickin’ AWESOME!
Bert:  Sweet ride, man!

Which may give “take her for a spin” a “hole” new meaning.

Geddit!?  “Hole”?!!!?? L M Friggin’ A O!

(Secondary bonus: Martha Stewart reports that your F-Machine Gigolo makes short work of the twenty-six egg whites you’ve been saving for meringue in a Tupperware container in the fridge, just the ticket for those “Floating Islands” you’ll never in a million years do anything but aspire to.  TIP: Remember to Wet Wipe first! Yowza!)

You know, and can I just say, seriously.  I was trying to come up with a way to describe the year 2017, to distill its essence; to find solace, as does a sub under the bull-whip, in a metaphor that would encompass its sleazily impersonal yet obnoxiously persistent modus operandi; then I casually clicked on that store link and—!  Whaddaya know! Eureka!

I have found my metaphor, distilled my essence, and she is beautiful, to wit:

Two thousand seventeen is a lean, mean, bend-you-over-against-your-will, spread-those-cheeks-and-prepare-to-die fucking machine. (And the white girls sing: Oh, yes it is, uh-huh, uh-huh, oh yes it is.)

Take America.  Please.  Shoved face first to the sawdust-strewn floor of the bar by Trump, pants yanked down.  Prepare to die, America!  You ARE Korean bar-b-q, extra kimchi version! Crank that Gigolo up to HIGH!

Two thousand seventeen is, first and foremost, the year of Trump. TR-R-R-R-UMP! The name rolls off the tongue like that unchewable wad of gristle from a cheap cut of steak that you can’t swallow but still can’t bring yourself to spit into your napkin.

Well. At least he survived the second disaster of his Presidency.  The first being, you know.  His Presidency.

Hurricane Harvey strikes, answering the diabolic chants of every gay male in every coven from Salem to Esalen; Melania, ever devout, petitions Saint Manolo of Blahnik to intercede. And while we’re on that topic: Was there a conversation before their departure for Texas?  Something along these lines?

Hey Mel. Mel?”

“Yeah, what?”

“It’s the shoes. The six-inch stilettos. The hooker heels. With the Capri pants.”

“Yeah, what?”  

“How much did I spend on that.”

“You like, baby?”

“They’re fucking awesome.” 

“This I am also thinking.”

Admirably suppressing any pesky brain cells that might get in the way of his being irrelevant, Trump rhapsodizes about hurricane water:  “This is big water!  The biggest water ever! So much water! It’s like frickin’ ten infinity pools at Mara-Lago!  This is just— so much the biggest water! Than was ever seen! Ya know? Like, check out this water! Lotsa water! WOW!”

Gettysburg Address, I Have a Dream, Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You? Keep your Lincoln Memorial, I see in its place Donald’s Water Speech carved on a plinth, topped with an inflatable Trump, as if there were any other kind, rendered by Jeff Koons in 24-carat gold.

As in art, so in politics: If you’re a hideous and hideously expensive joke, a 24-carat balloon, everything depends on how many people you can fool, and there’s a helluva lot of fools in the U. S. of A.

trump-0cbb608c-6e23-4639-9e35-a301f82f6f65

Margaret Atwood and Doug Ford?

But back to me <heaves audible sigh of relief> and my insular yet glamorous Toronto life of rent tribunals, NSF charges that are bigger than the actual payment I missed, and being the hostage in home invasions.  How I find the time to twirl my big toe in the dirt and weave those garlands of daisies, I’ll never know!

I’m seriously post-trauma. At least, I will be when I figure out when one trauma ends and the next begins. The sound of the bedroom door chunking open like a missile silo at Cape Canaveral to blast Roommate # 335a into my face, and the metallic slap of the mail slot against my front door after it vomits another unpayable bill on to my porte-cochère set my heart to pounding and my blood pressure spiking like Oprah’s weight, but without the soothing mud mask that helps her forget. Impending strokes are my cardio, though given the choice, I’d sooner implode.

“Let me guess, 805?” snarls my super to my buddy, caught walking while black, who has decided to follow another tenant inside instead of ringing up.  I realize that, to Timbercreek Property Management, I am the living Christ: Their personal put-upon scapegoat in cheap sandals that taketh on the sins of the world. I can just about live with it as a final phase.

The next day, a car jumps the concrete barrier to the underground parking at my building and crashes; I contemplate sending a note to management apologizing just in case I actually did cause it. It feels quite possible. I’m looking a lot like Carrie White these days, all drab hair and bald spots, cardboard shoes and unchanged panty pads. Ashtrays vibrate on the corners of desks at my approach.

There’s more. The rental office tells a prospective roommate that my apartment is the source of cockroaches for the building. The source! I am forced to write to them stating in no uncertain terms that I’m far too busy dealing with my own roaches to supply the other tenants. They will unfortunately have to provide their own.  Score: Dave, 1.

Next, we top the Danish open-faced sandwich of public life with yet another steaming-hot curlicue of horror, this being the announcement by Doug Ford that he has decided not to spare us the inevitable. Yes, he will run for Mayor of FordNation!

Well, puncture my toe with a rusty nail at Hanlan’s Point, he never! Let’s hop right on that Gigolo and never dismount till 2019, and what you wanna bet she’ll be corkscrewing outta my ear before this baby’s done, hot damn!

Seriously, is there no respite? How many, oh lord, how many more zombieFords still float in their tanks of formaldehyde like so many Damien Hirst prototypes, awaiting reanimation in that festering Fordlab littered with empty buckets o’ chicken and Labatt’s 50 cans? It feels, here in the City of the Undead, like we barely managed to kill off the last one, and just in time, too, before he tore down Margaret Atwood and replaced her with a casino.

Nine PM. A strapping young lad decides to make my online day. “Hey, Gramps!” he chirps.

Yeah. Shoulda stuck with the pics from ’85. They got a great response, perfect if you’re into bondage, long walks on the beach and door shock (as a bottom).  I reckon, or Recon, he’s German. He probably meant to say “Gran”. Or “gnädige”.

I decide to tackle those Christmas cards from last year I never sent out.

Things just might be looking up.

~

Didja notice my redesign and didja like it?

Even better:  My online store is now at shop.slowpainful.com.  That’s right.  I configured a sub-domain.  The tits are off the bull!

Check out the link “Buy Merchandise” at the top of the page.  Tell me what you think. And buy merchandise.  Kind of thing?

And if you enjoy my blog, why not consider 1.  Making a donation through Paypal; 2. Buying merch; 3.  Adopting me so I can live in your penthouse.   I could really use the support right now.

And a Gigolo.

DR