Alternative cuisine

From My Squalid Kitchen: Episode 6—Mature Mayonnaise Marathon

UPDATE: I received this heartfelt email from a “fan”:

Dear Wannabe Film Maker Who Can’t Even Operate His Smartphone:

Me and a couple of other male colleagues booked maternity leave so we could watch your “Mayonnaise” epic, which clocked in at 20 minutes of nothing but you stirring an egg in a bowl. Talk about bait and switch! We tried to cancel and go back to work, but you know. Until Planned Parenthood mans up and drops the pro-female PC liberal bullshit, we’re basically fucked.

It’s like, over for us, but maybe you could edit it down a bit, for the sake of. You know. Personkind.

Also, do you know where we can score some good weed? We’ll be at the food bank today, just before it closes. Thanks, dude.

So I had another go at the edit and I’ve got it down to 12 minutes – that’s seven minutes less. This video is now tighter than Kirstie Alley’s thigh warmers.  Sorry, culottes.

And THAT’s the way (uh-huh uh-huh) we all now apparently LIKE it (uh-huh uh-huh).  Enjoy!


What can you do at 62 with an egg yolk and some oil? If you guessed “get a guaranteed seat on the subway”, you’d only be partially right.

This is the second attempt at this episode, after I forgot to turn the camera on, dropped the yolk in the sink, and watched a large roach stampede by during the first attempt. But if you’re into the “gross factor”, never fear—I make the mayo while smoking.

There’s no planning in any of this, you know. None.


From My Squalid Kitchen, Episode 3


Kraft Dinner With Building Manager Garnish.  Yumm.

When you’re fighting eviction, the

simplest solution is to make a meal of your enemy.  It helps that we now have Google Translate, so we can curse them in their native tongue, in this case, Russian.

Dear Mr P:

May your blinis be always too thick!!

Пусть ваши блины всегда будут слишком толстыми  !!
Pust’ vashi bliny vsegda budut slishkom tolstymi  !!

May your wife smell of the gulag and your children have kasha for brains!!

Пусть твоя жена пахнет гулагом, а твои дети имеют кашу для мозгов!
 Pust’ tvoya zhena pakhnet gulagom, a tvoi deti imeyut kashu dlya mozgov!

May the sturgeon of your district be always barren and the oysters out of season!!

Пусть осетр вашего региона будет всегда бесплодным и устриц вне сезона!
Pust’ osetr vashego regiona budet vsegda besplodnym i ustrits vne sezona!

May you be anally penetrated by a thousand Vladimir Putin’s!!!

Я желаю, чтобы вы были проникнуты тысячами Владимиром Путиным!
YA zhelayu, chtoby vy byli proniknuty tysyachami Vladimirom Putinym!

Funnest. Fun. EVERRRRRRR.

From My Squalid Kitchen: Episode 2

“Let them eat cake.  In bed.  While gossiping.”


You didn’t ask for it, and here it is! Episode 2 of the series that’s making a big splash!

If you spend, like, a lot of time in a wading pool with your inflatable shark and a Collector’s Edition “Aqua Diver Barbie”.

You’ll see me tussle with a Tassimo, sorry, Bosch, coffee pod maker thingamajig, learn the secrets of buying pastries instead of baking them yourself, and get some insight into the tormented mind of a gadget lover. As well, you’ll hear me get really nervous when Doug starts spouting off about BLM, at which point I try to shut him down by doing a really bad Caribbean accent, so now I’m afraid to leave the house.

It’s not a lot of fun being a white, gay, male liberal. Nope. Me and fun just take a gander at each other, sniff and cross to the opposite side of the street. Which means we’re both on the same side again.

Just watch the friggin’ video. Sheesh.

What’s long, hard, cold and encased in a protective covering? +PLUS+ Freezie-in-a-drink Cocktail Hack!

Hot weather is Freezie weather.  In celebration, I humbly offer the following, rather astounding

Freezie Facts:


Me, “enjoying” a pineapple Freezie. Does anyone have a Band-aid?

1. Freezies come in plastic tubes that have been handled by about 3,300 people from time of manufacture to delivery to your local convenience store. What else, I ask you, would you put into your mouth unquestioningly that that many people had handled that much?


2. The elusive Cherry flavour Freezie is much coveted but rarely seen. Some people have tried to fob me off with Grape or worse, Watermelon (the second-most disgusting flavor next to pineapple, see below); Others have tried to convince me that its existence is just an Urban Myth.

But my cousin’s best friend, Mandy, knows someone whose uncle is married to a woman who used to know someone who worked in the Freezie factory. This woman’s someone has definitely packed cherry freezies.

Urban myth!—You bunch of kidders!  Tease a guy or what?!  Lol !!

3. The Freezie tube has no discernible method of being opened except trying to tear it with your teeth (or what’s left of them after a lifelong glucose-fructose based liquid diet and dental care at prices that, with your budget allocated differently, could have the entire family wearing Chanel haute couture for gardening) or growling and shaking it side to side like a fox terrier, or taking your keys out of your pocket and swatting at it until you succeed in punching a hole through the apparently NASA-grade plastic.

And don’t think that once you’ve actually opened your Freezie your tribulations are at an end.  No way, José! No garden of earthly delights but that harbors within its leafy walls a tiny tendril of pain: for the thin, razor-sharp edges of the Freezie tube cut into the corners of your mouth as you suck on it.

It’s excruciating.

4.  Freezies can cause severe stress due to their not being able to be put down once you’ve opened them. Just try answering your cellphone while driving your car and slurping on a Freezie—you’ll be calling the CAA faster than you can say “decapitated  cyclist”.

Or open a Freezie then wander through the Rare Manuscripts Room at the British Museum, then try texting “Sup dude??” to someone, like, totally random you found in the “MMMFFMM looking for companionship” section of Craigslist.  You’ll soon find out why those glass cases are alarmed!  Not, I may add, for the convenience of regular guys like us Freezie-enjoyers.  Elitist pigs.

5. The least-coveted flavour of Freezie is the dreaded Pineapple flavour. It tastes like ice-cold puke, which is probably why it’s in the “Snacks” section of Canada’s Food Guide under “Recommended for bulimics”.

As for Watermelon flavor:  It reminds me of that moment when you stagger out of a bathhouse at 9 A.M., red-eyed and reeking of poppers, blinded by daylight and sticky with lube, dizzy from your first cigarette in eight hours, and what you most desperately want to do is buttonhole someone on their way to the office, pull them nose-to-nose with you and hiss:

“Sorry, toots, but I gotta know: Does my face smell like ass?????

It does, honey, it does. And so does the Watermelon freezie.


Notwithstanding all of that, a quick look at my soon-to-be-NY Times Bestseller “Cooking with Dyspepsia:  How I learned to throw together already-prepared junk food and serve the results as revenge for your never inviting me out (and even when you did, we went Dutch!)” yields the following treasure:

freeziedrinkFreezie in a Drink! Cocktail Hack

One freezie (pref. Pineapple Flavour)
Two glasses of Pink-Colored Cream Soda
One bottle of premium vodka with the cap on

One cheap bastard or bitch of an ex-partner


1. Open Freezie, then suck on the exposed end for a bit until you feel bored and listless. Invite the cheap bastard or bitch over for “cocktails”.

2. When the CBorBofanXP has arrived, break the Freezie into two exactly equal lengths and place each in glass of Cream Soda. Make a big deal about pretending to add some expensive vodka but don’t uncap the bottle!


4. SERVE to the CBorBofanXP.
Men: wear your tightest skinnies and/or stuff a handkerchief down the front until enhanced to your satisfaction if the “tight” bit doesn’t really improve the situation.
Women: Wear a low-cut baby-doll type negligée plus high-heeled platform shoes. Bend over as far as possible while serving, or simply fall backwards onto the cushions which you’ve already put in place.

5.  ENJOY the revenge!!

6. Sorry, hon, did I forget to tell you about the cushions? My bad!!

Happy Freezie weather!