1. Freezies come in plastic tubes that have been handled by about 3,300 people from time of manufacture to delivery to your local convenience store. What else, I ask you, would you put into your mouth unquestioningly that that many people had handled that much?
2. The elusive Cherry flavour Freezie is much coveted but rarely seen. Some people have tried to fob me off with Grape or worse, Watermelon (the second-most disgusting flavor next to pineapple, see below); Others have tried to convince me that its existence is just an Urban Myth.
But my cousin’s best friend, Mandy, knows someone whose uncle is married to a woman who used to know someone who worked in the Freezie factory. This woman’s someone has definitely packed cherry freezies.
Urban myth!—You bunch of kidders! Tease a guy or what?! Lol !!
3. The Freezie tube has no discernible method of being opened except trying to tear it with your teeth (or what’s left of them after a lifelong glucose-fructose based liquid diet and dental care at prices that, with your budget allocated differently, could have the entire family wearing Chanel haute couture for gardening) or growling and shaking it side to side like a fox terrier, or taking your keys out of your pocket and swatting at it until you succeed in punching a hole through the apparently NASA-grade plastic.
And don’t think that once you’ve actually opened your Freezie your tribulations are at an end. No way, José! No garden of earthly delights but that harbors within its leafy walls a tiny tendril of pain: for the thin, razor-sharp edges of the Freezie tube cut into the corners of your mouth as you suck on it.
4. Freezies can cause severe stress due to their not being able to be put down once you’ve opened them. Just try answering your cellphone while driving your car and slurping on a Freezie—you’ll be calling the CAA faster than you can say “decapitated cyclist”.
Or open a Freezie then wander through the Rare Manuscripts Room at the British Museum, then try texting “Sup dude??” to someone, like, totally random you found in the “MMMFFMM looking for companionship” section of Craigslist. You’ll soon find out why those glass cases are alarmed! Not, I may add, for the convenience of regular guys like us Freezie-enjoyers. Elitist pigs.
5. The least-coveted flavour of Freezie is the dreaded Pineapple flavour. It tastes like ice-cold puke, which is probably why it’s in the “Snacks” section of Canada’s Food Guide under “Recommended for bulimics”.
As for Watermelon flavor: It reminds me of that moment when you stagger out of a bathhouse at 9 A.M., red-eyed and reeking of poppers, blinded by daylight and sticky with lube, dizzy from your first cigarette in eight hours, and what you most desperately want to do is buttonhole someone on their way to the office, pull them nose-to-nose with you and hiss:
“Sorry, toots, but I gotta know: Does my face smell like ass?????”
It does, honey, it does. And so does the Watermelon freezie.
Notwithstanding all of that, a quick look at my soon-to-be-NY Times Bestseller “Cooking with Dyspepsia: How I learned to throw together already-prepared junk food and serve the results as revenge for your never inviting me out (and even when you did, we went Dutch!)” yields the following treasure:
Freezie in a Drink! Cocktail Hack
One freezie (pref. Pineapple Flavour)
Two glasses of Pink-Colored Cream Soda
One bottle of premium vodka with the cap on
One cheap bastard or bitch of an ex-partner
1. Open Freezie, then suck on the exposed end for a bit until you feel bored and listless. Invite the cheap bastard or bitch over for “cocktails”.
2. When the CBorBofanXP has arrived, break the Freezie into two exactly equal lengths and place each in glass of Cream Soda. Make a big deal about pretending to add some expensive vodka but don’t uncap the bottle!
4. SERVE to the CBorBofanXP.
Men: wear your tightest skinnies and/or stuff a handkerchief down the front until enhanced to your satisfaction if the “tight” bit doesn’t really improve the situation.
Women: Wear a low-cut baby-doll type negligée plus high-heeled platform shoes. Bend over as far as possible while serving, or simply fall backwards onto the cushions which you’ve already put in place.
5. ENJOY the revenge!!
6. Sorry, hon, did I forget to tell you about the cushions? My bad!!
Happy Freezie weather!