UPDATE: I received this heartfelt email from a “fan”:
Dear Wannabe Film Maker Who Can’t Even Operate His Smartphone:
Me and a couple of other male colleagues booked maternity leave so we could watch your “Mayonnaise” epic, which clocked in at 20 minutes of nothing but you stirring an egg in a bowl. Talk about bait and switch! We tried to cancel and go back to work, but you know. Until Planned Parenthood mans up and drops the pro-female PC liberal bullshit, we’re basically fucked.
It’s like, over for us, but maybe you could edit it down a bit, for the sake of. You know. Personkind.
Also, do you know where we can score some good weed? We’ll be at the food bank today, just before it closes. Thanks, dude.
So I had another go at the edit and I’ve got it down to 12 minutes – that’s seven minutes less. This video is now tighter than Kirstie Alley’s thigh warmers. Sorry, culottes.
And THAT’s the way (uh-huh uh-huh) we all now apparently LIKE it (uh-huh uh-huh). Enjoy!
What can you do at 62 with an egg yolk and some oil? If you guessed “get a guaranteed seat on the subway”, you’d only be partially right.
This is the second attempt at this episode, after I forgot to turn the camera on, dropped the yolk in the sink, and watched a large roach stampede by during the first attempt. But if you’re into the “gross factor”, never fear—I make the mayo while smoking.
There’s no planning in any of this, you know. None.
Kraft Dinner With Building Manager Garnish.
When you’re fighting eviction, the
simplest solution is to make a meal of your enemy. It helps that we now have Google Translate, so we can curse them in their native tongue, in this case, Russian.
Dear Mr P:
May your blinis be always too thick!!
Пусть ваши блины всегда будут слишком толстыми !!
Pust’ vashi bliny vsegda budut slishkom tolstymi !!
May your wife smell of the gulag and your children have kasha for brains!!
Пусть твоя жена пахнет гулагом, а твои дети имеют кашу для мозгов!
Pust’ tvoya zhena pakhnet gulagom, a tvoi deti imeyut kashu dlya mozgov!
May the sturgeon of your district be always barren and the oysters out of season!!
Пусть осетр вашего региона будет всегда бесплодным и устриц вне сезона!
Pust’ osetr vashego regiona budet vsegda besplodnym i ustrits vne sezona!
May you be anally penetrated by a thousand Vladimir Putin’s!!!
Я желаю, чтобы вы были проникнуты тысячами Владимиром Путиным!
YA zhelayu, chtoby vy byli proniknuty tysyachami Vladimirom Putinym!
Funnest. Fun. EVERRRRRRR.
“Let them eat cake. In bed. While gossiping.”
You didn’t ask for it, and here it is! Episode 2 of the series that’s making a big splash!
If you spend, like, a lot of time in a wading pool with your inflatable shark and a Collector’s Edition “Aqua Diver Barbie”.
You’ll see me tussle with a Tassimo, sorry, Bosch, coffee pod maker thingamajig, learn the secrets of buying pastries instead of baking them yourself, and get some insight into the tormented mind of a gadget lover. As well, you’ll hear me get really nervous when Doug starts spouting off about BLM, at which point I try to shut him down by doing a really bad Caribbean accent, so now I’m afraid to leave the house.
It’s not a lot of fun being a white, gay, male liberal. Nope. Me and fun just take a gander at each other, sniff and cross to the opposite side of the street. Which means we’re both on the same side again.
Just watch the friggin’ video. Sheesh.