From a three-syllable name to building bridges, the Dem nominee just couldn’t connect with the real America

When you experience life-altering trauma, for example, the sudden realisation that the universe is ruled by lizard people who’ve taken over the bodies of your friends and family;
learning via billboards that are only visible to you that the moon landing didn’t happen because they were too busy planning 9/11; or the humiliating defeat —that’s humiliating for the USA, not for her—of loser libtard Kamala Harris and the re-election of god-anointed wokeness warrior Donald Trump, you need to develop strategies that will help you cope during the day (nights are taken care of with staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and letting hot tears dribble into your ear holes).
Coping Strategies
You shouldn’t have to do this alone, dude. For basic coping strategies, you have probably already tried—
- taking out your anger and aggression on random five-year-olds you encounter during your job at the Kindergarten for the Developmentally Challenged;
- lying down in the middle of the cross walk and having a miscarriage; or
- dropping all semblance of boundaries and demanding that the checkout girl at Walmart give you a full body hug
But the best strategy of all is the unfiltered assignment of BLAME. Nothing will ever feel better than deciding on a scapegoat, dousing them with the gasoline of your anger and throwing the lit match of your incendiary rhetoric onto the whole banana split.
Obviously Kamala Harris is our target du jour. (Or “KamalaBamala-BananaBanaBoBam” as we hilariously like to call her, and serves her right for making Americans cope with a three-syllable name!) Excuse us while we paint a nice big bull’s eye target on the back of her Susie Shier pantsuit jacket.
We liberal suckers bet the whole Taco Bell enchilada on this broad and she dropped the ball, by which I mean the crispy tortilla. If you’re like me, biting your pillow at night until you can no longer hold back the outraged gasps of defeat, then bursting into a snuffling, mucous-y snot-jag that lasts until the paramedics arrive, you must be thinking: how wrong can one person be? How can one person make so many errors of judgement?
Well, let’s count—
All the Ways That Kamala Screwed the Pooch
1. The wrong type of shape-shifting
Kamala decided to be Black for this election, but, and here’s the deal, not quite Black enough. On a scale from Leslie Uggams (Tim Hortons triple-triple) to Naomi Campbell (teeny tiny cup of espresso), Kamala barely peaks at cup ‘o Joe with a shake of whitener. That ain’t gonna bring out the ethnic vote!
Additionally, it’s obvious that no woman could pack a resume like the one your vapid VP touts around, so, and it pains us to have to reveal this, Kamala is actually a man who decided to transition just before Joe Biden turned into a infomercial for the Sunset Lodge. Ever wonder why krafty Kamala just kind of disappeared after the inauguration? There ya go. It worked for Barry and Mike, she thought, why wouldn’t it work for Doug and me?
So. Sad.
This is the problem with the whole “trans” ideology thing—which doesn’t exist, by the way, because, c’mon. What man would CHOOSE a transition to a lifetime of struggle, sexual abuse, eating disorders, self-hate, shit wages and disempowerment and you don’t even get to wear comfy shoes? Exactly.
2. Lack of policies that addressed the nation’s top concerns
Kamala thinks it’s enough to have the feels. Hope! Love! Togetherness!
So. Typical. Jeez, I bet she puts little hearts instead of dots on top of her “i’s”!
All she could offer was subsidies for new homeowners, lowering the cost of day to day living, abortion rights, and her mom’s recipe for chicken tikka masala. That ain’t gonna gin up the bros of Silicon Valley!
Contrast with Trump, who felt the pulse of the nation and offered solid, relatable reforms like, “I’ll round up immigrant men, women and children, separate them, dip them in vats of boiling water till their skin peels off, then deport them! And don’t worry about odd jobs around the house: Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger will be mowing your lawn as part of their community service!”
Way to suss middle America’s dissatisfaction with the loopy left, Donald!
3. Thinking too small
Kamala threatened to shoot anyone who broke into her home and put her family at risk. Yawn-a-rama! Trump, however, with his total immunity to criminal prosecution, can’t wait to stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue, New York City, and shoot random strangers.
No. Contest.
4. Too much emphasis on law and order, but too soft on crime
As a California state prosecutor, Kamala famously dissed her “Black” (eye roll) bros by putting them in jail for offenses they committed, using the lame excuse that they broke the law. WTF, dude??!! Then she developed a program to rehabilitate them if they stayed out of trouble post-incarceration. Are you kidding me?
To add insult to injury, Kamala Harris has, to the best of my knowledge, never even flirted with breaking the law, except maybe that time she dropped a candy wrapper out of the bus window when she was five. This means zero vicarious thrills for your base. I bet she watches Sesame Street reruns, then goes to bed at ten, or eleven at the latest.
Trump makes being a criminal aspirational, even publishing transcripts of his trial where he garnered an impressive thirty-four felony convictions. Did it positively encourage people to vote for him? Did it? I rest my case.
To emphasize that crime pays, during his first term he famously instituted the “Oval Office to prison pipeline”, and, in a gesture that reeks of white nationalism and Christian charity, plans to pardon and release all of the insurrectionists who were arrested for storming the Capitol.
This cleverly allows them to be model tourists and practise with their automatic weapons, so they’re primed to hunt down unpatriotic Americans in the streets when Trump gives the salute from the platform of his personal tank.
5. Just not sexy enough
Kamala is only borderline pretty, and in that soccer mom / car pool the kids to band practice / make oatmeal for breakfast / harried MILF kind of way. That’s a level of wholesome that appeals to, maybe, closet bisexuals like J D Vance, if at all.
A serious woman candidate would have saved up for some bigger-than-her-head Stormy Daniels-style breast implants, then worn a halter top backwards for the DNC. Also, ditch the pant suit, Ms Executive Secretary 1973! It didn’t work for Hillary, and it ain’t workin’ for you, cutey-pie.
But Kamala in a little cheerleader’s skirt plus giant tits? She would have still lost the Oval Office, but won the massive respect from white, straight American men that they normally save for inflatable sex dolls. Pucker up, Kamaloser!
To prove what a massive turn-off all this virtue is, let’s count how many kids she’s had. That’s right: zero. The only pussy that’s getting grabbed in the Harris household is their cat, Trotsky.
6. Who would vote for a right-wing Marxist neoliberal socialist?
Make up your mind before we lose ours, Madam VP! Supporting the middle-class and small business? Higher taxes for billionaires? Breaking up pricing cartels and lowering greedflation? Affordable housing?
Voters took one gander at Komrad Kamala and cried, “Give me back my freedom to be poor!” Your VP pick, Tampon Tim, even brought in free school meals for every student in Minnesota and gave out free feminine hygiene products in the boys’ washrooms!
Compare Trump’s winning agenda, which will alienate all his trading partners with across the board tariffs on imports, enact more tax breaks for billionaires and put his bro Elon Musk in charge of balancing the budget—that’s the same Elon Musk who recently had his exorbitant salary increase knocked back by the Delaware courts.
Donald’s economic agenda includes gutting Medicare, social security and Head Start — because, as a majority of Trumpers apparently agree, nothing says “American Dream” like hungry children failing at school and senior citizens dribbling into their incontinence pants as they weigh the options of buying their insulin or living in a tent.
7. Like, the worst VP pick ever
Kamala could have chosen Josh Shapiro, such a nice boy! and with a name that just shouts, “Between Kamala and me, we’ll blast those five-year-old intern terrorists in Gaza to smithereens!”
Josh is Governor of Pennsylvania, a popular politician and transparent about his support for Israel, and betimes a proponent of corporate tax cuts, who wears suits virtually identical to Kamala’s, except Josh is just a little bit prettier in his.
She could have had so much success with a nice, tidy clone of herself, with nothing to distract from the message that it’s all about nailing down Pennsylvania, ignoring the “unimportant” rednecks of the mid-West like every other Democrat before her, and placating Israel, through genocide and beyond.
Instead? With the goal of building bridges with the disaffected red states, she chose Tim Walz, a sloppy, cuddly Cabbage-Patch doll; a dedicated, beloved high-school teacher, a woman-supporting, LGBTQ-initiating guy’s guy from Minnesota, a veteran who saw combat, and a pillar of his local community. He talked about neighbours helping neighbours, regardless of politics. He went against the grain and brought in “socialist” policies like free school breakfast and lunch for all kids across the state, so all kids would have a chance, and non-means tested, so that the poorest kids wouldn’t feel stigmatised by their poverty.
Is this the kind of soft-bellied, mealy-mouthed excuse for a man that Dems grow in their sex-switch greenhouses? No wonder about the childless cat ladies! He even birthed a neuro-divergent son who cried with pride at his dad being on stage as the VP nominee, which gave us Anne Coulter et al. barely containing their malicious, right-wing laughter. What a bunch of misfits, right?
Kamala just didn’t get it: Most Americans don’t want to build bridges. They want their hatred to energize themselves for the battles ahead, scapegoats that they can send out into the wilderness, and others so they can identify the Real Americans.
8. Saying the words “trans”, “gay” and “LGBTQ” once each with her hand over her mouth.
I’m pretty sure I heard Kamala mention these three terms in one or another of her speeches. Way to alienate normal people, who were clearly upset with the direction the nation was headed, like, treating weirdos with respect and acting like kids had human rights, in and of themselves.
The voting majority had their say: no more taking their kids to school, then coming to pick them up only to find that the school had provided them with gender-affirming surgery plus full hair and makeup! No more pretending that gaymarriage is as good as the real thing. Critical Race Theory? Diversity, Equity, Inclusion? Just an excuse to discriminate against white people. White people. White people—
White people have had enough.
There you have it. Nothing’s gonna stand in the way of white people throwing off the terrible oppression of sharing the world they built with the undeserving, the uppity, and the perverted. Kamala, in a classic case of hubris, has caused the death of the failed experiment of democracy, the twilight of the gods. Really, we’re better off, but I don’t blame you for being bitter about it.
Next time you see Kamala, give her a piece of your mind. Don’t spare her the guilt trip about not trying hard enough or was it being inadequate? Either works.
I think it’s official: women should stop this pretense of equality, stay at home, raise some kids to the glory of God, bake, and leave important matters like politics to the big boys. Ultimately, there’s no shame in staying in your own lane, right?
Even dictators like the occasional chocolate chip cookie.
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