Future Ads for Random Stuff That Somehow Never Got Invented

Luxuriate in elegance and start many a meal-time exchange of value by using our

Whether you choose Gourmet Sticks ending with Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowls

Gourmet Sticks With Long Flat Holdy Bits And A Sharp Side—


Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs

our Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings frame your plate, making every repast into an Old Masters Painting that you mmm-mmm! stuff in your mouth, then swallow and digest!

Awaken your long-decommissioned spirit of adventure! Instead of holding out trembling, cupped hands for your serving of hot beef consommé, with all the tiresome scalding and dribbling that usually entails, try a Gourmet Stick Ending With a Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowl!

Couldn’t be easier! Simply hold out your Gourmet Stick with the Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowl towards Juanita, the Illegal Servant Girl, and, with lips pursed tighter than a choirboy’s winkle, suck up the broth with an ear-tickling slurpy noise that will have the entire table feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to do with themselves. Social win-win, with both wins for you!

Never feel at sixes and sevens with idle hands again!

  • Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings are perfect for fiddling about with and clinking together at dinner while your hostess runs distractedly back and forth from the scullery with her Wedgwood tureen due to all the staff quitting en masse two hours ago.
  • Trying to make a point about Plato’s Cave at the Debating Club? Grab the Glam!® and use the Gourmet Stick of your choice to thump vigorously on the podium, leaving a gorgeous patina of scratches and indentations as treasured keepsakes.

Little ones cranky and restless at the table? Wishing you’d left them at home? Use this priceless teaching opportunity, and your Gourmet Sticks, to casually set the course of their entire life from that moment forward with no hope of redemption—

Encourage them to juggle their grown up Gourmet Sticks between courses, then, while pointing out the blobs of creamed corn and pulpy clumps of stewed tomatoes as they land with a plop on your hostess’ gown or the Lieutenant Governor’s cummerbund, challenge your little geniuses to divine then reveal the secret meaning in excruciating detail (recommended for ages 4+).

Once you become buddies with your Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings, you’ll wonder how you ever survived without their pristine charm and practical advantages!

Use your Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs to mix your mashed potatoes and peas with more sheer elegance than ever before, all ready for flicking at the Monstera deliciosa, then, to gasps galore at your savoir-faire, simply use the handy prongs to delicately remove annoying flecks of black pepper, sesame seeds, coal dust, and other unnecessary garnishes that drift into your food when you’re not paying attention.

  • Fruit flies swarming those overripe bananas? Wave your Gourmet Sticks With Endings That Are Essentially Four Prongs at those pesky critters and say, “My prongs bid ye begone!” (Don’t forget to give hearty thanks to Satan and any side-minions who happen to pop up in reaction to the sulphurous fumes!)
  • Unwind and be kind to your cappuccino: Dip one of your Gourmet Sticks ending with Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowls into your velvety barista brew, then blow the foam onto the plump, pillowy cleavage of your favorite “little miss” for an evening of sensual, no-strings-attached busty love to remember, all at reduced rates!

But wait! There’s more!!

Stretch trousers feeling a liiiiiiiittle snug? Gourmet Sticks With Different Shaped Endings to the rescue! Your novel new tools of impressive delight are perfect for you calorie counters skulking behind those cheese Danishes!

Peek-a-Boo, I See You!

  • Make every meal soup and resolve to ingest it using only an incredible Gourmet Stick With An Ending That Is Essentially Four Prongs! You’ll have your work cut out for you, and chance would be a fine thing!
  • Or pair a Gourmet Stick Ending With a Shallow Mouth-Sized Bowl with angel hair pasta—and watch those pounds melt off before everyone’s bedazzled eyes!

But wait! Would you guess there’s even more? Of course you wouldn’t!

But whether you guess it or not, you can soothe those hard-to reach itchy spots on your lower back which you suspect are either poison ivy or shingles, then, for a tour de grace, stop reading obsessively about the stigmata of third-degree syphilis and find another way to entertain yourself and tell the word about your suave sophistication!

Simply take a Gourmet Stick With Long Flat Holdy Bit And A Sharp Side, and score deep lines on your T-bone steak just before eating it—this will make tearing it apart with your bare hands mere child’s play!

What a performative fantasia of fantasticalness! We’ll say it again: You’ll be amazed how versatile your

gourmet sticks with different shaped endings©

can be as you find new ways to utilize them over and over with all the benefits you can’t help but receive. So new and special we cannot find any words! So be the first on your block to pick up your very own unique and irreplaceable

Available in three memorable finishes:
~ Lead ~ Lead with friable asbestos padding ~ Pewter with lead dust. ~


Giant Floating Water Houses

Be the envy of your local Red Cross search-and-rescue squad in one of our
miraculous, amazing new

We know how frustrating it can be, night after night, tossing an entire room’s worth of furniture off Santa Monica pier in preparation for a relaxing movie night with friends, only to have it all sink into the thundering waves then vanish without trace.

No need to explain. WE. GET. IT.

Your marine misery doesn’t end there!

Are you tired of having to doggie paddle while whipping up a chocolate dessert soufflé for twelve dressed in scuba gear? Are you pissed off from juggling little one-cup ramekins of crème brulée even while the electric range sputters and sparks, absolutely refuses to float or stay steady and ultimately electrocutes you? What an importunate hassle!

Well, it’s time to get excited! Yes, sirree!

Here comes the solution you’ve been praying for, and please shout “Ta-DA” after the big reveal: Giant Floating Water Houses!

I’m listening. Guys?

OK, no one shouted “Ta-DA”. Don’t question how I know, I just know. Let’s try a different tack here: If you’re excited, type I’M EXCITED in the comments! Or not! Jeezus Murphy!

We at GFWH, frustrated with our own stymied attempts to lead a simple, non-rat-racey, back-to-the-land existence on the ocean waves while staying within our budget of twenty-five million tops, including tax, have spent literally years engineering our solution, so you could enjoy the result: all the comforts of home while floating ON the water, not sinking IN the water! Even though it hardly seems worth the trouble in retrospect. Those who give a shit, read on. Those who’re so totally cool they don’t care, go ahead and grow your Twitter bot farm as your viable side hustle. That’ll increase your popularity for sure.

Miraculous Discovery of Wonderfulness!

Our unique, patented process provides thick, almost impenetrable horizontal and vertical barriers, called underneaths and hide-persons, that keeps the water on one side only!

Here’s how it works: In layman’s terms, when water comes into quantum molecular contact with either an underneath or a hide-person, it experiences a traumatic moment of non-recognition, ceases to be water, and just slides right off.

Still too complex for you? OK, you’ve probably heard the expression, “Water off a Duck’s Back”? Well, this is nothing like that. Please try to work with me here and not be so high-maintenance.

Getting back, after that interruption, to our Giant Floating Water House: Relax in your lounging area, on a lounger, or, if you prefer, a chaise longue, but either way wearing your lounge pants, all while sipping a refreshing glass of the salty deep—but this time without the tedious coughing, spluttering and filling your lungs with sea liquid until they literally burst, leaving your guests feeling abandoned and obliged to make their own rum toddies and swap wives without a referee. Bummer!

Impatient at being left out and wanting to whip up a revenge soufflé? No problem! Use our special patent-pending Room Changing Hole®—a rectangle of vacant space which has been specially secured, then had the wall built up around it, in a feat of engineering wonder that will have you gaping!

Simply insert your left foot, then your right foot into the Room Changing Hole, continue alternating feet until one foot is inside the space you’re traveling to, and—voila! Like magic, you’re now in the kitchen, ready to cook up a storm! Time to toss that scuba gear, and get back to the sensual clothing materials you love, like aluminum foil, balsa wood and paper towels!

UH-oh! No more getting up in the night to make water, then, unbeknownst to you, plunging into the realm of mighty Poseidon and being swept out on the undertow! Just piss over the railings like normal people, always taking wind direction into account in your calculations!

Enjoy all the latest modern conveniences on your Giant Floating Water House. Not feelin’ the love for your luxurious meal-time repasts? No problemo! Simply wait until everyone’s looking the other way, quietly take your plate, and head to the Secret Food Disposal Room, where you can tip the entire mish-mash of hateful comestibles into a special, exquisitely-shaped white porcelain bowl, then press a button.

Voila! To an amusing soundtrack of car horns, piccolos, Early Music flutes and garden hose honks, those unpleasant potatoes, tomatoes and half-congealed blobs of protein just swirl away into the land of Who Thought Up This Disgusting Excretion Boondoggle?

And if you can’t slip away like a sneak in the night, simply arise from the table with everyone else, join the orderly line-up and, when your turn comes, drop your meal, plate and all, into the Special Unpleasant Meal Amnesiac-er. Its twirling blades and ear-splitting impact hammers reassure you that it’s making swift work of grinding stoneware, porcelain, fine china, OK China, cheap china made in China, and inscrutable Jeezus Murphy what the fuck is this latest development in China.

And when the sun goes down into its wave-y watery nest of golden rosy wonder, what nubile delights of the flesh await you! Forget the inflatable raft shaped like a fried egg that’s been flipping you once over easy! HA! Your heavy day of leisure is done! Time to flip-flop through your room changing hole to the Flesh Nest where you may co-mingle with the myriad specimens of willing subordinate fabricated female pulchritude fresh from the AI Department.

Your ten malleable misses included with every purchase are waiting for you, spread-eagle, listening to the Goldberg Variations and pre-engineered to instantly bond with you through our special turbocharged Emotional Connection App: That means these labile love bunnies are not just affectionate: they’re relentlessly focused and already totally codependent with you at longitudinal case-study levels.

Here at the world wide headquarters where Giant Floating Water Houses first saw the tea lights, we like to say: When the waves take you low—you go high! And then low! And then high! Low! High! Low! High! Low! And then you start to vomit, then that sets off a chain, then pretty soon everyone is vomiting, and so on and so forth! Good times, matey! Arr-arr!

Words of time-immemorial wisdomosity perchance? We like to think so!

Little ones cranky and restless at the table? Wishing you’d left them at home? Use this priceless teaching opportunity, and your Giant Floating Water House, to casually set the course of their entire life from that moment forward with no hope of redemption—

Gather the wailing infants and squalling ankle-biters in your Special Flotation Colander® and lower it right onto the gently billowing waves. Who can doubt that a splendidly relaxing honeymoon for one in Sarnia awaits you?

Or that you’re on top of the world in one of our special,

Giant Floating Water Houses

“Wherever good vibes are sold”


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