Because It Feels So Good When You Stop

nothing like expecting the world to thank you because you’ve decided you’re not after all going to continue drowning us in the tub, then slit your wrists.

Justin Trudeau was the first world leader who President-Elect Biden spoke to. Justin and Biden. This means we’ve traveled back in time to that gold-misted Camelot of 2008 to 2016, to when the world was approaching normal.

Well, you know. Approaching normal in that Republican-filibustering, Merrick Garland-denying, “one-term President”-vowing, QAnon-breeding, autocracy-enabling, White-Supremacy-affirming kind of approaching-normal way.

Am I awake? Is it over? Am I here, is this real?

I don’t think I can cope with normal any more. I’m ruined. I’m just a husk. Check out my dead eyes. Close those curtains, dammit. Hand me the next litre of Kawartha Lakes French Vanilla. No spoon, thanks. I’ll just cry on it until it melts, then use a straw.

All over America, numbskulls are dancing in the streets—that’s right! It’s not “Muslims” this time “celebrating 9/11.” It’s those self-loving, humorless, amnesiac Americans, those little freckle-faced rascals, the ones who elected Trump back a thousand years ago.

Think of what we’ve all endured. Let’s make it into a game. See what you can remember, and let’s compare lists. Feel free to take your double dose of clonazepam first. Ready, set, go:

What I remember from the past four years:

  1. “The most people at an inauguration, ever”
  2. Muslim travel bans
  3. Children separated from their families and put in cages
  4. Over twenty accusations of sexual assault against the POTUS
  5. The Trump Foundation (charity) revealed as just an illegal shell for campaign donations
  6. The demonizing of racial minorities with dehumanizing insults
  7. Revelations that Russia interfered in the 2016 election with disinformation campaigns via social media, especially Facebook
  8. Over twenty thousand lies counted by the Washington Post and other mainstream media
  9. The Oval Office to Prison Pipeline, including a prison sentence for Michael Cohen, who paid prostitutes not to testify against the President (interfering with a witness)
  10. Breaking of the Paris Accord on climate change and repudiation of NATO, to the detriment of world peace and security
  11. Impeachment of the president based on soliciting intel on political rivals from a foreign power (Ukraine) and making military aid money contingent on receiving this, while witnesses endured spiteful retaliation for their testimony; an impeachment which the Senate refused to ratify despite copious evidence
  12. Co-opting of the Department of Justice, including commuting or reducing the already handed down prison sentences of Trump’s cronies
  13. The appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, despite testimony from a brave and patriotic alleged rape victim, who then was mocked and vilified by Trump at rallies
  14. Russian murders of American servicemen in Afghanistan revealed with no comment or action by their own government
  15. Unilateral withdrawal of military aid in North Syria and abandoning Kurdish allies to the enemy
  16. Reckless missile attack to kill Iranian general, resulting in the accidental shooting down of a passenger aircraft mistakenly thought by Iran to be an American attack and subsequent Canadian/Iranian civilian deaths
  17. No action taken on the horrific murder and dismemberment, in the Saudi Embassy, of a prominent Saudi journalist based in Washington
  18. Meaningless trade wars with Canada and China
  19. Involvement of Canada in the arrest of the CEO of Huawei and subsequent Chinese hostage-taking of two Canadian citizens in retaliation
  20. Opening of the Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling and general rolling back of decades of environmental protection
  21. Falsely characterizing climate change as a “hoax” and general repudiation of science, to the detriment of the environment and public discourse and consensus
  22. Number one in fatalities and cases of COVID-19 in the world, largely due to discarding Obama’s already-in-place pandemic plan
  23. Attempts to dismantle the Affordable Care Act during a pandemic
  24. Suggestions about ingesting bleach and other bizarre and bogus “cures”
  25. Refusal to heed the medical advice of Dr Fauci, a world-renowned immunologist and researcher, a true hero who tirelessly worked at the highest levels to obtain funding that led to a viable treatment for AIDS in the 1980s and 1990s
  26. Stirring up and exacerbating unrest by egging on anti-mask protesters, who were later revealed to have planned to kidnap the governor of Michigan
  27. Smear campaigns against distinguished medical advisors and opposing politicians
  28. Public overtures to and deference to Vladimir Putin while demeaning and questioning the work of the dedicated staff of Homeland Security, the NSA and the FBI
  29. Overt support for white supremacist movements
  30. Demonizing of peaceful protest, including “disappearing” of protesters in unmarked vans
  31. Threats to suppress protest using the military
  32. Stacking the Supreme Court by Republicans before the election, in clear and cynical violation of the Republicans’ own stated principles of “letting the people decide.”
  33. Rampant and unapologetic voter suppression, including casting doubt on the validity of the elections process and allegations of fraud with no evidence
  34. Recorded evidence of a phone call in which Trump pressured the Governor of Georgia to “find” more votes for the Republican candidates
  35. Sixty-two frivolous and bad-faith legal challenges attempting to invalidate legitimate mail-in votes on technicalities, all but one denied by the Supreme Court (including justices appointed by Trump)
  36. Refusal to commit to a peaceful transition of power when asked
  37. Vilifying the media as “fake” and “anti-American”
  38. Refusal to concede the results of the election by Trump and senior Republicans
  39. The general reduction of politics to an exchange of ad hominem attacks and mud-slinging, including suggesting that Hillary Clinton and others would be imprisoned
  40. General undermining of the rule of law in a country whose citizens apparently believe in trial by vigilante...

…Oh god, don’t make me go on. That’s only the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

Dear America: You are the vacuum cleaner salesman who throws a fistful of soil onto his prospect’s carpet, then vacuums it up. All you’ve done is clean up your own shit, while the houseperson thinks, “Hell, my carpet never gets that dirty!”

You are the broken arm that takes eight months to heal, wrapped up in plaster, and when the cast is finally cast off, you’re almost back where you started from, except for the next six months of physio that’s needed to actually get you back where you started from, and that stink of old skin and stale sweat that lingers.

Honestly. America, you did it. You took dad’s car out on Saturday night without permission, ignored dad’s advice, got drunk, and totalled the car. Your date was decapitated and the rear passengers were burned to a crisp in the resulting inferno. YOU survived, though. What the hell. There’s girls with bigger tits! Chill, bro.

Then you took four years and hit the smouldering wreckage with a sledge hammer until, all of a sudden, after four years, you had your morning Coors and saw the light—and stopped hitting the wreckage with a sledge hammer.

“What a fucker of night out, eh? Damn! Wait’ll Dad hears about THIS one!”

That’s what you just did, America. And for that you want a Miss America bouquet, a new musical by Sondheim, a plaque on every blue-voting door, a hearty, congratulatory slap on the back, and maybe even a Havana cigar, except, you know.


You all but destroyed democracy, bred ill-will and division to the point that gun-totin’ QAnons are hell-bent on violent protest and even threatening civil war; you made hatred not just acceptable but mandatory; then you said, “OK, that was interesting, but—just kidding! Now let’s not do those things.”

That is, except for the ever-trumpers, who are, incredibly, still fans, who said, please, could you keep on doing those things, because, Rebel. Man of the people.

Now Biden and Harris have the task of clearing up the mess, and once they’re done, you’ll just have a semblance of normal. No progress. Just back to where you were. You’re a marathon runner who doesn’t run, just stands at the starting line and waits until he senses the others approaching then declares victory.

Not doing destructive things is not something you get prizes for, America. Correcting a ghastly mistake doesn’t give you the mandate to tell us how wonderful you are. I’m still sending you to bed without supper. And you’re still the same dumb-as-rocks, arrogant, ignorant, self-serving brats you were in 2016.

And, god—I love ya.


Tell us what you think. Keep it civil, yet interesting.