Ballad of the Good Shepherd Sandwich (NSFW)

The plastic sandwich bag from the shelter was helpfully labelled “God loves you. Ham and Cheese.” I took it from there… into a realm of pure, puerile, polymorphous perverse filth, so, like, NSFW. Or anywhere, really. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.



That seemed to help him cope
No matter he was prayin’
Or crazy high on dope

When Mama of a Sunday
Would say, “By Blessed Jeez
Come stick it in me!” he would say,
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!”


Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My mama was the kinda whore
Who’s happy on her knees!

Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
It’s such a fine position
Gawd blesses yer emission!

Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!


My girl ‘n I was walkin’

Her hand was holdin’ mine
She tired of the talkin’
So she took a swig of wine

Soon Darlene was a-pantin’
She said, “Oh, Abner, please!
Let’s get a room in Scranton,
Say ya luvs me, Ham ‘n Cheese!


Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My Darlene learned to spread her legs
An’ not be such a tease!

Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
You’ll never hear her bitchin’
Just grab yer cock and pitch in!

Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!


Now Papa was a sly one

He lusted for my girl
So Mama said, “Go try one
And take that precious pearl!

Soon Darlene was all frisky
And liftin’ up her skirt
She said, “Papa, more whiskey,
Please! Gawd bang me for a flirt!


Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My Darlene was a nature girl
She loved the birds ‘n bees

Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
Once Darlene fucked my pappa
Ain’t nothin’ that could stoppa!

Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!


Now Mama liked some carpet

To munch on for a treat
She told Darlene, “You starp et!
An’ hands off my man’s meat!

Just lay down in the corn patch
And don’t you min’ the fleas
Let Mama lick your worn snatch
Ma loves ya, Ham ‘n cheese!


Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
If Darlene is the padlock
Then Mama’s got the keys!

Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
A muff dive by the tractor
It’s just another factor

Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!

{Black gold, Texas tea}


One mornin’ all the horses

Was neighin’ such a flack
Then Abner found the farmhand
Balls-naked on his back

He said, “Come fuck me, Abner
“For if I may be blunt
“You only have to close your eyes
“And any hole’s a

“pretty good substitute for the female parts, in a pinch, that is. Don’t mean yer a homo or nothin’!’ Why not give it a whirl? OK… I guess we could jus’ kick back and watch some porn on my Apple Watch. Yes, no? Kinda thang…?”


Ham ‘n Cheese, Ham ‘n Cheese
When pussy ain’t available
Just heed the farmhand’s pleas

Ham ‘n Cheese, Ham ‘n Cheese
Now Abner, when he can, hunts
For juicy, local man-cunts

Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n Cheese!


One Sunday they was drinkin’

And feelin’ no more pain
Ma, Pa, Darlene, the farmhand, too
Was screwin’ in a chain

From the fence Ab took a picket
And stabbed them all to death—!

Called the station for a ticket
While they cried with their last breath:


Ham ‘n cheese, ham ‘n cheese
That’s why Gawd gave us Satan’s tools,
Our cocks ‘n cunts to please!”

Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese

Their lives they all have ceased now
Abner’s gone to be a priest now

He’s learned the Catholic Credo—
Jeezus wants him for a pedo!

Jeezus luvs him, ham ‘n cheese!

Ham ‘n cheese… Ham ‘n cheese…
Ham ‘n cheese… Ham ‘n cheese…

{Y’all come back ‘n screw a while, ya hear?}


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