The plastic sandwich bag from the shelter was helpfully labelled “God loves you. Ham and Cheese.” I took it from there… into a realm of pure, puerile, polymorphous perverse filth, so, like, NSFW. Or anywhere, really. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
MY PAPPA HAD A SAYIN’
That seemed to help him cope
No matter he was prayin’
Or crazy high on dope
When Mama of a Sunday
Would say, “By Blessed Jeez
“Come stick it in me!” he would say,
“Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!”
CHORUS:
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My mama was the kinda whore
Who’s happy on her knees!
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
It’s such a fine position
Gawd blesses yer emission!
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!
My girl ‘n I was walkin’
Her hand was holdin’ mine
She tired of the talkin’
So she took a swig of wine
Soon Darlene was a-pantin’
She said, “Oh, Abner, please!
“Let’s get a room in Scranton,
“Say ya luvs me, Ham ‘n Cheese!”
CHORUS:
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My Darlene learned to spread her legs
An’ not be such a tease!
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
You’ll never hear her bitchin’
Just grab yer cock and pitch in!
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!
Now Papa was a sly one
He lusted for my girl
So Mama said, “Go try one
“And take that precious pearl!”
Soon Darlene was all frisky
And liftin’ up her skirt
She said, “Papa, more whiskey,
“Please! Gawd bang me for a flirt!”
CHORUS:
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
My Darlene was a nature girl
She loved the birds ‘n bees
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
Once Darlene fucked my pappa
Ain’t nothin’ that could stoppa!
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!
Now Mama liked some carpet
To munch on for a treat
She told Darlene, “You starp et!
“An’ hands off my man’s meat!
“Just lay down in the corn patch
“And don’t you min’ the fleas
“Let Mama lick your worn snatch
“Ma loves ya, Ham ‘n cheese!”
CHORUS:
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
If Darlene is the padlock
Then Mama’s got the keys!
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
A muff dive by the tractor
It’s just another factor
Why
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n cheese!
{Black gold, Texas tea}
One mornin’ all the horses
Was neighin’ such a flack
Then Abner found the farmhand
Balls-naked on his back
He said, “Come fuck me, Abner
“For if I may be blunt
“You only have to close your eyes
“And any hole’s a
“pretty good substitute for the female parts, in a pinch, that is. Don’t mean yer a homo or nothin’!’ Why not give it a whirl? OK… I guess we could jus’ kick back and watch some porn on my Apple Watch. Yes, no? Kinda thang…?”
CHORUS:
Ham ‘n Cheese, Ham ‘n Cheese
When pussy ain’t available
Just heed the farmhand’s pleas
Ham ‘n Cheese, Ham ‘n Cheese
Now Abner, when he can, hunts
For juicy, local man-cunts
Gawd luvs ya, Ham ‘n Cheese!
One Sunday they was drinkin’
And feelin’ no more pain
Ma, Pa, Darlene, the farmhand, too
Was screwin’ in a chain
From the fence Ab took a picket
And stabbed them all to death—!
Called the station for a ticket
While they cried with their last breath:
CHORUS:
“Ham ‘n cheese, ham ‘n cheese
“That’s why Gawd gave us Satan’s tools,
“Our cocks ‘n cunts to please!”
Ham ‘n cheese, Ham ‘n cheese
Their lives they all have ceased now
Abner’s gone to be a priest now
He’s learned the Catholic Credo—
Jeezus wants him for a pedo!
Jeezus luvs him, ham ‘n cheese!
Ham ‘n cheese… Ham ‘n cheese…
Ham ‘n cheese… Ham ‘n cheese…
{Y’all come back ‘n screw a while, ya hear?}
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