Monday Man-Crush # 4: Hasan Minhaj

Hotter than vindaloo, American as apple pie


Hasan Minhaj

Yes, indeed, it’s time once again for me to thrust my sexuality down your throats in the form of a putative hetero male whose tidal wave of testosterone wakes me from my half-dead torpor, sets my jowls a-jigglin’, makes my sap run sweet like a frisky sugar maple, causes my dry twig to burst into inflorescence like an apple tree in May, blah blah blah, and generally, to be blunt, makes this libtard hard.

I’m talking of course about my recurring feature—recurring like Halley’s Comet or like the irregular pulse of a quasar reverberating through one of the infinite number of multiverses, which is to say, recurring when I remember about it—Monday Man-Crush.

Today’s unwilling and blissfully unaware victim is the luscious Hasan Minhaj, poster boy for second-generation immigrant smarts, Muslim man-lust-ability, and Hasan, baby, where have you been all my life? (Well, mostly he’s been unborn, seeing as he’s just thirty-four years old. I have the hots for someone who was a fetus for the majority of my formative years? Ewwwwwww! Dessert conversation!?)

Born in California to immigrant parents, Minhaj was the cliché family-bound, dutiful, hard-studying son, heading first to the expected pre-law, then to the even more expected pre-med. But during his secret excursions to the city when he’d pretend to be at the library, he gradually became a connoisseur of stand-up comedy acts.

Then he had a revelation: these comedians were not really doing anything so out of reach—his presentations of practice cases in front of his law class already mixed logic with an insightful humor that often had his surprised, appreciative classmates in fits of laughter. He seized on this model and never looked back, and now his quick wit and earnest yet passionate style are the secret sauce for his award-winning politically- and socially- informed stand-up satire.

Not to neglect mentioning that lover boy has that wiry build, intensity, dark looks and five-o’clock shadow that make me weak at the knees.

Hasan can currently be seen in his series “Patriot Act” on Netflix, and you can see the odd episode on YouTube as well (the link I provide below is to YouTube). The title is punningly ironic and an unmistakeable dig a White House that without question would ban Muslims from entering the US completely if it could. Patriot Act takes the “demon” out of “demonstration” and rehabilitates criticism and satire. Because, if you truly love your country, you’ll point out where it falls short, right? Tough love.

Patriot Act is didactic in a fun way. Last night, which is when I became smitten, I watched the episode Why Billionaires Won’t Save Us,” (YouTube link; opens in a new tab) his reasoned yet far from obvious explanation of why billionaire philanthropy sounds much, much better than it is. Hasan cuts through the crap, peels the rind from received wisdom and gets us to the core. Which in this case boils down to: Billionaire philanthropists end up having way too much power to engineer society single-handedly, without our input. Their philanthropic actions seem like incredible generosity, but in fact are always self-serving and bypass any oversight or democratic process.

Husan is not necessarily fall-about funny. He’s sharp-tongued, quick, analytical, witty. He uses humor to explain what we need to know in an engaging and unique way, and he is today’s Monday Man-Crush!

If only I could bear his children.


Not wishing merely to fob you off with dreams of unobtainable dick, I offer for your enjoyment a sign spotted on a local fruit stand, proudly proclaiming its “Fresh Red Gapes.”

As a friend of mine remarked, “Not even a hint of an ‘r’!”

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2 thoughts on “Monday Man-Crush # 4: Hasan Minhaj

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