These kids are the future. Assuming we have one.
I’VE BEEN UNDERCOVER IN MY SAILOR SUIT AND adorable Hudson’s Bay dress shorts (available in Québec only in polyester, due to the current shortage of “pure laine;” nous sommes très très fucking désolés), chatting about Dr Seuss and reminiscing about The Friendly Giant with unsuspecting school-age Gen Zed-ers as they go about their daily activities.
I tell you, looking authentic while trading prosciutto di Parma and Dijon mustard sliders on artisanal focaccia at lunch break, or fake-crying when it was time for yet another “milk and cookies power-nap,” stretched my humorous-blogger incognito reporting skills, and my already gossamer-thin patience, to the limit and beyond.
But I did net the following cultural gold: Non-traditional skipping rhymes, who knew, and I have to say these kids are the future, always assuming we have one.
And it’s off I go for another “Ankle-Biter” portion of chicken nuggets and French fries at Pickle Barrel or I’ll start to get cranky around four o’clock, which is typically when my ADHD kicks in.
Skipping Rhymes of Gen Z
“Here in Toronto”
In case you’re thinking of visiting The Big Smoke, here’s an Insider Tip: We have a unique way of greeting each other on the street. Memorize this, and you’ll sound like a native:
Fred: “OMG, hey, the Chinese are buying all the condos!”
Jim: “Fine, thanks, Fred—and how’s the wife and kids?”
Here in Toronto
Housing is a bitch
“Hordes from China,
Stinking rich!”
White Torontonians
Cry, “What cheek!
How many condos
Bought this week?“
One condo
Two condos
Three condos
Four?
Mandarin on
A red front door
Five condos
Six condos
Seven condos
Eight?
Let us natives
Speculate!
Cut down trees
And pave the lawn
For practising
Tai Chi at dawn!
What’s wrong with
Buying condos, please?
The hordes from China are—
All Chinese!
(— From the archives of the Canadian National Railway)
“Justin Scandals, Count How Many”
(best for kids who are already proficient in math)
Justin scandals
Count how many!
ONE for blackface
(How embarrassing!)
TWO for a journalist’s
Sexual harassing
THREE for India
Shoe toes curly
Wearin’ a sari
Lookin’ all girly
Justin scandals
Count how many
FOUR for Jody
Attorney G
He broke her balls
Over SNC
FIVE for comrade
Castro, Fidel
He eulogized
So we gave him hell
SIX is the pipeline
We don’t like
Tell Alberta
To take a hike
“Feminist! Snowflake!
“Drama teacher!
“Manliness
“Is not a feature!“
Seven, Eight, Nine
WE charity guys
Employed his family
(Big surprise!)
Interns waved
Goodbye to summer
And so it went
From dumb to dumber
A worthy cause had
Met its doom
Cause Justin
Couldn’t leave the room.
(— first heard around 1996? during “International Men’s Day.” Hey, isn’t that every day? Ok, ok, just asking. Sheesh.)
“If The CPC*
Were At The Top”
* The Conservative Party of Canada
They used to be called the “Progressive Conservatives.” This became an oxymoron in the 1980’s, and just plain old moron around 2016.
If the CPC
Were at the top
How many abortions
would they stop?
One a day
Two a day
Three four five?
Keep
Those embryos
Alive!
Rusty coat hanger
Dish soap mild
Then jump off a table
And lose that child!
If the CPC could
Could have its way
They’d lock you up
If you were gay!
They pretend
They’re just political
(Actually —
They’re quite Levitical)
Six friends of Dorothy
AIDS you’re dead
Sodom and Gomorrah
In a marriage bed!
Seven in leather
Or Eight in drag
Nine skinheads
Beating an invisible fag!
“Maxime Bernier Isn’t Gay”
He really isn’t, you know. He’s just scared people think he is! Which maybe means he is. I dunno. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. It’s a mystery!
Anyway, one thing’s for sure: He’s “leader” of the People’s Party of Canada. And what could possibly be totally whack-job about a political party with “people” in its name? Right?
Maxime Bernier
Isn’t gay
He just likes to
Be au fait
Maxime Bernier’s
Heterosexual!
Why so camp?
It’s just contextual
“Be my beard,
Julie Couillard, sweet!
Populists
Should be discreet!
“Beard me, Julie, please,
Just this one time
(You’ve got bikers
For a fun time)
“Beard me twice,
I’m such a charmer!
(When you’re not a
Québécois
Dairy farmer)
“Beard me three times
Beard me four—
Top-Secret files
On your bedroom floor!
“Beard me five six
Seven eight nine
Calisse de tabernak!!
I must resign!!”
Maxime Bernier
Isn’t gay
Julie says:
” ‘E’s not ‘zat way’!”
(Julie doesn’t care,
‘Cause, gay or straight
She’s really only
Screwing for the
Real estate!)
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