I TEND NOT TO PONTIFICATE ON TOPICS THAT don’t concern, indeed entirely focus on, me, mainly because I have a short attention span, and I’m, you know.
Also I’m a lazy narcissist. This is becoming worse with age, probably due to the around-the-clock ministrations of a veritable army of narcissism acolytes — uniform: flip-flops, black net tank top, Muir cap and a jockstrap worn backwards — whom I’ve employed with the directive to shield me from any evidence that anything outside of me exists.
You’ll notice the spanner in the ointment here: Because, if nothing exists outside of me, how did that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, “Dare” Maple Creme cookie and Shirley Temple cocktail with parasol and maraschino cherry end up on my TV-table?
It all feels like just too much damn mental work on a Monday in July, with the glorious sun beckoning and my rent money squandered on food, indigenous cigarettes and triple-thick Depends (the ones with the velcro so you can stick them onto the gusset of your dad pants, $88 on special at GAP, before hiking the waistband up under your armpits and tucking in your egg-yolk-stained cardigan).
But once in a while I accidentally fire up Netscape Navigator by narcoleptically crashing forward onto the giant “World Wide Web!” button of my vintage Amstrad, and then I’m forced to concede that everyone seems damn taken up with the fake news and the miniature actors, small enough to fit inside the CRT monitor, that are not me.
Paris Hilton is so small she could acqua-vac your nasal passages, scrape the saturated fat out of your ventricles, then drop out of your urethra without even removing her pumps. I know what I’m revealing here has apparently been common knowledge since March 2017, but time slows to a halt under my chunk of meteorite and heaping scorn on a product this cretinous is always relevant.
For Paris Hilton — without sending me a fax to get my imprimatur, thus putting her on my Personal Shit List — has invented a product which solves your problem of being rich and bored by enabling you to miniaturize your stupidity and feed it to frogs.
Bonus: When Armageddon comes because all fresh water is owned by corporations, instead of being wiped out by a smart bomb from Nestlé, you can simply choose to bitch-slap your way through an army of torpedo-breasted, pink-clad Paris-bots guarding the three inches of water left in Lake Superior while clutching your 5mL refillable plastic nano-bottles. Because if experience is anything to go by, you’re all quite capable of buying 5,000 bottles of water a day instead of one, so not one thing will have changed.
But how about turning on the friggin’ TAP, NOW, before it’s too late?
How about admitting you’ve been had by the marketing that convinces you that bottled water is better and safer than the water which runs out of your tap, when it is THE VERY SAME WATER, stolen by corporations with NO INTEREST in your well-being and EVERY interest in maximizing their profits, stolen and rebranded as a lifestyle accessory that you have to BUY?
Water belongs to the human race, not to the nameless, faceless psychopaths in blue suits called corporations. Water is our birthright and it is a question of LIFE OR DEATH, because we can’t survive more than five days without it.
Let me say that again: Without water you have FIVE DAYS TO LIVE. And our water is being bought up by corporations who know that water scarcity is going to be a big money-maker. They have absolutely no right to do this — all they have is the rapacious appetite to sell, sell, sell, and a window of opportunity, like the one you give the guy who takes the wallet you left on a park bench. Corporations are counting on our laziness, ignorance, sense of helplessness and distraction.
Here’s a halo action for you that involves no work, no thought, saves you money and uses the plumbing you already have.
Stop buying bottled water.
By not buying bottled water, you’re also affirming your belief in our common ownership of this planet and its resources, and sticking it to the companies like Nestlé, the bullies who are actually planning to profit from a scarcity of our most precious common resource.