Can You Spot All Eight TrumpTicks On This Muffin? CDC Creeps Out Internet With Horrific Viral Post!


trumptick

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have tweeted a photo of a muffin that has ruined muffins for everybody.

Trumpticks, with their tiny minds and even twinier hwands, can totally spoil your day should you accidentally ingest some of their toxic ideas, which have been described as “completely indigestible”.

The merest nibble on a half-baked Trumptick can cause Alzheimer’s-like confusion, inability to deal with progress and a compulsion to spew out any old dumb, offensive nonsense the second it occurs to you.  Advanced symptoms include pulling weird faces while standing in front of a lectern, shrinkage of the brain to pin size, and lopsided hair that takes on a repellent, orangey sheen.  Pretty soon you’re running to your kids’ school with guns for all the teachers, compulsively pressing elevator buttons and phoning out for Korean barbecue with “the nuclear option”.

If you see a Trumptick that’s latched onto you, DO NOT SQUEEZE ITS HEAD, which is empty anyway, and kind of a gross out.  Take a big pair of tweezers and pull slowly while chanting, “This is how to make America great again”.  It’s a lot easier than you think.

Once you’ve done that, just call Nancy Pelosi.  She can’t help, but, you know.

She’d appreciate the attention.

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2 comments

    1. The original (yes, I borrowed the muffin pic and headline from a news article online, so send me to Guantanamo Bay in chains) was grosser, seeing as the ticks did not have little Trump heads and twiny hwands, but were exactly like poppy seeds, but with legs, antennae and one or two with monocles, obviously high-end elderly. Think “Forest Hill Retirement Home”.
      Speaking of gross-out, I had to go lie down in a state of hyperventilation at the permanently-implanted mental image of you “ejecting” (always one of my favorite word choices in conjunction with food or drink) your cider across the room. Thanks also for showing off your mastery of the rhetorical device of apophasis by including the redundant “from my mouth”, which then makes me think of the anatomical locations from which you DIDN’T spew by not mentioning them. Searching for a bungee cord to use as brain floss.

      All things considered, it makes me long to whisk you away to Mar-A-Lago, stand you in front of Melania, serve you a cider top-up, then show you a picture of a muffin with Trumpticks.

      “Thanks for reaching out!”

      Like

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