Malocchio, malocchio!!* Il divertimento
non si ferma mai !!** as we dance the tarantella down Tomato-Sauce Lane into my roach-infested yet homey Toronto kitchen. The occasion: The very first episode of my putative new series! Whatever “putative” means!
- how to make sauce from a pan you used several days ago and didn’t wash
- the never-before-revealed experts’ secrets for correctly pricking your meat
- why you should never grab a metal spoon you’ve left in the sauce for an hour
and so much more!
As a special bonus, you’ll get to roll your eyes as I miss the crucial plating moment and end up with mis-synch’d audio and video tracks.
Not forgetting that I held the fucking camera the wrong way. Nothing says “I want to be a feature film maker but can’t even handle my smartphone” like eight minutes of footage in PORTRAIT MODE!!
Anything to make you feel more competent, baby! Buon appetito!
Poverty never tasted so Mm! mm! goood!™
F R O M M Y S Q U A L I D K I T C H E N™
**Il divertimento non si ferma mai: “The fun never stops”, but translated by Google, so it might very well actually mean “Traffic will be diverted from May 1st”. Ask a native speaker if it means so much to you.
* Malocchio: Old Italian nonna [grandma, but with all the Anglo niceness and sweetness removed and replaced with pure malice and possibly a moustache] dressed head to toe in black, jabbing her fingers at you so that you get the evil eye [mal + occhio]. Your testicles will immediately shrivel up with fear and you will regret every sin you ever committed that an old Italian nonna in black might have not wanted to see, but did.
Soon thereafter you will die under the merciless Sicilian sun beside a withered cypress tree, with crows flying overhead, and the nonna and her old Italian nonna friends (amici) will be wailing with wordless ancient sorrow over your mutilated corpse, even though they are the ones who did the mutilating.
Kind of thing.
Not to be confused with “Pinocchio”, a wooden puppet who comes to life under the bed around three AM and grows a long, phallic nose. So if you don’t die of fright, you might actually have a pretty good time. There is no good time with Malocchio. OK?
Plate: as a verb, to put the food, e.g. squalid sausages or whatever, on an actual plate before sitting at a table to eat, rather than just scooping it up in your hands and eating it like that while hoping that nothing will drip on the sofa, or sometimes not even realizing that a sofa should not have food dripped on it because you’ve been on the street so long. It depends.
Lips and Assholes: The content of cheap sausages; sometimes used erroneously to describe the videographer making and narrating a short movie. [q.v. coming out of the bathhouse all sketchy at 9AM and asking a random stranger on the street, “Does my face smell like ass?”]