Breaking News: Attorney-General Sessions calls diplomats “gossipy”; Democrats accuse Attorney-General of being “not-telling-the-truth-y”; Definition of “recuse” sought by anxious White House staff.


MARCH 3rd, 2017:

U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions today recused himself from investigations into possible Russian involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, a surprise move that had White House staff scrambling to find a copy of any dictionary they could lay their hands on.

“At first we were like, did he say excused,” said Peggy Wagstaff, Senior Technical Advisor and Playmate of the Month to President Trump, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“I was like yeah, he totally said excused, and maybe he was just, you know, having another ‘mini’ or something”, continued Ms Wagstaff.

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Peggy Wagstaff, Senior Technical Advisor and White House Playmate of the Month, arrives for “dictation”.

“But then one of the guys said, no it was refused, and where was I brought up, in a barn? and some other choice language.

“But I was like, totally sure it was excused and so were a couple other people, but the guys were like, no refused, moron, and then one of the other guys called me a stupid bimbo and grabbed my — you know.

“Well, that pretty much ended the polite part of the discussion, so we decided to find our “Pictionary” set and see who could draw it better, and then that will be what he said,” explained Ms Wagstaff.

The allegations around Sessions have invited comparisons to “Watergate”, the wiretapping scandal of 1972 that resulted in Nixon’s resignation after he attempted a cover-up, then later admitted knowledge of the events.

In some ways, however, it could be argued that such comparisons are unwarranted. Nixon’s actions in resigning clearly indicated the existence, however vestigial, of some sort of moral sense, and his cover-up, though unsuccessful, demonstrated at least the attempt to deceive the public.

So no worries on either score, and can we please just ease up on the Watergate thing.

Nonetheless, what about the calls for Sessions’ resignation, as he is clearly guilty of perjury?

Shortly after Sessions recused himself, we contacted newly-appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos for her insights.

“Re-cused”, she responded, sounding guarded. “Did you say — hold on, can you repeat that? Your voice is breaking up. Are you on speakerphone?”

DeVos continued, “Did you mean accused or maybe reused? You sound like your parents may have scrimped on the school vouchers, honey.”

When pressed to explain, DeVos added, with obvious impatience, “Why drive a Ford when thirty thousand more will get you a Mercedes? Why settle for a tatty old second-hand Hillary when a billion gets you a shiny new Donald? You get what you pay for, yada yada.”

We also made numerous attempts to reach anyone in the Attorney General’s office who’d take the call, but without success. Clarification finally came in the form of an official statement from Sessions himself:

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

FRIENDS, and also colored folks:

I must object in the strongest terms possible to allegations by Al Franken and other anonymous Democratic sources that I discussed election rigging with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak over a simply fantastic luncheon or two.

Sorry, I mean, discussed anything with anyone.

Shit.

You know, it may seem like that’s what I said, but whatever I said just kind of slipped out under pressure, which any patriotic American will know is a key feature of witch-hunts historically, and besides, you must be imagining things.

So that’s why I make this solemn oath to the American people that next time I’m asked anything, I’ll first determine if it requires any form of truth-telling, and if it does, I will speak real slowly so I make sure to get my story straight. You heard it from me, guys: No more “oopsies”!

As for recusing myself, I always thought that was a proofreaders’ error for “refused” or “excused” but my staff tells me there’s a big old definition of recused in our Merriam-Webster dictionary. Well, well.

May I just point out that dictionaries by default share word definitions with everyone, and sharing stuff with everyone is not only gossipy—it is how Communism takes root.

It all starts out innocently enough with definitions for the masses, whether or not they deserve definitions, and the next thing you know everyone’s picking sugar beets in a workers’ collective and singing Shostakovich ‘a capella’.

But fellow Americans, I promise you one thing: by the Grace of God I will not see the Koch brothers’ invaluable time and money tossed out the window for any kind of publication that gives solace to the enemy.

Bless y’all

Jefferson Sessions

~

Kellyanne Conway is still in hiding.

~

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2 comments

    1. I will take you up on that as soon as I figure out how to sneak a caramel latte laced with arsenic through US Customs. Last time I got a “sipper”. Hoo boy…!

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