October 26, 2049
TRUMPINGTON, D.C.: The world is reeling today after results of the largest IQ test in history reveal what many of us had long suspected:
Americans are so bag-of-rocks dumb, you could pour a case of vodka down their throats and they’d STILL wonder “why people called their mom ‘crack ho’ when she’d never even been to Poland.” Seriously??!
The IQ test was designed to be as simple as possible, with straight-forward multiple-choice questions such as:
“The former New York City is now an underwater zebra mussel farm as a result of :
a) a whole bunch of socialist, leaking fire hydrants;
b) complete melting of the polar ice caps due to human-exacerbated global warming;
c) fulfillment of the End Times as described in The Book of Revelations, or was it The Secret we can never get that straight.”
Astonishingly, a quick review of the results revealed that many Americans missed the correct official answer, (a) socialist fire hydrants, casting doubt on the validity of the whole exercise.
Keeping America Stupid For Its Own Good
The testing had taken place over a period of 18 months, administered on the front parking lot of the magnificent glass-and-steel Trump Caucasian Bunker, Supreme Leader Trump’s fulfillment of his first campaign promise.
“As part of my plan to make America great again,” The Donald had reiterated throughout his months of stumping, “I will ditch all the antique crap, up to and including equal rights, that Sanders dude and, top of the list – that rickety old clam shack called the White House!
“Like, seriously,‘What a dump!!’ ”
This was consistently received with roars of approval from his supporters, although the pundits generally agree that the Bette Davis allusion was a tad recherché.
So it was with a chest-tightening pang of nostalgia that we witnessed the long-awaited test results finally being released to the public last night during the “Thinking Makes My Head Hurt, So Thank Our Supreme Leader It’s, Like, Totally OVERRRR?!” official wrap party.
And, I confess, it brought a tear even to this jaded reporter’s eye to watch some dusky-skinned Uppity’s (the new citizen-class officially referred to as “Less-Equals”, or more casually as just “niggers”) affix the print-outs to the Shaming Boards of the Imperial Dunkin’ Station – at which venue, I might add, a particularly rowdy session was in full flood.
Sorry, couldn’t resist! Geddit!? Flood!? LM friggin’ AO!!!
From Donuts to Dissent, An Idea Whose Time Had Come
Enemies of the Donald have been publicly interrogated at the Dunkin’ Station since the Year Five – or rather, “dunked”, an inspired branding which occurred to our Supreme Leader late one night while he was being fed an Entenmann’s glazed donut by a member of his intimate support team, The Comfort Chicks.
DID YOU KNOW?
Properly performed, “dunkin’s” encourage non-whites, gays, femi-Nazis and other Libtard traitors to confess their membership in blacklisted groups such as:-
Fuckin’ Jews who Read and Even Write! Books,
Fuckin’ Faggots Who Ram It Down Your Throats (and Not In A Good Way)
Fuckin’ PC Libtards Who Don’t Own A Gun
Stupid Cunts Who Refuse To Behave Like Ladies, and
Dumb Bitches Too Stupid to Cook and Too Ugly To Fuck.
Last night saw both Station and interrogators at full throttle, much to the delight of the hand-picked, all-menfolk invitees (though what a pity that fugitive “Bizzie” Lizzie Warren continues to evade justice, despite the best efforts of the Supreme Leader’s private police force to detain her.
Libtard bitch! Which leads us to:
Beloved Traditions, Burning Women
Adding to the celebratory atmosphere were the anguished, ear-piercing shrieks emanating from the Screaming Women Bonfire, for decades one of the most beloved rituals of the Trump reign, and traditionally held in the former Rose Garden.
Last night was an enjoyably raucous burning, leading many world leaders to speculate that the victims had been deliberately given hope of a reprieve, a torture known as “The Emperor’s Payback for Femi -Nazi Ball-Breakers and Cock Teasers”.
Supreme Leader Trump, eloquent as always, summed up the joyful mood of the crowd, and indeed all American menfolk, as he spoke from his customary place on the outdoor, wittily-named Equal Opportunity Fellating Platform.
Despite his advanced years—and last July’s near-catastrophe when one of the Comfort Chicks failed to notice that the “side of beef” she was defrosting for a State Barbeque was actually the cryogenically-frozen Supreme Leader—good catch, Comfort Chick Tiffany!!—Trump appeared relaxed and confident, boyish, even, his toupee rakishly askew and still glowing bright orange like a beacon of hope as he continued to receive his official blow-job from Monday’s winner and the two runners-up of the “Miss Best-Fuck-In-America-This-Week!!! Pageant”.
An Inspiration to All Retards
“My fellow Bro’s!”, he began, as the thrilled crowd of menfolk prostrated themselves, per protocol, on the groomed Astroturf. This splendid recent addition to the Bunker’s landscaping undulates gently down from the Fellating Platform, across Melania Street—as fine a cul-de-sac as ever we’ve seen—and up to the very gates of Lost Bimbo Park.
Demonstrating our Leader’s concern for those to whom life has dealt a difficult hand was the participation of the “Retardettes”, his “volunteer” group of Topless Signers for the Extra-Retarded, who conveyed his speech in Super Basic English.
“You may be dumb-ass motherfuckin’ retards”, he continued, between occasional gasps of pleasure.
“… but this is the best fuckin’ triple blowjob a Supreme Leader ever had!!! Hey, honey – watch the teeth, will ya???!!!”
Meanwhile, somewhere in the basement of the Trump Caucasian Bunker…
Hillary Rodham Clinton, convicted Femi-Nazi, Libtard,“not even particularly hot”, still behind bars at 102
In a related story, today also marked the 102nd birthday of convicted terrorist Hillary “The Hilltard” Rodham Clinton, still serving three consecutive life sentences for multiple counts of “Being an Uppity, Lying Femi-Nazi and Not Even Particularly Hot With It”, though no official acknowledgement was forthcoming.
However, the FBI did manage once again to keep up its beloved tradition of releasing each year on Clinton’s birthday another thirty-thousand emails from her private server.
These, as usual, appeared to consist mainly of shopping lists related to her ill-fated Presidential campaign, communications with the former Clinton Foundation, and plans for her daughter’s wedding, as well as a couple of submarine blueprints, the location of every ready-to-deploy smart bomb in the Middle East around 2012, and the names of all double-agents formerly active in the Russian Federation.
The last ten thousand or so were especially baffling, consisting entirely of countless iterations of the phrase, “I WILL stay at home and bake cookies…”
What was the significance to Hillary of this mysterious mantra?
Was it a signal to a shadowy cadre of underground operatives? A meditation aid?
Or did The Hilltard finally seek to express her remorse for her misguided appropriation of men’s roles, her Femi-Nazi’d, pant-suited failure to know a woman’s rightful place?
Yeah, right. That could happen.
THIS JUST IN: Hillary emails irrelevant, contain no evidence, for thirty-second consecutive year.
Former record of thirty-one consecutive years broken in surprise upset
The FBI has just issued the following statement regarding this year’s thirty-thousand Hillary emails:
Hey guys, this is, like, the FBI, soooo—you know the emails?
Yeah? OK, well just forget about them.
That’s right! Forget about the emails, guys—there’s absolutely nothing important there!
You got it: Absolutely nothing!! Nada!
I mean, not even a typo!
No crime! Not even the INTENT of a crime! Which we already knew, so like, why the heck—
Oh man… Sorry, can’t keep a straight face… LOL!!
Like we know there’s nothing there, but we release them anyway! LMAO!!
Man, are we a bunch of goofs or what??!!
Like, here’s us, releasing the emails: “Oops! Irrelevant!!”
What a big, gol-darned election-spoilin’ wank about sweet bippity-boo, right? HA HA HA!! Complete jerk-off!
Oh, my ribs! Oh, boy oh boy!!?? Jeez, gotta—calm down, here… deep breaths… deep breaths…
OK, that’s it. “Emails OK” is the message. Alrighty? Now, everyone get some sleep!
Emails. Are. Fine !!
Ok! Nighty-night! Sorry!!
And it’s nighty-night all over the republic.