I’ve been lax in my coverage of the
greatest, raunchiest, smelliest, most-filled-with-animals, free-because-they-haven’t-figured-out-a-way-to-charge-for-it-yet three-ring circus, the Amurcan elections. I admit it.
But that is about to change, with these exclusive scoops of bullshit-flavored frozen petroleum-based dessert-truthiness from SlowPainful’s tireless, probe-’em-till-it-hurts AND born-again freelance reporter, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy—who today is making her lesbian-journalistic debut with slowpainful! Let’s hear a nice round of applause for Glossolalia-Jeezus!
Did I ever mention, and were you in attendance for, the bit about never, never forgetting how good I am to you? Like not even for one second, that measurement assuming that we stay within the current Newtonian paradigm? Did I? Hmmmm?
And now, without further ado, our…
LAST-MINUTE ELECTION SHOCKER!!
With reporting by born-again journalist-on-the-go and erstwhile lesbianic messiah, Glossolalia-Jeezus “Real” McCoy.
CHICAGO:- A terrified, yet still-confused, yet ultimately still-confident, yet mostly still-obese, but when push comes to shove, ultimately, terrified, America is reeling after our publication of this Photoshopped image, exclusive to Slowpainful.com, of cloned Muslim terrorist Hitlerrat Clitsnot and her Kenyan lackey Barfass Obumbanga, depicted here at Chicago O’Hare just after their horrendous fabricated firebombing of an American Airlines jet.
How do people like this eat their in-flight dinners with a clean conscience???!! Or sleep at night?????!!!
As per typical, the Serial Killery clones are dressed in communist pantsuits in homosexuality rainbow colours, and are laughing their feminazi heads off, while that un-American NRA-hater and enemy of decent white male unemployed patriots Badatheist Oreomuslim manifests as he always does: in a cloud of black, Satanic smoke positively billowing out of any disaster you could name!!!!!???
LATEST ATTEMPTED GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER? YOU BE THE JUDGE?!!
FACT: Dozens of Killery clones are coming! THEY ARE BEING SEEDED AMONG US disguised as cheery lesbian day-care workers, auto mechanics and dog walkers! Anywhere that a pantsuit can pass unremarked upon!
IT GET’S BETTER! OR WOR’SE! Look closely at the Hitlery’s seen on top of that aircraft!
FACT: THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IS ACTUALLY NOT HER CLONE!
The FBI has hinted to me that this mysterious Islamotard-clothed person is one of soon-to-be-on-death-row President Barfly O’Bambivegan‘s hundred-thousand Satanist pedophile day care workers!
FACT: Those libtards told you they had a literacy program, but it was a front! Unbelievable!!
THOSE FILTHY SATANISTS JUST SCRAMBLED THE PROGRAM NAME!!
And you won’t believe your ears when I rearrange the words to crack the code and reveal IT’S TRUE, PEDO IDENTITY:
NO CHILD’S BEHIND LEFT!!
Americans, have you HAD ENOUGH yet?
Enuff of these female body parts and un-patriotic skin colors??
These are not just Traitor’s and Libtard’s who should be locked up!
NO IT GET’S WOR’SE!! OR BETTER!!?
Exclusive intelligence has been uncovered by us that Shillery and Barflack Obirthcertificateislam are
RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!!
Yes, my friends, “THAT” everything!
You know, the everything that’s every last fuckin’ thing from the Garden of Eden to now!
That’s six thousand years, guys, and I know, it’s hard for Jesus to get my poor sinner’s brain around that mind-boggling amount of socialist shenaniganizing!
BUT IT’S JUST SO ABSOLUTELY CROSS OF CALVARY ON MY HEART TRUE!
HOW DO THEY SLEEP WITH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT??!!
FACT: That snivelling fasci-fem Histamine Crinklecutpotatochipmussoliniton is giving the planet a headache! In more ways than one!
Seems there’s a PING sound emanating from the normal hum of the arctic, like this:
Sounds just like her, don’t it? Yep, sounds like friggin’ socialist hippy Yogatards everywhere.
And it’s not even very catchy!!
WHAT A LOSER-TARD!
Now get this, that socialist north of the border radio program the CBC – oh GAG ME! = Communist Bunch Of Crapslingers! LMAO !! – has suggested that this is related to oil fracking!
FACT: Fracking produces as much as one whole quart of oil per month, plenty to do your freedom fries in as far as I can reckon.
FACT: The Prairie Stinkwort, the state flower of Minneapolis, NEEDs fracking water to thrive, you scumbag flowertards!
FACT: Hellbully has been seen many, many times heading north on one of those Feminazi motor scooters!
YOU CAN’T FOOL US, Hellarhoid! We can put two and two together!!
HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DINNER AT NIGHT????!!!
FACT: Hippietard hired a triangle player from the New York Philharmonic and paid him $500,000 out of YOUR hard-earned taxes, just to hang out in a Russian submarine and make that PING! sound once every couple hours!!
Now there’s a fine use of your stolen money!! Howdya like your Communism now, libtards!??
That’s right, a Russian sub at the North Pole, with sex-starved and perverted Russian sailors so if her good friend Vladimir is anything to go by she’s not only a commie she’s a SHAMELESS TERROR SLUT AS WELL!
FACT: Speaking on condition of anonymity, we have evidence of an ongoing secret initiative for brainwashing citizens with electroshock therapy delivered through NPR broadcasts that makes them vote for foreigners, like our former Saudi Arabian dictator, Kenyan Bareass Oreobumslam!!
But wor’st: They also suck the real American right out of his skin, then fill him up with French or black or chinese people, OR – you guessed it! More people like HighOnDrugs Clapscrewed!
HOW DO THESE FEMI-NAZI-TARD’S EAT THEIR SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER?? AT DINNER NIGHTS!!??
FACT: Your washing machine broke down on the same day your mom died. COINCIDENCE??? Tell THAT to your typical layabout welfaretard or some Obamacare freeloader on a death panel!??
FACT: You’ve been suffering from psoriasis AND fungal infections in your toenails, not to mention your toy poodle has been crapping on the carpet again and last week he bit your cousin while she tried to turn your son into a homo! Already he likes wearing dresses what’ll happen when he’s two????!!!
FACT: Homos can now get married in some states, of which I am heartedly ashamed, BUT I TELL YA VERILY THEY WILL NEVER GET MARRIED IN THE STATE OF GRACE, AMEN, cause marriage is between ONE man and at least ONE frail, weak woman. WOMAN, NOT HARLOT!!
God will smite you into dust, Harlotry Callgirlwhoreton!!?
FACT: The world used to be flat, when Jeezus was still walking amongst us with his band of Merry Men! Yessir, His name was just like mine! Now, its going all round and such, like when you inflate that exercise ball and who the hell knows what’ll happen next, thanks to you, HorribleJewKillery Christabortionton!??
Maybe it’ll go square and those new deck chairs from Wayfair are gonna fall right off inta hell! You killed my Christ you Hillretardtheist!!!!!
FACT: Check out this picture on the left! I know!! UNBELIEVEABLE!!!??? Barbarian Oscumsuckertard legalized Bestiality in the Military! It’s right on Facebook!
So now you got your Dobermans getting shtupped by the colonels, Great Danes by the generals, and so forth, right down to Chihuahuas for the new recruits, which I guess makes sense cause they’re smaller and otherwise how would those poor little privates, what’s the word, “artificially insensitate” them? That’s what I reckon and it sure is a sad, sad day for our boys!!
And you know what el’se? You better believe they’re gonna take away our wives and give all of US dogs too, once the homos finish their agenda!
That’s right!! Thanks for making everyone homo, Hillfucktard Clitlicker!
If that’s not ENUFF PROOF FOR YOU:
WORLD WAR II, the Depression, the Titanic, the Plague, 9/11, solar flares, that chick who broke your ribs last Black Friday, North Korea, Charles Manson, that lump that just isn’t going away, the Killing Fields, AIDS, your two miscarriages, the fake moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, the moment you still regret when you told your kids to go jump in the lake and the retarded dumbass fuckers went ahead ‘n did it?
IT’S ALL FUCKIN HILLARY!!!
Please please please stop this woman
Until something else unexplained goes wrong!!
EXECUTIONS PLANNED FOR
GET YER GLOCKS AND UR COCKS REDDY AMURRICA !
ITS GONNA BE A WONDIRFUL, GOD-LUVIN’ JESUS-FUCKIN DAY!!!!!!!