Cabbage Patch Hillary, Special Presidential Edition! Just in case you thought this was gonna be easy.



A sane election campaign where the choices were clear would be:  Priceless.

The whole family will adore that mischievous moppet of mendacity, Cabbage Patch Hillary™—now available in an exclusive-to-you special Presidential Edition!

Did I say the whole family?  Yes, ma’am—especially your little Johnny who likes to dress up and perform along with that DVD of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”!  As if you didn’t know where that’s headed!

Here’s our Cabbage Patch Promise : Spend just five minutes in the same room with our special Presidential Edition and we know you’ll agree: She’s the loudest, slipperiest, most sets-your-teeth-on-edge Cabbage Patch Hillary™ ever!

You sent us your feedback — and we listened! Our completely reworked, supremely confident Cabbage Patch Hillary™ Presidential Edition admits her mistakes only when she’s forced to, and with patent insincerity — just like the real Hillary! And we’ve made it even easier to tell when she’s indulging in a little fib — it’s whenever you see her lips moving!

Has she been naughty? Of course she has! Now, just say, “Cabbage Patch Hillary — you lied!” in your saddest, most disappointed mom voice, and right on cue she’ll respond with one of three totally inadequate expressions of remorse: “I’m sorry!” — “It was all a misunderstanding!”— or “That was a mistake!”

But, wait a goldarn minute, what’s this?  Why, the little — !

Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not—before she’s even finished being sorry—she’s run right out and done the same fucktard shit all over again!

That’s right, shoppers!  She’s naughty!  Oops, she’s sorry!   No, wait, she’s naughty!  Ha ha ha!  This must be what the man meant when he said, “The fun never stops”! 

Feel like getting even more naughty-bang for your buck?   Upgrade to our Celebrity Motivational Speaker Edition for only a quarter million extra and hear her say, “Let me tell you how to get rich!”

OK now, I want to dial this back a little. That’s right, deep breaths, everyone. Time to talk some serious Hillary turkey here.  Let’s be frank — even the funnest fun wears thin eventually. We understand. There may be days when you find yourself — oh, yes — a little resentful. A little distant. Honey, we’ve been there.

But just as you begin to think you’d like nothing better than to rip her adorable little double-chinned head off for a round of waterboarding while you dispose of the torso in Her Very Own Trash Can¹, she looks at you with her weird, glassy doll eyes, cries those just-this-side-of-convincing Looks Like Real Tears™, and lisps: “Magical-White-Belted-Designer-Fweebie-Jacket” — and awwwww, shucks! Suddenly all you wanna do is dwess her up for the convention!

(Motion Graphics Bit) :

How do we do it? Our patented “Play the ‘woman’ card” technology works tirelessly behind the scenes to make you feel irrationally over-protective of Cabbage Patch Hillary™ — even though you know perfectly well she plans to bend you double post-election and shove the same twelve-inch dildo up your butt that a male candidate would! ²

Shhh! Secret!

There you go, adorable, truth-stretching little Cabbage Patch Hillary™! All is forgiven when you wear your Magical-White-Belted-Designer-Fweebie-Jacket !

Well, you know. We say “forgiven”. We mean “temporarily let you off the hook”. Potato, potahto!

Tell you what. Once this POTUS thing is outta your system and you’re back to your old, quasi-lovable “most admired Cabbage Patch Hillary in the world” thing—don’t cry, honey—we’ll invite some of your friends over,  Barbie, Liz, yeah sure, Bernie too, if we can wrangle a day pass from the “Sunset Lodge” — we’ll haul out the old Easy-Bake® oven,  and you guys can practice—you guessed it!  Staying at home and baking cookies!

Cabbage Patch Hillary™, Presidential Edition.
It’s not a choice — It’s just the only one left on the shelf !™


(OK, look, CPH, now that we’re off camera— can I be honest about the jacket? Seriously? Just between the two of us?

Shoulda gone with the Cloak of Invisibility…)

¹ Sold separately. ² Professional re-enactment, please do not attempt at home.


One comment

  1. Readers and followers: If you ‘liked’ – well, I use the word in its specific, non-traditional sense of “clicked the ‘like’ button cause I was ordered to and was scared of what would happen if I didn’t”, rather than its usual sense of “actually enjoyed reading this” – though that choice is also legitimate, so don’t get the idea that you’re not included in this comment, because that is, like, TOTALLY not true –

    What was I saying? Oh yeah –

    If you liked this piece, or even if you ‘liked’ this piece, please go to Medium, where I’ve also published it – and “like” it. (Just to be clear, either version of like). Click the little heart at the bottom of the piece. That’s right – click. C’mon, baby, click the heart. There ya go…

    In support of the “David Roddis wants to lie around doing nothing and get paid for it” fund.


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