Just Occurred To Me #498:
It’s been common knowledge for years now that people in Kansas don’t believe in evolution and insist the earth is only 6,000 years old – (that’s younger than Cher, if you need a reference – please see conceptualization, above. I know, right??).
This raises serious scientific questions.
Thing is – doesn’t their non-belief in evolution PROVE that there’s no evolution? Or is it just Kanzanians who did not evolve?
Is there such a thing as selective evolution, you know, evolution just for smart people?
Such a variant of evolution would obviously bypass Kansas completely, if not most of the mainland U.S.A.! This could explain a lot!
There is, it seems, a huge gap in the fossil record, where – if evolution were true – there should be any number of prominent Kanzanians. I’m thinking Amelia Earhart, Bob Dole, Arlen Specter, Marlin Fitzwater – of course, this being Kansas, some of their fossils are probably still walking around. Except Amelia, who, along with fictional character and fellow Kanzanian Dorothy Gale¹, was just kind of embarrassed about the whole Kansas thing and “disappeared”.
Yeah, and her stupid little dog, too. Absolutely.
Anyhoo, all of this hard evidence leads experts in Kanzology to postulate that god, when he, like, created everything all at once, reserved a special lineage for Kansas apart from regular humans.
So god’s schedule was like, for example: All the lakes, all the mountains, all the meadows, all the squirrels, all the cows, all the dogs, all the trees – then probably a coffee break! Jeez! and maybe a light snack like pizza poppers or even a Happy Meal –
THEN – back to work on day two: All the flowers, all the oceans, all the giraffes, all the insects, all the spiders, all the mushrooms. And so forth.
Then human beings. Then Kanzanians. You get the idea? Separate.
So Kanzanians are like god’s chosen, unless god was having one of his “moods” or actually just forgot and stuck them in at the end. Whatever.
It’s a head-scratcher, you bet your sweet patooty !
Re: The conceptualization, see above, which is just a fancy moniker for, like, a crude Photoshop composite.
As likely as the creationist thing sounds, I have some timing issues, and Cher, see above, is the spanner in the gears.
Honestly. See above. Take a look at this 100% accurate fake conceptualization. Can you REALLY picture Cher riding a dinosaur, see above? I mean, I grant you, this is someone who wears her pubes as a red carpet ensemble with her armpit hair as a wrap, so sure, the fashion adds up – but basically the idea is ludicrous!
And secondly, check out her face, see above. Her fake birth certificate, see below, gives a date 8,000 years ago, so her face, see above, would be, like, MUCH more haggard and wrinkled by the time she’d lived those 2,000 years before the formation of the earth! Right?
Like, has this not OCCURRED to anyone before?
And yet another mystery, what did she eat, I ask you, in the frozen wastes of space and time before the almighty got his shit together? Not even a microwave to defrost a Bird’s Eye TV dinner! Which were probably not even invented yet, so let’s say, Swanson.
OK, whichever TV dinner was around, she could toss it into a quasar, maybe, but the cooking time of one-trillionth of a trillionth of a nanosecond as compared to the conventional oven or microwave methods is tricky to manoeuvre at the best of times, without, you know, the floating-totally-weightless thing which puts the kibosh on getting your bearings with regular space-time coordinates.
And don’t even THINK about if she like, got impatient and leaned over the quasar surface to see if the Salisbury steak was done before the apple crisp.²
FOOM! A lifetime of hair abuse up the big ol’ dippity do!
I rest my case. This is the kind of rigorously scientific fake conceptualization that strikes fear into young-earthers everywhere. So take that!
Fuckin’ dumb-ass creationists.³
¹ fuckin faggot! – ed.
² Don’tcha hate that? – ed.
³ “If ah could turn back ti-i-i-i-me….” – ed.