Facebook Life Events # 492: The First Time I Have Eaten No-Name Whipped Topping Straight From The Aerosol Can, Yo!


Every so often I like to let my earlobe hair down, I mean I like to shake my pretty little white-boy booty, Uh-HUH, go all high on the hog, I mean to say, I like puttin’ ON the DAWG, YO!

Yo! may be wondering.

Like, I was cruising on my e-bike, heading the wrong way past my glass coffee table on my way to the west wing and honkin’ at those honky cats in my WAY, dammit, when a certain yellow canister caught my eye…

Oh, babeh-babeh-BABEH!

I mean, she’s slim and she’s tall, and plain as she might appear, she’s spritz-tastic, I mean she’s like No-Name-A-Licious and if you press her button right she’s squirtin’ up a storm of her special Whipped Topping! (Now, caution, cats – cause this stuff is not to be taken internally, bro!)

And I know what you’re thinking, right? Same shit as what I’m thinking, and I’m thinking-

Must. Have. Summadat. Shit. NOW!

Mmmm HMMMMM !  I am second, I say second to NO ONE in my admiration for No-Name products, including my favorite:  No-Name Earl Grey Tea.  Geddit?  Lemme say that again: No-Name Earl Grey Tea.  I’m not makin’ this up, BRO.

“I sayeh!  A delicious cup of No-Name Earl Grey and a spot of crumpet my de-ah?”   Yo!  Check the Brit accent, my de-ah!

That’s what dat old Queen Liz says to Prince Philip I reckon when her Royal Crumpet’s twitching for a taste of that famous finger action o’ his, Lord knows they ain’t anythin’ else that stiff around the palace! No way !

Philip, boy?  Yeah, YOU!  Yo!  We all know how you Greeks like it, you Beefeater!  Tough titties!  Put a little, you know, enthusiasm into it this time, or they’s gonna keep callin’ you “Susan”, bro!  Now butter that crumpet, Susan, and extra jam this time!!  Whoa BABEH!!

So I tells ya, I seen that whippity-do toppin’ and I was hot on that canister, I tells ya, that was spritzin in my mouth faster than a boy soprano into a Vatican choirmaster !!  How do you like THEM egg-rolls, Mr. Goldstone?!  YOWZA!

To finish off – speakin’ o which, you nearly done, Susan? You been hurtin‘ those beef curtains, bro? – Here’s a little ditty – cause youse all know how we white boys is just MMM-HMMM teemin’ with raw, I said I said we are TEEMIN’ with raw talent!

One – two – ah one- two – three -four –

“When you’re feeling short of rent,

Don’t let yer feelings get up-pent
Don’t sweat you’ve never bought debentures –
Just squirt No-Name 100% petroleum-derived, aerosol-delivered [whipped] topping, not to be confused with [cream]
across your dentures!”

That’s just No-Name-alicious SICK, DUDE!

“The situation is desperate, but not serious.” – traditional Viennese saying.