You may be wondering.
I know you may be wondering because you’ve been texting me “???'” repeatedly since two this morning when I didn’t respond in under a nanosecond to your message consisting of “Sup?”
Well, “sup” is, to my chagrin, National “Walk-In-Front-of-David-Reeeaaal-Slowly-with-a-Cane-While-Being-Elderly” Day. Which will explain why I didn’t make our afternoon hook-up where you wanted both of us to wear condoms. Both of us! Freekin’ jeezus, dude, it’s only a hand-job!
(And as for discretion: You really believe your wife hasn’t discovered your “Color Me Barbra” LP under that “secret” porn stash of Chi-chi LaRue tapes? Dream on, girlfriend!)
Your Ribbon: To show your support for National “Walk-In-Front-of-David-Reeeaaal-Slowly-with-a-Cane-While-Being-Elderly” Day, wear a white ribbon that has been smeared with the red, gelatinous substance found in the centre of a Peek Freans™ Fruit Creme Biscuit™.
Insider Tip: Actual crumbs are an optional, but supportive, gesture.
Let’s be sure we’re on the same page: Some people are laboring under the misapprehension that National “Walk-In-Front-of-David-Reeeaaal-Slowly-with-a-Cane-While-Being-Elderly” Day is heralded by a yellow ribbon with dribbles of saliva and egg yolk.*
Now, I can totally understand how you could mix these two up, what with their very slight similarity, combined with your IQ of 80 and inability to converse meaningfully with anyone over the age of six. But truth is, saliva and egg yolk, to those who’ve done their homework, could only limn the look and feel of “Old-Geezer-Who-Will-Be-Spending-His-Remaining-Years-with-his-Ass-Adhering-to-the-Cushion-of-His-La-z-boy™-Recliner” Month.
At least try to make an effort, OK? Or pretend?
Next Monday (Spoiler Alert): Be up bright and early to celebrate the start of
“Get-Honked-at-From-Behind-By-a-Welfare-Case-Driving-Their-Motorized-Wheelchair-down-the-Pavement-With-One-Hand-While-Simultaneously-Drinking-a-Timmies-Coffee-Smoking-an-Export A-and Clutching-A-Small-Yet-Overfed-Yapping-Toy-Poodle-With-Rheumy-Pink-Eyes”
(Mauve ribbon with taffeta overlay in nicotine brown.)
But I mean, honestly. People are SO self-centered.
* Since you asked. Regarding the “some people” question, it is axiomatic that “some people can get a thrill knitting sweaters and sitting still.” In fact, that’s peachy for some people who don’t know they’re alive. That’s OK for some people of one hundred and five! But I at least gotta try.