Toronto, May 12th:
Toronto’s prolonged suffering appeared to be at best temporarily at an end today, after an operation to remove a gigantic lump which it has been harboring for the past four years was pronounced guardedly successful.
In this grisly photo – which may cause distress to some – we see the huge, malignant Fordoma that was removed from Toronto being wheeled out of the operating theatre.
“It was touch and go for a bit in there,” said the chief surgeon, Dr Michael “Muddy” York, who appeared exhausted by the ordeal. “This was definitely one of those aggressive 905-type invasions. They’re tenacious, those buggers! And dumb…? Why, I’d rather drink a steeped tea from Timmies than try to discuss Margaret Atwood when one of these low-brow scum-suckers is around! Talk about embarrassing!” Dr. York, overcome with emotion, added: “Toronto’s safe for the moment – but not 100% out of the woods yet.”
Toronto is heavily sedated and resting quietly in the recovery ward. Please, no visitors.
* Actual attribution: Photo © by 680 CityNews. Not really by David DelaRoddis. Which you kind of knew.