“Just Go Friggin’ Shoot Yourself! : Mastering the Art of the Selfie in These Troubled Times”, by guest blogger David Delaroddis +PLUS+ Regular Dave Be Back!

David RoddisPhew! It’s Dave.  Remember me?   I hope you won’t think too badly of this, but I’ve been taking a little break from the all the frenzied activity here.

You know.

Counting the tsunami of “hits” and “follows”; thanking you, crystalline teardrops a-glistening on my cheeks, for the veritable avalanche of “likes”, which in number are, and stop me if you’d heard this before, like stars in the infinite vault of the heavens; and, betimes, answering each admiring comment in perfect calligraphy, painstakingly rendered with my goose quill in lavender-tinted ink on deckle-edged washi which I’ve sprinkled with my last remaining drops of Eau Sauvage.

Yep, it’s just been scritchy-scritch-scritch, morning, noon and night.

A special call-out for the Taylor family; and though in all humility I must refuse the generous offer of your first-born, you may certainly have him text me when he reaches 18 (21 in certain U.S. states).

You guys!  Keep a blogger on his toes or what!  I love you guys!  Sigh!

But, selfless candidate for beatification that I am, I realize my going temporarily AWOL is an act that affects more than just me.  I’m particularly concerned that those of you with suicidal ideation might just be pushed right over the edge unless I handle this carefully.

So to distract you, as with a cheap, shiny object, I have invited world-renowned Canadian photographer, author, pundit and irrepressible adulte terrible David Delaroddis to guest blog for me.

Let me pause for a moment while you let that sink in.

Let me…. let me…. pausssssse ‘sdlkalsds\;jlk;sdlkd kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sorry, nodded off!

Anywho, Delaroddis, you will recall, is author of the of New York Times #1 Best-Seller, “Photography is Friggin’ Hard Unless Of Course You’re Me™”, and its soon-to-be-published, sure-contender-for-New-York-Times-#1-Best-Seller sequel, “Gee, Willikers But Photography Is Hard! Don’t You Wish You Were Me? HA HA!  I Thought So! But You’re Not!!???™“.

Best known for his shameless self-promotion and unrelenting 24/7 visibility, Delaroddis has ruffled more than a few fine feathers with his controversial opinions on contemporary photography.

On Cindy Sherman:  “Oh puh-leeease!  Any loser can roll out of bed, kit up like Nancy Reagan and lie in a pile of vomit, but without a forty-thousand dollar Hasselblad body with digital back and a ten thousand dollar 85mm Zeiss lens, you might as well drink your Blix bath!  Cindy, darling, enough with the cant already! Your Kodak® Instamatic® awaits!”

On Nan Goldin:  “Well, far be it from me to spoil the illusion.  But honestly, that needy bitch PAID me to smack her in the eyes with her Louboutin pumps so she could stop taking pictures of squirrels in the Champs Élysées and cash in on the whole “women’s lib” flash-in-the-pan.  Look for her operating the passport photo concession at your local Walgreen’s, if she ever figures out which way to point the lens.  Unbelievable???!!!!

On photography:  “Photography is hard!  Friggin’ hard!  Unless you’re me!  Just ask Joe McNally about that little incident involving a certain world-renowned Canadian photographer wearing a frayed security harness, a certain person’s less-than-firm grip on someone’s ankle and the observation deck of the Empire State Building!  Joe, baby, you are so friggin’ busted!”

On fame:  “World-renowned Canadian?  Oh, honey!  Just consign me to oblivion and be done with it!”

So you see.

And now, without further ado, here is David Delaroddis to present an excerpt from Chapter Three of  “Gee Wilikers?”, entitled: “Just Go Friggin’ Shoot Yourself! : Mastering the Art of the Selfie in these Troubled Times”.

Oh, brother. You had better not ever forget how good I am to you. Alrighty?

Just Go Friggin’ Shoot Yourself! : Mastering the Art of the Selfie in These Troubled Times

with guest blogger David Delaroddis

Delaroddis:  Thanks, Dave!  You know, with its heady combination of crude exhibitionism and technical incompetence, the selfie is the quintessential art form of the Internet age.

Today’s tip:  Create a little mystery!  Take a look at these two examples I knocked off during the limousine ride here:

selfie1Number One

Check. It. Out!

I know what you’re thinking: This screams “creativity” so friggin’ loud you can hear it all the way to Des Moines!

Fun Factz:  Think different!  Everyone and their cockapoo photographs eyes, lips and cheeks- but you know better!  You know Photography is Hard!  HAHA!

I promise you, once you learn to think bridge of nose and upload this baby to Facebook, you might as well quit your day job so you can sit by your land line telephone all day waiting for National Geographic to call.

When to use:  Try using this baby as your profile photo on Grindr!  It’s a no-brainer choice to complement your kinky profile fantasies about bad cops, public nudity and extreme anal penetration with objects, and take it from me—if you remember to stay logged in while clearing U.S. Customs, you’re well on your way to making at least two of those come true!

How To Get The Shot:  Using your most grating, petulant tone, order one of your assistants to autofocus on the moist, red bit where your cheap Shopper’s Drug Mart reading specs bite into your tear ducts, then do a big snort of blow.

You heard it first here!

selfie2Number Two

You know, and I just want to say: I hope this isn’t getting too intimidating for you.  The way I always “nail it”.  Put down those razor blades, baby!  Help is at hand!

Anyhoo, this one is using negative space to tell a story. A negative space story.  About me.  David Delaroddis, in case you missed that bit.

I just hope it’s not that story about the 16-year-old high school cheerleaders and the missing bottle of baby oil, which is a pack of filthy lies and if mentioned in your “comments” may just result in— well.  I’d watch it if I were you, wannabe me’s, and just be aware that my international team of brand-protection lawyers is on speed dial.

And if you do decide to be reckless… Don’t answer your front door after 5pm to anyone calling himself “Vinny”, especially if he claims to be delivering a ‘luxury concrete overcoat from GAP’. Nuff said?

This one uses the “Rule of Thirds” to create its magical mystery.

Just spend one-third of your income on camera equipment, read one-third of the manual, which means you will be forever whining,”Can anyone tell me what this little doohickey is for?”

And of course, miss one-third of your loan payments on the Hasselblad body and Zeiss lens, leaving them repossessed and you posting “really  fun and groovy-artistic” shots with your fake vintage Lomo then ruining them with HDR  filters.

Next greatest thing?  HDR???  Oh, honey! Excuse the tears pouring down my face as I point at the monitor and laugh!

Your portrait sitters look like they’ve been thirty-years coal-mining and your landscapes like rejects from a velvet painting correspondence course, but never you mind. Those animated GIF awards from the moderator of the “Really Fun and Awesome Fun Shots, Just Make Sure They’re Not as Good as Mine Or You’ll Be Banned for Harassment!” Group on Flickr will assuage your heartache at the death in darkness of your pathetic career goals.

I mean, I’m sorry to make you cry and I could probably soften the blow.  On the other hand, but hey.

Technical details: Nerd alert!  Forty-thousand dollar Hasselblad body and digital back; ten-thousand dollar Zeiss 85mm prime lens @ f64; resentful crew of twelve unpaid interns; and one limo driver named Wally who can’t keep his hands off me.

Don’t worry, petals.  You can do just as well with iPhone.

HA HA! Kidding!  I love you guys!