Sacramento! and other useful California expressions, PLUS: Great big flying PUSSY !


The bridge, the river, and the other side of the river.

The bridge, the river, and the other side of the river.

In mere HOURS I’m off to surely-to-god-it’s-got-to-be-warmer-than-here California for a sojourn in Sacramento.

I say “sojourn” because that’s the word Joan Didion would use, she being after all Sacramento’s most famous export. And when in doubt about what word to use or how generally to proceed, I always check my “What Would Joanie Do? Nurturing Your Neurotic Self” coaching manual.

Unfortunately, it mostly falls open at page 27, which starts with the action plan: “Sit paralyzed on the edge of the bed, half dressed, thinking about that telephone call you have to make to the District Attorney’s office”.  If you’ve wondered why I haven’t been in touch.

Anyway, a seasoned traveler always does research and yours truly, more seasoned than a double helping of Phad Thai, has come up with the following:

Fake etymology:
“Sacramento” is a Mexican expression via the Catholic church that is roughly equivalent to, “You gotta be kidding, dude!”  It was popularized by Ronald Reagan in the 1960’s, when he and Nancy turned their little Caucasian noses up at the traditional Governor’s Mansion and instead built a rambling monstrosity with a wet bar and swimming pool (q.v. Joan Didion).

Nancy and Ron, staring up the front staircase of the charming original Governor’s mansion:  (with a low whistle): Sacramento !

During Ronnie’s tenure, the term became part of the California “vibe”.

Welfare recipient:  Do you think you could, I dunno,  take some of those tax cuts for the rich and give poor dudes more to live on? 
Ronnie  (hand on heart, with a dismissive chortle):  Sacramento!!
Welfare recipient:  Just a thought.  I dunno.  Like, sorry.

Gradually, this ejaculatory – yes, I know – expression became quite idiomatic, popping up, like Ronnie, at the most unexpected moments. 

Ronnie, to Nancy:  Hey sweetie pie, how’s about you and me smoke a spliff and bump uglies?
Nancy (clutching pearls, with a giggle):  SACRAMENTO!!!

Check out more examples by making up  your own, dude.   I mean, seriously.  I’ve got packing.

Touristy stuff:
A quick whiz around the Innernet (practising my Mercan pronoun-see-ashun) – reveals, who knew, that Sacramento’s main attractions are:

1. The river
2. The bridge that goes over the river
3. The other side of the river
4. The Capitol building, where you can see Ronald Reagan’s foot and hand prints in the cement (he got confused)
5. The State Flag, which is a re-purposing of one of Nancy’s red Adolfo numbers, and
6. San Francisco

Sources:  By the Innernet, I mean of course Wikipedia and Amazon.com.

Additional travel advice:  Sacramento means West, and – Allah be praised! – West means Westerns, which means –  Cowboys! 

“Hey, pardner, how’s about you and me hop in the saddle for a little of that ol’ Yippee-i-ay?”

So it’s going to be, like, an awesome?! trip?!

Memo to self:  Bring the chaps.


GREAT BIG FLYING PUSSY

I HATE HATE HATE flying and I have to take TWO planes tomorrow: one from Buffalo to Chicago and then Chicago to Sacramento. I’d like to be cryogenically frozen for the duration of the two flights, does anyone know of a service like this? Just message me here.

I’m fairly trim so I’d probably fit in the fridge located in the service area where all the space waitresses congregate, but they’d have to be on the ball because I don’t want to end up in cubes chilling someone’s 50-year-old malt whiskey or something. Talk about irony!

OK. I’ll await your responses. I mean, I’ve got Valium.

Or I could just strap myself in my seat, take lots of Valium and prepare to be face-planted into the Sierra Madre. How’s that for an exit!

I’d like to be listening to Mahler when that happens. The “Lieder Eines Schlumpfenden Geschwitz”, one of those. They all sound the same anyway.

Thanks again for looking into this. What do you mean, “nervous”?

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