Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I give you Exhibit A. And I know what you’re thinking:
With finely-draped plaid shorts like these, those ketchup-stained, armpit-hiked old-age trousers from Gap are all but inevitable;
There is incipient male camel-toe, that little-mentioned yet classic mark of future whoredom, apparent in the saggy yet suggestively prominent v-marked crotch;
And my contr’apposto, that flirty, toe-twirling-in-the-dirt stance native to coquettish pretty boys from Donatello’s “David” onward, needs polish.
But here’s what I’m most bitter about, and mark me well : This is apparently the one, brief, snapshot-length moment in the sum total of my wretched life when I had 1. no glasses, 2. total self-assurance, albeit pathetically unwarranted, and 3. interesting hair.
Interesting blond hair.
Oh my fur and whiskers. Youth is wasted on the pre-pubescent.
And now, a quiz!
1. Which of the following items did my mother buy me during my high-school years?
a. Hot pants
b. Leopard-print bikini briefs
c. My first paisley shirt with contrasting blue dickey
d. The kind of black toe-rubbers usually worn by just-ordained Presbyterian ministers.
e. All of the above.
f. All of the above plus skin-tight polyester maroon bell-bottoms and matching skin-tight floral shirt.
2. Which of the following did I perform at “Show and Tell”, Grades 3 through 6, at King Street Public School, Whitby, Ontario?
a. “The Trolley Song”, from “Meet Me in St Louis”.
b. “Rose’s Turn” from “Gypsy”, in which a embittered stage mother has a melt-down about her wasted life.
c. Shelley Berman’s night-club routine about a guy on the phone trying in vain to convince a department store that there’s someone about to jump from a window ledge.
d. Shelley Berman’s night-club routine about an alcoholic with a severe hangover who learns, among other things, that he threw the host’s cat through their picture window at some point during the previous evening.
e. “You Gotta Have a Gimmick”, in which three sleazy burlesque girls sing about and demonstrate their unique strip-tease routines
f. Yes.
Send in the correct answer to both of these – f – and enjoy – well, nothing really. The satisfaction of knowing? A great, big superior smirk? You choose.
<Booming radio announcer’s voice>: This has been GAY WALK OF SHAME #47.
Where are they now?
My Grade 5 teacher, Mrs Sidor – weirdly, an anagram of my name – is currently in her twilight years in Whitby Psychiatric Hospital. She doesn’t really appreciate flowers. Or Broadway shows.