I decided I would like to be addressed as “Mister Spanky” from now on.
Or just “Spanky” if that’s easier for you. God only knows your short-term memory is not what it used to be and it is all about you. But the “Mister” adds a certain gravitas that is, frankly, otherwise lacking. So at least this time make the effort.
Additional instructions: British types can opt for “Spankers”, or maybe “Spinks”. “Spanky-pants” for those frivolous moods of yours, if they ever come back. “Susan” was popular with the Mitfords. In fact I’d say “Susan” is top of my list right now.
Background: You may be wondering. I decided on this abrupt, total change of identity after several days of not leaving the house and thinking about nothing but myself. It’s great to focus on me for a change, to everyone’s detriment. And as an added bonus, once a month I just write “solipsism” on my benefits form under “Employment” and they give me the rent. Who knew!
Small, human details and flaws that enable you to identify with me and think me more real: Large, DuMaurier Ultra-light kings at $10.40 a pack. I have taken up smoking along with this abrupt, total etc.etc. And it’s a good thing I smoke. You need something to take you out of yourself sometimes especially with the PTSD it’s a self-esteem thing I certainly do and that’s what’s important it’s like this is my Katrina.
Larger themes, stereotyping, other miscellaneous stuff: I am a typical millennial, despite my turning 60 in September. You’re only as old as you think, honey, and honestly. I really don’t want to complicate things.
I just friggin’ want what I want.
Hope this helps! LOL!
– Mister Spanky
Quick life hack #48:
Throw out those three dozen egg whites you’ve been collecting in the fridge since January – you KNOW you’re never going to make those “Floating Islands.”
Are you, baby?