THE ROB FORD EMERGENCY GAY WAR BRIDES FUND


CALL FOR ELIGIBLE NEW YORK BACHELORS:
TORONTO MALE WAR BRIDE AVAILABLE. SLIGHTLY USED. LOVELY PATINA.

Rob Ford is going to win the mayoral election. Oh mother of pearl I just have this sinking feeling. And if that happens – if the Ford-ites impose their universe of hockey moms and crack dads and sell to the highest bidder – then there is no hope for this city-without-a-soul.

I will have to move, seriously. With that in mind:

Any eligible guys in NYC want to marry, then divorce? ( I see this as a same-day procedure.)

Example of a penthouse which I would find suitable.
Example of a penthouse which I would find suitable.

WHY YOU SHOULD JUST DO THIS: I have spiffy hats for both occasions. I can cook your dinner AND your breakfast, only occasionally getting the two confused. I do madonna-whore no prob. I have a brittle, Dorothy Parker-like wit and a plucky, tragically hopeful, Dorothy Gayle-like resilience. Sometimes I freak and throw something, like a small pillow, then cry and apologize. You will learn to ignore this.

YOU: Should be alive, in NYC, with a penthouse. I’ll accept offers from Washington Square north to W 86th. Please note: Brooklyn is not NYC. It is Brooklyn. We’ll have none of your fancy talk here. And I don’t do Queens. Despite what you may have heard.

Applications: David Roddis c/o ROB FORD EMERGENCY GAY WAR BRIDES FUND. Send money. Lots of money.

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